aint wasting no more time 

you don't need no gypsy to tell you why

Consider that some who identify as "givers" really use giving as a form of control, obligation or power. It's not giving in the selfless way you think of it — it's transactional. When the "giver" feels they're not getting the response they want, they flip because their giving was never truly about generosity — it was about control.

tomorrow is a long time - bob dylan

My mother was discharged with 4x the dose of omeprazole and strict instructions about her behavior and dietary restrictions. My sister called and put me on speaker with her while she went in to CVS for the meds. The second sis wasn't listening, "I blame it on the salsa and [whispering] it was worth it." 🤣 🤦🏻‍♀️ Hemoglobin of 4.1 be damned, ya can't beat good Mexican food, despite the young Dr blurting 'wow, 4.1 is usually dead!'

I can (will) somehow deal with the clusterfuck that is my life. But I could not deal with losing my mother. (🙏 thank you Mary)

Today is a new moon and solar eclipse and the dregs of mercury retrograde -  start something new or better yet REstart. Rethink a thing. 

Mercury chases Venus into Pisces and conjoins with Neptune on this day of the new moon and solar eclipse. Inspiration flows like a tide, pulling hearts toward poetry, music and the kind of beauty that makes you weep. Every song is a love song, every brushstroke a confession. Love and art intertwine, each feeding the other.

🤔

 A gift of art: 

source (the Canadian accent 😂)

And music

kindergarten heart - shaina hayes

Dr: "hiatal hernia, cameron ulcers,hiatal hernia, cameron ulcers, hiatal hernia, cameron ulcers,hiatal hernia, cameron ulcers"

Jackie is the WORST patient, and most Dr's are like talking to Nebraska (head meets wall / eyes watch floor) - the combo is maddening 😵‍💫 Thank God for my sister 🙏

Dball - will this dog ever stop crapping liquid awful all over the floor day and night 😖...

And still with the flu B snot factories. Why is this flu giving folks nightmares? That's the worst symptom, reported by multiple people in different households, so it's definitely a thing :/ 

Let's check my tarot card ...

"handfasting" 

Don't see how that applies. All that is in front of me today is more illness, nobody listening, tears and snot and internal bleeding (mom's, mine is only psychological moral spiritual bleeding far as I know), with much dog shit.

dirty - mikhail laxton love this video...and now that I'm watching it vs just listening, there are trees on either side and dancing in the center 🤔 all that's missing is me?

Sometimes I really really wish I was pleasantly surprised (wrong).

coming home - old dominion what other way is there to kiss besides 'like coming home from war' now? 

Life needs to have some safe words, ya know? 

My mother has been admitted to hospital, upping the ante considerably even mid flu B hell. If my mother....

That would break me. I need a safe word for that. 

the war inside - tom morello ft chris sing it brother

I felt like an old candle that had sat forgotten on a shelf for years, frozen into the same lumpy awkward shape, dull with dust, but now here was the fire again, and I was softening and changing and finding I didn’t have to be that cold shape forever, and the wax was turning warm and bright again. He’d burn me away altogether before long, but it was worth it. ~ Hymn to Dionysus (a wish)

looking too closely - fink perfect with a little whiskey (breathe)

outside-time time

"in process"

❤️ Ears, my overtired driver 

 

"come here so I can get a better look" is what he called the piece, a charming title imo

I should be packing for WI, but I postponed into April. So. I'm sort of nonexistent atm, nobody expecting me anywhere. 

I am lying around on my stomach, healing and shopping for underwear. I can't get wet (my back, I mean) for 3 days in outside-time time.  #gameynaps starting now

right on time - brandi carlile 

I should have said something sooner. I should have told more truth. Sometimes you don't understand enough. And it's tricky if you want to be someone else, someone better. If you really do care but you can't...if you just can't.

"intention"

drop kick me jesus - bobby bare

happier alone - your hunni  

fuck it

rushmere - mumford & sons (semi-live) (official lyric alt)

Welp, Q confirms. A little less selling price but his commissions are lower so it comes out in the wash. If I can find a place to be that I like for 225-250k-ish, it's do-able. 

But. 

When it comes down to it, I'm trying to make decisions about how to get happier while working with a sad brain. Would moving make my brain feel better? The last time I did that, I moved to Lewiston and for a while it actually worked, which is why I'm hoping it would work again. 

But. It might not. 

We talked for 2 hours, 10 minutes about the house, which is fab.

"Are you ready to let go of what you've got left?" He recommends doing so, it's logical to do so, but he's not going to bullshit me, the look on my face is not one that inspires hope in the near future no matter what I do. He's sorry - do I want his famous secret cookie recipe? 

So. I try to just flip the script: What's the upside right now? 

Answer: Nobody has the right to demand anything from me. 

I love that part.

I can see getting mighty bored with that, tiz true, but I'm not yet. I can relax and just...think....

....that's a sexy luxury, right?

I just look at my 'historical architecture (sp?) lines' above my bed and Think Stuff confetti - charlotte cardin she read my mind

lalala listening to girly music about cowboys 👢

It's so obvious that I'm chagrined. Who has been there every time I moved to mark a moving on?

Q.

He's gonna hear the sob story like only he can - we always want the last decade back so we can refuck it. 💞

A frustrating amount of time has been spent waiting on that magical job. And the Priest did/does want me, as did the dean, which is validation of my work. They just can't get funding bc nobody can, including med schools. I told him I'd wait another month. March. Not 1 day more will I sit still.

Higher ed as a profession is fucked. Healthcare, on which my industry relies, is also fucked. I am smack dab in the middle of the "medical corridor" at the crossroads of fucked. Everyone says there will be 10k+ more jobs in healthcare to be filled here. It's been said so many times that it feels true. But it is not true. We may need 10k more providers, that doesn't mean that people want those jobs or that the funding to pay them will be there or that the schools that make providers will be able to keep doing that - all of those assumptions are simply wrong. STEM is not bullet proof; quite the contrary, it's a prime target. 

That will mean many houses will be foreclosed upon in places like this, college towns who bet the farm on false assumptions. 

They're giving NUR degrees away. All healthcare shortages will go this way, you watch. No such thing as free, so who is paying for it? 

Answer: assume you're fucked. THAT is the right bet.

But I'm pretty hard to kill. A difficult strategy environment feels like home, that way.

So. 

1. I want REAL, something to put my hands on, a lot, in every life category. To move on means to move physically, for me. It always has. 

2. And, I want out of the banking system entirely, my next primary res owned outright.

Q's situation assessment concurs with mine, especially about owning outright as good strategy despite my insanely low interest rate. I didn't think of this but Blowhard understands REAL ESTATE, and can arrange the banking system such that individuals won't be able to buy foreclosed properties. That is already difficult to do, and going forward it will be impossible in the chaos. Which means lien holders will have to sell in bulk. To people like Blowhard. 

That is going to happen. 

Q gives it 2 years at the outside before academics, the people who are the market for a house like this, realize they are not what they thought they were (secure). Sell it before any more of them get a clue. While the STEMs still think they're the smartest people in the world. 

Card of the day

"strategic planning"

Mark's best friend committed suicide. RIP baby blue - willow avalon

post yoga sweaty butt print - I took this same pic before once bc I thought it was funny, like a year ago ish. I took it again bc this time, I have so little ass padding, it's a twat print now (I need some ASS BACK / god dammit Ken 🤨)

 

Something went missing overnight, let's assume. I pulled the tower card yesterday too, so all signs point to a significant crumbling/collapse. 

All the kids have checked in, tho I am still worried about Ears, who has been sick for weeks and who is going to the dr again today over lymphnodes and paying out of pocket still because benefits under Blowhard just don't mean anything. That's not new, exactly. Getting sick to any degree in America at this point carries a high risk of a death sentence. That's only getting worse. Trend unchanged 📉

My employer might have gone under, but nothing in the news except that we have added "tumbling" to our sports, probably to add some estrogen to offset the always toxic lacrosse players. 

The impacts of royally screwing over all students, all student loan holders, all healthcare sector workers, (so basically everyone I know will) continue to worsen until folks aren't shooting just themselves in Mercy's ER.

Not new, any of that 📉

My anger feels spent, fucks to give gone, but that is not new. (Rage is perenniel.)

My not wanting to wake up to this same reality, not new.

My shopping for Bossy Bessy clothes over empowering undergarments for a job I don't have and a lover I (probably) haven't met, then buying nothing thus wasting my time entirely - status unchanged. (Maybe I'll buy the underwear.)

Real Estate, pondering it, making an appointment to look at something I almost certainly will not buy. (Ranch yes, fireplace no, sunroom no...), that's never new, so not that.

I could stand up and do something, or I could read in bed with dogs. 

"status quo"

Let's pray the Priest is well 🙏. He was delighted with this as of yesterday. I refrained from chiming in with "improvised are my favorite kind of explosive device!" (😇)

I'm stumped. Elvis has left the building, but I cannot identify Elvis. And all my imaginings about what (more) has been taken only work to piss me off / worry / upset me, which is very not new. 

Soundtrack, same old same old ft some attempt to shake my ass in the shower:

another day in paradise - cat v cat ft joyner (phil collins cover) boring 

gunnin - sean hayes better

P.s. I forgot, irony died. This is the campus read choice for next year, and we will be "expected to incorporate it into coursework covering any aspect of mental health".

"Trust, the willingness to be vulnerable to others, is an expression of faith that they will do the right thing. It is how hope lives between people." ~Jamil Zaki

How much trust do you have left on your dipstick? That's what I'm going to ask my students. In fact, I'm going to ask them all that today, extra credit for answering. But what if they don't know what a dipstick is (you'd be surprised / never assume they know anything). 🤔 I know, they can draw it, glass how much full?

just shy of fully eclipsed apx 2:15 a.m. 3/14/2025

This year's lunar eclipse on the worm moon resonates a theme of invisibility and humility. From a lowly place of diminished ego, more is possible. The reduction of self creates space for becoming. We wiggle our way into possibility. As put by Mary Oliver in her poem "Worm Moon": "The season for curiosity is everlasting and the hour for adventure never ends."

Lunar eclipses take something away. It could hurt. 

The Door - Teddy

My grad student texted, can we meet to discuss "men who don't communicate"? In trying to arrange a meet up time, I find that she is in DC with Nebraska. He "thought he mentioned it". (She blew him in.) 

"twatever"

sugar daddy - devon cole au courant 

a wish

They broke the silence with sighs and the rustle of clothing strewn on the floor. They broke the silence very gently, lazily, and they were considerate and very thorough. They were caring and tender and, although neither quite knew what caring and tenderness were, they succeeded because they very much wanted to. And they were in no hurry whatsoever. ~Andrzej Sapkowski

This is what being around him does to me. My body just kills itself, no resilience left. I feel physically awful. When did I get back from AZ? And it's taken me all this time to level back up to "adequate" physical health for 1 day. At a certain point, it doesn't matter why anymore. If every time you think about the other person or spend time with them, you feel awful, then as the Dr says "if it hurts to do that, don't do it" (duh)

Nebraska is in DC for the national humanities alliance conference and then advocacy day when you get to represent your state to members of Congress about keeping things funded. I would normally go with him. I did last year, and this year the idea of being in DC at all let alone over fucking funding - I mean, it's got to be INSANE right? Like meeting Flav, only different. If I were stronger. But I am not, presently.

Just talking about it brings me right back down.

It's going to be a very long year, I fear. 

He took a copy with him. Cz now all I do is tell him to stop fucking talking to me, but he does constantly, text text all day, I respond with barely polite monosyllables on the subject of work, while he also just bailed on paying anything towards mutual obligations (I am so never giving the dog back, no!), then at 1 a.m. he starts blathering about sending me breakfast (uh, do you know what any vet bill looks like, asshole? And wtf is up with men leaving me jeep payments? 🙄) until I have to shut him down AGAIN, no I'm not accepting bagels, go fuck yourself. "I am not interested in talking ON your terms or IN your terms." I suggested he go read this book, learn MY terms. Premise: you make me literally sick. 

It was the nicest way I could think of to say "you make me sick". 

I have a very annoying zit on my ass. Asstat karma, could that be a thing?  My skin is usually flawless, objectively speaking Italian skin just is. This is an estrogen gangbusters thing = the next dude is already on my nerves for not showing up by now lol 🤨 Let's call next dude "Ken".  God damn it, Ken 🤨

Funny story tho in which I am an idiot: hot yoga, afterward I'm in the shower, and I find this marble-sized zit back there and think omg I have buttcheek cancer !! then think that'd be a funny way to die, objectively funny😆 🤷🏻‍♀️ But no, it's just Ken 🤨

No song God dammit 🤨🙄

Talk. selena gomez ft benny blanco Talk is a balm.

I chatted with Toughie last night. Short term disability still not approved despite legal requirements to approve and provide it. Smart boy kept a voice recorder in his pocket, as did I, the pile of HR lawsuits pending gets bigger by the day. However, thanks to the Blowhorn, the NLRB is defunct = there shall be no protections of any kind for any worker, union or not, no matter what your contract or the law says. Until further notice, you should put air quotes around your "rights". 

We need to stay away from our workplace as much as we can atm to protect our health from collapsing. But that means forced social isolation. And after a while, that feels just as bad for us as the working conditions were/are. We miss each other and all our friends. Set a goal before coming back, I suggested. My goal: gain 10 pounds. If I gain 10 pounds and haven't moved to Phoenix, then I will return to campus next fall. And be an intentional thorn. 🤨

Protecting my own is one of my strongest instincts. Proof: hearing from Toughie did not turn me on, it was just a RELIEF, another one of us they failed to kill, safe for now. And that relief = I scarfed down a plate of Niagara Cafe like WHOA. I finally felt it again: hungry. I have been eating only by forcing myself to do so for many months. Hungry is very different than starving, bodywise. Hunger feels like your body is trying to live; starving feels like your body is trying to quit this life. 

Then I slept like a baby who strangles Kens 💤

 

"I'm going to strangle you."

I'm Just Ken - Ryan Gosling ft Slash (live)  💞

Cosmic rhythms are authorizing you to be extra demanding in the coming days—as long as you are not frivolous, rude, or unreasonable. You have permission to ask for bigger and better privileges that you have previously felt were beyond your grasp. You should assume you have finally earned rights you had not fully earned before now. My advice is to be discerning about how you wield this extra power. Don’t waste it on trivial or petty matters. Use it to generate significant adjustments that will change your life for the better.

Rob's weekly oracles don't count as horoscopes. He's not even pretending to know astrology, it's pure augury. I called in sick today. I feel "fine", but my heart knows better. 

wtf is HRV balance?

It's Fat Tuesday. I need to decide what I will give up for lent. (I wish I could put out a suggestion box.) Jerking off, methinks - not because it is "bad" but just to go without expenditure of my girly self down.

I've been thinking of "my demands", working within the circle of warmth emanating from that Priest, an almost voodoo charm he pulls out and lays on you in quick decisive affirmations ("I Needed, and Jesus sent you in a basket") , then you're in it before you even knew there was an it to be in, identified and conscripted. 

The demands I make next - of him of them of me of life - have to right my heart(beat). What does that?

Listening for answers, lying here in the quiet, phone silenced, calendar wiped. I can almost physically feel an assumptive answer, like "married". I don't know how to interpret that. I am certain no more diamonds will be on my left hand again. Ever. But I affirmatively consented to something. And I am not strong enough (yet) for whatever it is.

Turn on the radio. Maybe a song will be sent with some answers. I'll be here.

"dog pile"

Monday sucks. 

Unions submit 16,500 staffing violations at WNY hospitals to state Health Department and all that that implies.

my fave time, sleepy long morning coffee in bed with the mutts, soaking up what vit D there is alone on Venus

If you felt, in the weeks past, you could sometimes read the thoughts of another, that sense will be less pronounced in the new cycle. On the last day of Mercury's journey through the sign of intuition, we realize there's a limit to what can be expressed silently, sent with a look or on the wings of intention. Get ready to dig into a more direct style of communication.

Ok, let's "dig in". I mean, mostly I have either said all I had to say or have gotten no reply or both. So, g'head, lay it on me.

Jesus, is that you dawg? 

This would have been a great day for fucking all afternoon. 

I did my best 🌩 with all the rain on my libido parade. Finally made that dick butter. Starting with this one.

Ending (toxin shedding). Ingredients include witch tears and Italian tang.  Soundtrack (this dude slayed me today, and I let them fall fall fall 😭): east side of sorrow - zach bryan and Oklahoma smokeshow his/hers

More Time: ingredients include reblooming rose absolute suffused into the wooden lid underside northern attitude - noah kahan ft hozier

'Flutters', from the V-DAY horoscope (You'll soon have all the time and space to dive into the passions that set your heart aflutter.) Secret ingredient, girl drool training season - dua lipa (live) body talk - kane brown katelyn brown (behind the scene)

The soundtrack picked itself, Alexa dj'ing whatever by chance, mostly songs new to me - ones for crying, one for holding up/out, ones that were ready to flutter. Butters made in that order accordingly.

7

I just got home from the union thing where I hung out w someone who has worked there for 30 years whom they just fired and perp walked her off campus without letting her get her shit out of her office. Lost another half dozen last week, that way, how they like to fire people, with a security escort. It's SADISTIC. She lost 30 pounds by the time they fired her and also lost hair, just like me. Both getting vitamin shots and feeling like the world THAT WE BUILT TOGETHER FOR UMPTEEN YEARS has been pulled out from under, like it was nothing. And since Nebraska has ZERO understanding of that, it feels like he's one of the bad guys too, the ones who thought all those years of built things were just nothing of value. They think bc they weren't in the picture yet, it didn't even exist.

I really really hate that "you were no thing" thing. I am always a fucking thing motherfucker. Was always. Will be always. 

Earlier today, I was offered the dream job. Chair of Medical Humanities at a big ol' medical school. My job will be to create a sense of community. I'm great at that, although breaking up with the primary ally on hand as a starting point is dicey. Then again, meh, I had to marry in where I'm at now cz I wasn't well connected privilege class enough to get in otherwise. One way or another, everybody fucks their way into the life they're in. Think about it. At least this time I don't have to MARRY it, I just have to humor it. When the time comes that I must deal with him, I'm going "open relationship". I mean, what GUY doesn't want a free pass? Then he will go off with whoever (whew). But. THEY STILL DO NOT HAVE THE CASH, so we have a "go" on everybody's strategic fucking plan 🙄. I have spent my professional existence sitting on the "wishlist" in the budget. So I get it. It might never happen. But feels like it will happen, sooner or later. Because Priest is the current chair, beloved by all, and wants to name a successor so he can step down. And at the end of the day, who is going to say no to THE priest? Ya know? He asked me if I could start in July if he got the $. 

It is impossible that that's happening to me. I am NO THING actually hahahaha. There are soooo many more qualified people. And yet. 

You'd think I'd be thrilled. But I'm not. I'm gratified. Under the right conditions, that could feel pleasantly sexy. But I still have to pay an almost excruciating exit cost. "Exit cost" is one of the things I learned in the class about crows that I'm paid to teach and I do no thing, the animal biologist teaches it for kicks and I sign off. Cuz I dunno. Honestly. I get away with murder. Getting this fancy job, for ME, that's getting away with murder. Again. And it feels like murder. 

It all feels so heavy on my heart I can barely breathe.

If you do it faithfully, hot yoga right-sizes you. It'll layer muscle. It will sculpt another whole me (again). 

I should do more shit faithfully. Like make my bed. I shall make my bed today so I feel shit-together-y in preparation to talk later to the Priest, who I am praying has not found the money to pay me yet because I don't want to go, but it would be insane to turn down a job there, but there isn't a snowball's chance in hell I am marrying or even staying engaged to Nebraska and that's gonna throw all those guys into a patriarchal tizzzzzzy. If only I could fake an understandable affair with a woman - guys can compute "switched teams". But I can't fake the fucking time of day. 

too skinny ft need dick&pizza stat

Then I'm going to a union happy hour. It's hard to look like this and not want to drive it around, ya know? But I never want to go anywhere, a conundrum that union affiliation might help.

Tomorrow is the dick butter cook, because of course Sunshine never showed up (some things never ever change god bless her); if she shows up this time, I'm going to drag her to ANOTHER union hang out, an honest to god speakeasy for socialist end of days minded folk. The dude I never fucked in New Orleans is bartending. Sunshine can't keep track of the dicks with flowers and bees all around. I know she's gonna bat her lashes and ask something like "which one of the guys she never did fuck are you?" Fine 🙄. I  wanna see if you can really lay your problems on a bartender. Is that cliche true? Can I ask him, if you were me, in full light of all the ass eating (not in a good way) details, what would you do?

I doubt the bartender cliche is true. I think everybody just gets drunk (except me), and Sunshine could might definitely fuck a fireman. But. Fine fine 🙄. 

OH WELL - Slash&Chris for dancing around the house in nothing but panties and boots 🩲👢my "lucky outfit" (turn it up!)

"Eventually, having unmet needs or having to meet the needs of others is no longer experienced as stressful. It feels normal. One is disarmed." When the Body Says No, Gabor Mate, M.D.

Otherwise known as learned helplessness. Like a dog electrocuted in its cage with no escape eventually curls into it and won't walk out. 

I doubt myself (rightfully). Is my wholesale physical rejection of current options refusing a cage or refusing to leave one? 

But that's the wrong question (?) When a cage door opens into another cage, still at the mercy (or not) of others, the dog is set up to go from helpless to perishable. 

(And for better or worse, I'm not a dog.)

The psycho-neuro-immuno-endocrine upshot is that being subsumed by another(s) is so stressful to a human being that they get sick, maybe even sick to death. That is measurable in my body. SCIENCE. And it is the strongest people who go down hardest, as we are not maleable enough to survive it. We withstand it. Until we snap.

"I look at you, and I see a shade of yourself." 

I've been sheltering in place. I left to go to yoga last night finally. I gave the instructor/friend a ride home. As soon as we were in the jeep, he said "I look at you, and I see a shade of yourself." 

let go - boyce avenue (acoustic cover) beauty in the blurdown

Following the turn of Mars is a soulful Piscean conjunction, a poetic omen and invitation to dance in less literal interpretations of the world. Logic leaves, love leads, and there is beauty in the blur. It's good to wander unthinkingly through some moments, trusting the answers you need are already within you, waiting to emerge in unexpected forms.

Today, Tops. Maybe there will be music, sometimes stores do that and I can't help dancing a little every time.