I can put myself right back there, smell the shop, feel the fuckboy man to the left of me, feel the man to the right of me who is closer, almost touching. I put my hand out and grabbed the shaft of the candle, "this one". The man to my left chuckled. The man to my right nodded. A momentary triad.
I've been reading every 'get ahold of yourself' book I can find. I am at the center of perfect storm energywise, a 3fer - home insecure, relationship hanging by a thread (or noose), career/livelihood battered.
Magick is a material practice. It is not "magic" at all. It is POWER to CHANGE things and the WILL to do so. The "magic" is having faith that things can be different than they currently are.
I have faith in the power of my body. I asked it to lose 10 pounds, it lost 30 (3x). My gradschool-weight wardrobe right now consists of the jeans left behind, a leather trechcoat, a tattered-from-stroking fur coat, boots that are as old as I am, and an old "hex therapist" t-shirt. It's as if my body forced me to unpack DECADES. And each decade had a partner + me alone, in apx equal measure, offsetting the damage respectively.
So for no SPECIFIC reason did I reach out and grab that cock candle, but I knew I might need it someday. And now is that time. A spell for Change and Healing, difficult things to pair. I need a wand of girth (the verb, to encircle 💞). Since the new moon, I've been charging it. I'm overly self-reliant, a challenge when what you are seeking are better partnerships / otherships. So I sought some help charging the wand. It made Nebraska upset and angry in ways he still is coping with, but he gave the help of his own volition and was recompensed.
I owe no thing to any one.
(Except maybe some apologies, which I have left on the table, take if you need one.)
Not quite time yet, but the full moon is Saturday. I am calling the quarters, gathering the rest of the materials, calling for more help from female friends (freely given) for balance, bringing all the energy I can summon, (thank you lake for your effect 🙏). And I will implore spiritual help this time, a spirit I will have to trust, a thing I both lack and need.
Not coincidentally, my Eric Avery finally came home. Now that it is hung where intended, I see that it mirrors the unhomed artist's painting, a total of 3 figures, all crucified ft radiant.
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| The Hardest Walk / Kaposi Sarcoma (ft my familiar) |
