College Writing Class Assignments with Real World Applications.
BY CAMERON DODD (McSweeny's)
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1. Write a text message to a girl apologizing for the series of drunken text messages you sent her at 2 a.m. last night, which were just poorly composed requests for her to come over.

2. Write a justification for taking time off from work and school to "figure out what it is you really want to do."

3. Write an obituary for a family member who was, by all accounts, an emotionally distant asshole and unaccomplished poet.

4. Write an e-mail to your professor explaining why you've missed his/her class so many times. (Note: You've already used the "death in the family" excuse.)

5. Write a thank-you note to your aunt for the wedding gift she meant to send to your younger but already more successful brother.

6. Write a letter to your parents notifying them that you have decided to drop out of law school and they won't be getting back any of the money for this semester, which only started two weeks ago.

7. Write a Post-It note to your landlord with some feasible yet not cliché explanation for being late on this month's rent.

8. Write and practice reciting a monologue in which you explain to a girl that you aren't a scumbag like your friend(s), who slept with her and then didn't call her. Incorporate the phrase "I don't even know why I still hang out with those guys."

9. Write another monologue in which you apologize to the same girl for not calling her after you slept with her two weeks ago.

10. Write a cover letter to a bank manager that claims your B.A. in literature gives you advantages that people who have degrees in business, finance, or economics simply don't have.

11. Write an e-mail to your dad with not-so-subtle hints about how you're overqualified for the only openings you can find and how the job market is just not what it used to be.