doing it 

If he could go back to being 28 years old, something he has mentioned a couple of times. Welp winning two NEH grants felt no bigger of a WIN than when strawberry milk went on sale. Both were aimed at the same thing, making life sweet while living with caregiving. Not one or the other. Always one or the other. (No.)

Here is what would not have changed, no matter what: the burdens of illness(es) and caregiving would have increased, and both our feet would be nailed to the floor around that and kids even more.  Because, as my mother would put it, "that's the kind of hairpins we are".  Have always been. Will always be. 

We just know now which kids we have (so far) as it turns out, a couple more blondes a clutch more mochas and fucking break-up cats galore 🙄 + and radically increased expertise(s) around the same shit: illness and caregiving. Our increased expertise includes the emotional intelligence that comes from living in the shadow of child-death cz it'd have been Nova or Piper either way if we had known about either. 

Feet. Nailed.  

🤷🏻‍♀️ Welp, we both got better looking if you ask me. No, 🤔 he did. I look as peculiar as I feel, for better to some eyes (maybe).  

I am trying to be better not just flirt better (omg so rusty lol 🤦🏻‍♀️). He didn't go upstairs for the reason I thought and celebrated, to take a relaxed shit. (I'm sorry.) 

And son-in-law did get kicked to the curb out of a hob-ital today. As has happened every few months since the cf baby born in 2020, mid pandemic, when first responders were having their benefits withheld after risking their lives. Good times. 

Seems just inevitable that every round of this leaves him closer to dead, me closer to banktuptcy and raising 3 half-orphaned children that I rarely get to SEE around all this effort to keep them alive. Relentless. But today, somebody at Mercy gave a shit about it. For the very first time in 5 years. It ain't the lottery, but I am stupified grateful. 

So again, strawberry milk. It's the little (big) things. 

SUCH AS, I have recovered my ability to find (or make) something hilarious in every day. Today included the endo. Most patients seek this care for shit like ED or vaginal atrophy. Here starts the hilarious part - explaining vaginal atrophy to The Knife. "Every single day the Lord gives me something to be grateful for!" 🤭😅 

Momism of the day (so far): "Time will tell. On just about everything."