Update: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeew 🚬 my nerves are shot. But, another day ✅️ It takes a village, they used to say. Feels too hard and messy for that metaphor now. I think it takes a warm pile of people who are intimately aware of each other's chosen battle: To Be Okay (Really). That's it. Stop everything else (NO) except Yes.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You're in this spot for a reason. Maybe you're still growing into it — that's how it works. The ones who care most always wonder if they belong. That question doesn't hold you back. It keeps you awake, aware, rising.
The pest control kid stopped by yesterday, rebait the rat boulders, a thing Nebraska pays for that I figured it'd just end when I leave so no need to talk about it. But everyone takes pics now, of every delivery, of every service, to prove it's been done. So a pic goes to him of the house and I get an email almost immediately "wishing me luck" with the sale. It's inevitable. All he has to do is send the dogs a treat from Chewy, and boom, gets a photo. It took less than 24 hours to track my life decisions and inform me of his power to do so in the form of "being supportive". 🤮 And today, I will have to flee, go to the cottage for starters, dogs in tow, their collars tracking us all. In the jeep, whose payments I must make, but he dealt with annoying shit like pairing the phone ... both his and mine, so, I assume he can just track the truck itself if he wants. There is nothing I can do about any of that but hold steady while triggered. There is nothing I can do about being triggered half to death between that shit and my house full of people today, pawing my things, me racing to find my grandma's squashblossom so I can put it in the safe that takes 10x to get open, which is why I hid it God knows where in the first place. Steady steady steady, eat something, breathe.
That is all I can control: me. That's it. Until I am on the other side of this, all I can control is ME, my physical person, which hovers at 100 pounds of what feels like pure grit held together by will in the shape of a woman, more or less. I am my own sandstorm to walk through.
Later, I calmed down hearing about blowtorching hearts to play tetris, which soothed my nerves a lot. Report to shrink, haven't seen him since the kiss she saw, but he is "there" as I go through this, as am I for him, which she will affirm (fyi, if you had a shrink she would affirm having a 'psychological support system', believe it or not we're healthy, all things being relative).
Although this feels like an extreme test of my ability to accept it, it's simply true that all I can control ANYTIME, always, is me. That's it. And my body will die, some dumb bloodglob is gonna take me down, so ultimately I cannot control that either. Except today.
(Shrink will remind me, TODAY, that's why some people count days sober, to keep track of that CONCEPT, today is what you have, not to just endure but to be in fully.)
Today I can get up (I am doing so right now, writing myself awake). The menagerie will arrive soon and grab stuff to move, what we can, 2 women and umpteen kids including a pissy turkeyball who will cry if not held, so 3 adult hands (1 gotta hold the damn baby).
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| "Turkeyball" |
Then me and the dogs in the 2-faced jeep to take a shrink appt on my phone in a parking lot or side of the road, then stay out all day somehow with panting dogs and sweaty kids, all while my home is being poked and prodded, my collages taken down and put back crooked, a million ways that it's just ME somehow that is being sold. And I must allow it. And I must land at 6 pm at yoga for my friend's last class, no matter what, so I will work backwards from that, from what matters most (your People).
