Right. Put down the plan. It was drawn up by an ego anyway (mine, yours, whoever's). The only thing that lies more than booze is the ego. So chase me motherfucker 🖕. Right out into the open where I can get cleaner shots off.
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It was Stacy. Stacey? Jello Shots. I am looking for the photo of him in a hospital bed, heart racing, hands shaking, getting tests. She sent me the photo. It was the look on his face. So purely deeply sad.
"...from many years before, she can map his initial disappearance from her life that time to a question she asked him: “With what are you alone?” From that moment, he would begin disappearing and reappearing in her life..."
I am not going to link back to where in here that note is exactly, it would only upset him to read it. To read "he's all yours", as if rolling up and dumping him in pieces on my lawn.
And I did approximately what I am doing right now. Putting a stop to it. With the same sense of urgency. Even if I had to befriend the stupid girlfriend and then her stupid boyfriend, hold off mothers-in-law like zombies behind splintering doors, move heaven and earth just to get back to losing him again to it, not understanding, it's ABOUT THE KIDS.
It's always about the kids.
I still don't understand it all and probably never will. I know the first groove he can remember is 8 years old, the age our respective little girls are now apx, and I know it stays in there, a crushed puppy or whatever it is, a groove of trauma that loves to eat brains, like a rift opens and into that rifts runs your brain chemicals along with everything you try to fill it. I dunno all he does about the human body, but I know more about trauma brains. His and mine.
How could he be alone with this divorce? It makes no sense. But I am now alone with this. That's another thing we both do. It would be really good if we learned to not do it anymore with each other. (Therapist confirmed.) In what context did I even ask that first question, still THE question? "With what are you alone?" I don't remember. But essentially, I asked it again. And essentially the question hurt again.
Thank God my mom left, she'd be demanding to go to Mercy, unafraid utterly to tell the wife and Normandy to go fuck themselves, and why isn't his own mother on his side EVER enough? She'd be losing it.
There isn't even a damn girlfriend to befriend. Can I have Shotglass's number? Hi, I uh, well ya might know me already sorta, kink as selfhelp ft teacher fetish?, but right now can you go take a pic of him in whatever hospital bed he's in, hopefully just hooked to an ekg thingy? I need to see his face. I'd call Honeybee, but drinking buddy, I was a functional alcoholic recently. The kink was pretty healthy, the drinking was def not. And the 2 don't mix well in a 40+ year old body. By osmosis, the booze would lessen if I could just..
The card of the day is the center of the simple spell to break this cycle (let this house go). 6 of coins. If you need help, take it. If you have help to give, give it. To have more room to do THAT THING, and yes he inspired me to move FAST to do it, I had to let this house go. It's not about $. It's about THAT. 
He would say to be worried about cardiac something whatever - ever trained as they all are to compartmentalize, diagnose, cure, done. But I know better. Even if his heart is what he once called "floppy", it's alone with all this shit that's the root problem. Shotglass for one bit, pass the butter for another part, Honeybee for I'm not sure what part, but scattered like that then nobody SEES IT WHOLLY. So he's alone. His normal. And that could kill him. (I should know.)
Please don't make me grieve you. Ask for anything else. 
