I just got home from the union thing where I hung out w someone who has worked there for 30 years whom they just fired and perp walked her off campus without letting her get her shit out of her office. Lost another half dozen last week, that way, how they like to fire people, with a security escort. It's SADISTIC. She lost 30 pounds by the time they fired her and also lost hair, just like me. Both getting vitamin shots and feeling like the world THAT WE BUILT TOGETHER FOR UMPTEEN YEARS has been pulled out from under, like it was nothing. And since Nebraska has ZERO understanding of that, it feels like he's one of the bad guys too, the ones who thought all those years of built things were just nothing of value. They think bc they weren't in the picture yet, it didn't even exist.

I really really hate that "you were no thing" thing. I am always a fucking thing motherfucker. Was always. Will be always. 

Earlier today, I was offered the dream job. Chair of Medical Humanities at a big ol' medical school. My job will be to create a sense of community. I'm great at that, although breaking up with the primary ally on hand as a starting point is dicey. Then again, meh, I had to marry in where I'm at now cz I wasn't well connected privilege class enough to get in otherwise. One way or another, everybody fucks their way into the life they're in. Think about it. At least this time I don't have to MARRY it, I just have to humor it. When the time comes that I must deal with him, I'm going "open relationship". I mean, what GUY doesn't want a free pass? Then he will go off with whoever (whew). But. THEY STILL DO NOT HAVE THE CASH, so we have a "go" on everybody's strategic fucking plan 🙄. I have spent my professional existence sitting on the "wishlist" in the budget. So I get it. It might never happen. But feels like it will happen, sooner or later. Because Priest is the current chair, beloved by all, and wants to name a successor so he can step down. And at the end of the day, who is going to say no to THE priest? Ya know? He asked me if I could start in July if he got the $. 

It is impossible that that's happening to me. I am NO THING actually hahahaha. There are soooo many more qualified people. And yet. 

You'd think I'd be thrilled. But I'm not. I'm gratified. Under the right conditions, that could feel pleasantly sexy. But I still have to pay an almost excruciating exit cost. "Exit cost" is one of the things I learned in the class about crows that I'm paid to teach and I do no thing, the animal biologist teaches it for kicks and I sign off. Cuz I dunno. Honestly. I get away with murder. Getting this fancy job, for ME, that's getting away with murder. Again. And it feels like murder. 

It all feels so heavy on my heart I can barely breathe.