I had to fire someone this morning. It was weird. And it's hard to fire professors, ya know? It's supposed to be hard, cz for instance I taught a story by Dorothy Allison today, and I had my students swear. It made them really uncomfortable. It made them giddy. It made them laugh. The nuns, I let them off the hook. One said in a deep Vietnamese accent, "It is hard enough to hear ok?" Then I told them to feel outrage, remember something deeply unfair to them - everyone has that, that they're carrying, right? I know they have, a handful are from Africa, one whose face is scarred systematically, who told me of caring for a 13-year-old boy whose rotting body was not yet dead when his family abondoned him to the church ; one got chased out of Serbia by formerly friendly neighbors; one has stopped cutting herself but her mom still hates it that she's gay . . . I told them to sit there and feel really angry, not miffed but gut-furious, to feel empathy for themselves. Then they found it harder to swear, because they'd grown somber. So then it made more sense that the author swears on every page, to make us laugh but it's also a kind of bravery to be able to swear and make others laugh about things that aren't funny. It's a kind of power.

It's very important that I not be subject to being fired for teaching what I choose, as I see fit.

I have to review other profs to help decide if they will get that protection for life, tenure, or not. I have to help decide: No. The man I said "No" to is outraged. He'll have at least one year to change my mind. He can't fathom having to try that hard. And that's why he got fired. Because you can't commit to something for life that's merely good enough, that serves some expedient purpose (it pays the bills) whose removal (you inherit some money) would render the doing of it meaningless for you. If you're in something for life and it could be meaningless that easily to you, then it's meaningless to you right now. I mean, I can see having found yourself in that situation, but not on purpose. There should definitely be a law against marrying what you don't love at all, against valuing your Life on scales of expedience, against committing to what is good enough and thereby consigning yourself forever to Being merely good enough as well. I'd have said Yes if he loved his life and was worse at doing it; I could only say No to his loveless competence.

listening to

mieka pauley - all the same mistakes

blossoms on the baby peach tree

I can hardly stand (iffy) tunes when I'm too overshitty. touchstones only.

patti smith is my new bobby d - gimme shelter (rolling stones) - developing a mozlike fixation

Do you remember the monster that sometimes lived under your bed when you were a kid? Recently it found its way back to you, and has been spending time in your closet. It's not as frightening as it used to be, and I'm not alarmed by its return. [I am.] In fact, I think it has an important message for you that would be valuable to discover. Virgo, I encourage you to invite it out for a conversation. As you might suspect, as soon as it delivers its crazy wisdom, it will leave you in peace.

I am just straight up not doing so good. No "spin" on that whatsoever. And no search and rescue on its way.

I am dead tired.

sunday morning reading: some people are all about the NYT, but "so I had sex with a pinata" works for me

WEEKEND LOVE FORECAST: ARIES: What you have learned about maintaining emotional control will help you. TAURUS: You are the rock of security in someone's otherwise potentially exciting life. GEMINI: You'll be able to teach something complex to a loved one via your example. CANCER: You are running at a different tempo from a loved one, but somehow you meet up on the downbeats some of the time. LEO: Look for the kind of beauty that money can't buy. VIRGO: You're straight. LIBRA: Think before you react. Once you give yourself the chance, you'll make wise choices. SCORPIO: You act out of love. So even if you make a mistake, the outcome will improve things in the end. SAGITTARIUS: You are on the cusp of adventure. Don't be afraid to fall forward. CAPRICORN: Allow yourself to let go and be you. This will induce lots of laughter. AQUARIUS: You could work well with a loved one and make good money together this weekend. Stranger things have happened. PISCES: Honesty is the cornerstone of a loving connection.

my horoscope says that the planets are urging me to do something radically out of character today. so I ran around the corner to the Rite Aid and bought blue eyeshadow, the sparkle kind, like Tinkerbell might wear on a date . . .

jer koons - I want you back - strong simple vocals with a nice guitar interlude in the middle

holly golightly and the brokeoffs - forget it la la laa
bonus track: ella mae morse - house of blue lights, the jive slang element is "fantastic"

bonus vid (I love the little girl in the pink skirt):

[update: the sabres won. (I lent them my mood.) they got the top spot and I only saw them one lousy time this year, when they lost. and I want to go to a playoff game. and/or maybe one of these.]

today was ROUGH: Ears didn't bring home what he needed to study last night, and flunking one test means summer school at this point; I gotta take TJ to CarlatheSitter at dawn, take Ears to school and fake sick and get the study materials, take that one with me to the city, drop him off w the Girl and go teach a bunch of yoga, take her to ECMC for a TB test with Ears in tow, and since it turns out actually he has lost the book he super really needs, I gotta run to the school again to borrow a book from the secretary in the guidance office (it's the last one in the building, she stole it) who is waiting for me (note that only women are helping me all day) while there's a storm warning in place and hail is coming down and I'm hydroplaning all the way there . . . . meanwhile, X emails to insist that he'd like to take the boys one on one, so they can really get Quality Andy Time, and could I just rearrange my entire weekend work schedule for the next few weeks so that he doesn't have to do jack shit but have even less childcare (?)

it was everything I could do not to climb through the pc and feed his dick to him, seriously.

I've concluded that the oldworlde way is best: men do man shit, and women do this kinda shit, run around and pat butts etc. you might say, NO NO somethingsomething equalitywhatever, but that's bc you don't know any kinda shit about it, because For Sure men are a big pain in the ass when it comes to the day-to-day of childrearing and housekeeping. PLUS, if a man isn't doing enough man shit, he's all depressed and resentful too. then they get under foot and need to be reassured that they're not under foot besides, since they're already feeling so man-shit-deprived wa wah whatever. they should go do man shit with other men, play with the kids like wrestling and sports whatever, talk to them about deepmanlifeshit if they're little men like fieldofdreams, and make the woman happy (duh, ie lit up to see you + mend her fences), which in turn makes her refueled and refreshed as she runs around patting butts and putting out fires.

one of the other yoga teachers made the mistake of telling me to be "more commanding" the last time she took a class with me, as we're supposed to give each other feedback etc. she was in my afternoon section today and had to lay down mid-class, I kicked them so god damn hard. I did feel a little bad about the one who threw up. but not all that bad, to tell you the honest truth. The cure for anything is salt water: sweat, tears, or the sea. - Isak Dinesen I'm done crying and I don't live near the sea.

no song. and no pic either, since what I would post if I were going to is a pic of my own strong body. backside view. out of spite. which I am rising above right now by a mere hydroplaning margin. so there.

JJ Cale - Ride Me High (Joakim Edit J3 Redit) hi rec, nice mellowishmoove

Among other things, I taught yoga alllll day, every class on the schedule, my offering to Redemption, and I made someone cry in the last class. I don't really care how high you come up on your toes whatever, but I'll push you to bend backwards throat bared, sensing the difference btw paintears and feartears. I can help a person to cry, and then help her stop on a dime. Check your scorecard, I think I'm about par.

The boys love this tune in the cahr lately, kinda mesmerized by the "Howl" mixed into it, they sing a mosquito my libido in the backseat, fencing off the refrain from the rest:
patti smith - smells like teen spirit

New Law Would Ban Marriages Between People Who Don't Love Each Other

Jesus’ Blood Never Failed Me Yet (Gavin Bryars cover) – Jars of Clay
WEEKEND LOVE FORECAST: ARIES: A loved one is already impressed by you. Relax and your unpretentious style will make you even more impressive. TAURUS: Your experience and good judgment will carry you far in matters of love. GEMINI: Someone you used to know well thinks fondly of you. CANCER: You radiate a quiet serenity. It's most captivating to someone nearby. LEO: The one you want will be won over by your optimism. VIRGO: Keep your agreements with a loved one, and you'll continue to build mutual happiness. LIBRA: Embrace the developments of this weekend, and in time you will look back on this period as extremely fortuitous. SCORPIO: Brainstorm. Your ideas may be outrageous and unreasonable, but the fact that you have them is wildly attractive. SAGITTARIUS: Your personal life perks up after you pamper yourself all weekend. CAPRICORN: You will freshen your image with flattering clothes that set off your assets and attitude. AQUARIUS: Don't obsess over the status of your personal life. Be breezy -- that's always the best, most attractive way. PISCES: There's nothing wrong with exploring your options -- or keeping them open, for that matter.

patti smith - gloria
bonus track

which way to Mexico?

image removed (stop looking at my ass!)

deep thought of the day, thanks DmS for inspiring it:
if you stick it out a little, it looks a little better, and the trampstamp does help the overall presentation a bit, but ultimately those saddle bags are an Italian woman's burden. I could exercise til my tits melted off, and still
my butt be girly

coincidentally, weekly horoscope for Capricorn, my rising sign: Supermodel Selita Ebanks is your role model. In accordance with the astrological omens, I recommend that you arrange for the kind of special treatment she enjoys as she's preparing for a runway show. That means getting five stylists to work for hours every day perfecting every aspect of your physical appearance. Please make sure they apply no less than 20 layers of makeup to your butt. APRIL FOOL! I lied. The omens say this is not a good time to obsess on your outer beauty. They do suggest, however, that attending to your inner beauty would be smart. So please do the equivalent of getting 20 layers of makeup applied to your soul's butt.

umm, I'm not applying 20 layers of make-up to my anything inside or out, so if you don't like any of it then don't look at it, playlist:
Justin Townes Earle: Your Biscuits Are Big Enough For Me
Missy Elliott – Lose Control (Popcorn’s Last Minute NYE Butt Touchin’ Edit)
The Bird And The Bee - I Can't Go For That
Pomegranates – Thigh High
bonus track:
"Duke of Anxiety," Scout Niblett, I like singing this loud in my cahr

"Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it is all over." - Gloria Naylor


aretha franklin - share your love with me

WEEKEND LOVE FORECAST: ARIES: An exciting time starts with someone who catches your eye and causes your heart to skip a beat. TAURUS: Though others already think you are perfect, you'll take steps to feel more attractive. GEMINI: Your awareness expands as a friend becomes your best confidant, helping you see your own blind spots. CANCER: The situations that crop up allow you to master your people skills. LEO: You are willing to put your own agenda and stories on hold while you focus on making the other person feel important. VIRGO: You are disarming. You get someone to lower his or her guard and reveal the true personality under all the hype. LIBRA: Your self-esteem is on the rise, and you attract an equally confident match. SCORPIO: Don't ask for or listen to the opinions of others. You know the most about your love life, and therefore you are the one who will make the best decisions regarding it. SAGITTARIUS: Timing is everything. You create a memory by striking an emotional chord at just the right time. CAPRICORN: There is an elegance about you that draws people in. AQUARIUS: There's someone who makes you feel happy, positive and more alive. Let this person know. PISCES: You can be exciting at times, but what's really important and most attractive is that you are an all-around decent person.

"Quiet Dog," Mos Def

VIRGO, The only thing holding you back is your own fear. If you dwell on it, you'll make it come true. So be open-minded as to the many possibilities that could happen. One outcome would be wonderful for you. Focus on that one.

Joe Cocker “Unchain My Heart” (Ray Charles)

Anything scares me, anything scares anyone but really after all considering how dangerous everything is nothing is really very frightening. - Gertrude Stein

Sooo Officer caught some guy lurking in my backyard while I was off teaching yesterday . . . he was wearing a black leather jacket and smoking a cigarette, says Officer, and when questioned said he was looking for the backdoor to knock on bc he was selling magazines for his church, then he ran off >:/ Probably merely sensing my nervousness, Jasper has been up and down alllll night, sniffing the empty rooms and waking me up and driving me crazy. I'm not frightened finally, I'm REALLY PISSED OFF.

I'm so out of patience w/ shit to worry about, that let's just say: if you were a daffodil, to save myself the heartfuss I'd kill you before you could threaten to wilt (me).

WEEKEND LOVE FORECAST: ARIES: You like who you are with someone. You are different with this one than you are with anyone else in the world. TAURUS: Your relationship will blossom with equality, respect and mutual spoiling. GEMINI: Forget about the foolishness you feel when you put yourself out there emotionally. You're brave, and that will pay off for you. CANCER: Your psychic powers are strong, and you can clearly see where a relationship is going to end up. LEO: You speak from the heart, and it goes straight to the heart of your listeners. VIRGO: You'll like someone much more than you did at the start. LIBRA: You get your way. It does take some effort, but ultimately the other person can't resist your charms. SCORPIO: Your need for social interaction may be less than usual. Your alone time is necessary and sacred, though. SAGITTARIUS: Say less and do more. Your actions will tell the story of who you are. CAPRICORN: You treat others well simply because it's the right thing to do. You want nothing in return. AQUARIUS: Deliver your message with levity and warmth. PISCES: Unfavorable impressions can be reversed. Your charm can pull back the one you've offended.

Lisa Hannigan: Courting Blues

update, music:
stephen marley - hey baby (ft mos def) - loooove this, high rec



It's after 7 pm, the sun is going down, I'm making dinner (meatloaf, and peanutbutter cookies for dessert) - the boys are still out back in the muddy yard, sword fighting with found sticks, the dogs chasing them around.

I love spring.

Scarecrow went in for surgery yesterday to fix the tendon he snapped off at the elbow last week trying to muscle his way through anxiety via yoga . . . concurrently, the lung spot loooooooms, a potentially deadly tickle, a cough a cough a cough. He should have been home and fine on the same day yesterday. Unless anesthesia and not being able to breathe didn't go well together? Of course, I'm not in the loop to hear anything. I'm starting to see why people like twitter. It would be funny that his wife hates me because he looked at my ass one day, that stacked up against life/death shown for how absurd such things are finally - it would funny if I were laughing. But we're alone, he and I, in a necessary friendship loop of 2, easily put asunder by anything befalling either one of us, no witnesses except an obscure unread blog. Maybe that's why we have kept this friendship, for its Nothingness, because it is stripped of anything that it is not. There is nothing holding it in place or together. Just like there's nothing holding any of us together and on this earth except a film of skin and wishful thinking.

...it is my feeling that the only thing you have to fear is fear, in that sense that to the extent that you have enough faith or trust to let it happen, you always go through the next one and the next one and the next one. In the Tibetan literature, they say, "Embrace your ten thousand horrible demons and your ten thousand beautiful demons." You've just got to take it all and keep going. "Yeah, that one too," and "That one too," and keep going. All your fears have to be embraced, entertained, honored, and you go on with them.

--Ram Dass, lecture
in The Only Dance There Is

update: he's fine, roaring in pain alive as anything

ray stevens - gitarzan

on the back porch by the basil la la laaaa is my favorite paaaarrrt

WEEKEND LOVE FORECAST: ARIES: Accept the other person's right not to do things your way, and you may very well get your way in the end. TAURUS: Be charming and appreciative of what others do for you and you'll win hearts. GEMINI: It doesn't cost a thing to give your love and acceptance generously. CANCER: You are terrific just the way you are. Do not cultivate a relationship with anyone who wants to change you. LEO: There's someone you look at with great love in your eyes. Everyone notices. VIRGO: A new person is fascinated by your recent activities, reminding those who already know you how interesting you are. LIBRA: You are a warm and sincere person and will compliment others just because it makes you feel good to do so. SCORPIO: You'll make a difference in someone's life. SAGITTARIUS: Maximize what you have and your shortcomings will be a non-issue. CAPRICORN: You have depth. A loved one can't get enough of you, and there is always more to give. AQUARIUS: Avoid a person who is overly suspicious of your actions. You don't need a Jealous Nellie around. PISCES: Give your love only to those who realize what a valuable treasure it is.

Jerry Garcia and David Grisman “The Thrill Is Gone” (B.B. King)

"soul, a moving river. body, the riverbed" - rumi

Johnny & The King Casuals - Purple Haze