I need guidance forward in the dark. The dead live there, in the dark spaces between what humans make/alight while they live. So, I asked for hands to hold, to pull me across that darkness to a new island of living-light. I beseached help from who did that for me while they lived. If I held my hand out they would take it, instinctively, without hesitation, as if pulling me out of a fire while waving the smoke from my face. I trust they would do so. 

from “Flesh and Blood” Love Medicine, Louise Erdrich:

“I just put the wax down,” I said. “You have to wait.” He stood there looking at me over that long, shiny space. It rolled and gleamed like a fine lake between us. And it deepened. I saw that he was about to take the first step, and I let him, but halfway into the room his eyes went dark. He was afraid of how deep this was going to become. So I did for him what I learned from the nun. I put my hand through what scared him. I held it out there for him. And when he took it with all the strength of his arms, I pulled him in.

Just like that. But I am the one who is in need of it this time.

I used to love my mate, I cherished my work/community, and the way I lived felt aligned with what my heart had to give and my talents could serve. (simple syrup recipe: man close, bills paid, house clean). I know what that feels like. And this isn't it. 

The songs I chose were a prayer to be returned to that balance but in a new configuration that I cannot see (yet), and to be worthy of it (whatever/whoever it is). Only 3 songs, so each word had to count. And had to be in concert with the intention, which I spoke across the surface of 29th pond water.

These songs didn't make the cut, but are all useful if what you need is to feel better about pretty much everything. Love medicine spell long (play)list:

 QueenB - texas hold em - for plain spokenness ("don't be a bitch, boy")

I ain't saying - jordan davis for wrong pairings

be yourself - wilder woods (stripped version) better than bullshit (trust me)

living in lightening - city and colour you can't keep that up

I got the lonely - mel parsons get up (a.m. help)

the great unknown - mighty oaks change means changing, for help accepting that

made up mind - bonnie raitt for when you need a retro vibe and a virgo mind 

come as you are - zach bryan  pining for a/your herd (not a Nirvana cover)

wayside / back in time - gillian welch present use for the haunting past: remember the good parts (let the rest go)

the wood song - indigo girls for when you need masculine (re)solution(s) but your dog (companion mojo) is a lesbian 

we are very tired today

headstart - jade bird for frustration with the obtuse

you should probably [not] leave - Chris a sex song from one of the patron saints of demisexuals ("I know you, and you know me") - live version, because visualizing is part of conjuring and he embodies - warm, grounded, tangible -  surrounded by a constant whirlwind, he just IS, steady, and his IS-ness is a loop made whole by his mate 💞

Now comes the hard part... But that's ahead. For now, I rest.

Update: cleaning it all away now, I thank my cockcandle for his hard work 🙏