jon muq - runaway

I finally got a pointless chicken. Made me a wee wistful, but it was time. To consummate the relationship with my new life partner. 

it lights up 🤷🏻‍♀️

#lakelifeparter

I still love my pond husband. I might see him still, sometime(s). 

glo in her glory

gamu - shake the room
 

Maybe Omaha. Or Phoenix. Maybe RIT. Maybe Canisius. I keep turning the options over and going for them all, all at once. I'm under no illusions regarding the place I've given my working life to.  I would relish stunned. That this time it's me leaving. 

If I built it, I can set it on fire. If I built it, I can build it again. Over and over, I turn those phrases over in my mind like benway balls. 

taking advice from fucking garbage cans lol 🙄, FANCY cans #saladeatingbitch

Soltice scopesheena easton - I'm almost over you: Does any person or institution own a part of you? Has anyone stolen some of your power? Does anyone insist that only they can give you what you need? If there are people who fit those descriptions, Virgo, the coming weeks will be an excellent time to fix the problems. According to my understanding of life’s rhythms, you can summon the ingenuity and strength to reclaim what rightfully belongs to you. You can recover any sovereignty and authority you may have surrendered or lost.

@cottage

What if I were the one throwing life into garbage bags? When the blood tests came back (diagnosis: I am an exhausted bag of mostly cortisol) and I got a horsesize vitamin B12 shot to my ass, wow my temper with some B-fuel has been and is EPIC.  😵‍💫🔥

American Dreaming - Sierra Ferrel

"life cycle of a woman, inset"

The Pink! 

I drove straight through overnight and rolled into Buffalo around 4:30 a.m. In silence. Looking for that version of myself who could make bank shots, drunk or sober. RIP

On fire. 

Heading home early. To blow some shit up. Downsize maybe to a little brick wolf-safe home-base. Or take LOA / sell it all off entirely. 

Something.

 🤔

Sitting at dawn in my sister's home. Thinking.  Thinking they won't die if I walk away. Nobody will die if I walk away. So, what is most likely to kill me? That is the only real question. More of my life as I've been living it definitely will kill me. I'm my own Andy, treating me(yself) like shit and ignoring it when I cry. 

T-bone

Wow it's hard to believe he's the dude who terrorized us over a crumb under the toaster all through my childhood. It looks like duck dynasty fucked a homeless person and had a love hoarder in here, holy hell. 

Both my parents are sharp as tacks. No, sharp as shivs. But neither was ever good at keeping their shit together much. Compounded by age and knee-jerk independence. I'll be mulling genetic compound aging knee-jerk tendencies in myself as I hunt for the maggots that surely must be here somewhere to explain all the flies. 

poor nameless boy - breadcrumbs

 even cleaned/Petco'd the dog

 I grew resigned to the idea that, for the time being, I had one central preoccupation: ongoingness. ~Between Two Kingdoms, Suleika Jaouad

That's what you call that mood. Ongoingness. A privilege, really. I mean, as I get older, Mark stays dead. 

And on that note, off I go to WI. 

mipso - carolina rolling by (earworm)

Maybe all we are is creation's translators, putting things like granite or oak or elephant or corn in a language they want to be put in, to give them bodies made of sound so they're measurable. "Measurable" sounds like "miserable" when I pronounce it. ~ Fire Exit, Morgan Talty

nothing really changes - slow leaves

 

I am in a mood, though all is well. Relatively. I am often in this mood. Then I do an inventory, trying to figure it out, a somewhat searching somewhat moral inventory: My job has been completely infused with the mounting catastrophe that is healthcare in this country + the growing crisis of purpose that is tanking higher education. So, that's not great, but objectively speaking it's okay for my career until the apocalypse; the kids are fine. Relatively; I'm in a stable relationship. Relatively; I have my health. Relatively. I'm curled up with a dog on my feet right now, reading a book. So. Why this mood? A kind of crabby waiting, as if at a red light that's taking for fucking ever.

Maybe it's bugging me that Ex is marrying M today. The dispatches from TJ from the backyard affair are priceless (M---a walks down the stairs this morning, holds her arms open like Christ awaiting the first nail, and says "I am so full of dread!" in a chipper tone.) I feel droll about it. Like, how many backyard weddings are we all going to have racked up at the rate we bang them out apx once a decade? 🤔🙄 

TJ tweeted some smack toward the leader of the free world as a joke = the sec ret se rvice up all our butts and today a trip out to Al's to meet with agents 🤦🏻‍♀️. It was annoying to me, terrifying to her, one of us should have apologized but we didn't think of it, both just dumbstruck by driving back into Lewiston. Homesickness for me, suffocation for her, deja vu for Al. Then we went to Andersons at TJ's request, a hot dog to comfort the vegetarian.

love and affection - joan armatrading

 sunrise@cottage 

Meshell Ndegeocello- Oysters 

Oliver devoted a segment to several unusual commencement addresses this year, but gave special attention to D'Y.. 

🙄🤦🏻‍♀️🤨🤣

Sitting in my cottage, alone for the first night. I could, since I have time, mull all the troubles left behind, but that would defeat the purpose of having this place. Besides, now that I'm finally here and quieted, I sense that much of my trouble is just distraction(s) I have generated for myself so that the deeper currents can't sweep me away. 

"Queen of Pents, cottage goddess"

https://youtu.be/LIIDh-qI9oI?feature=shared

smib

"still life with cat"

I want a cigarette.

I'm trying to remember/understand why exactly that old grandparental cottage meant so much to me. Why I was so bereft to lose it. Like a lover who really understood me. Then was gone, just like that. 

I could not accept that loss. 

So, I waited it out. 

It was mostly the people, not the place, of course. But it was also the place, the smell of it. And the space, theirs but also all of ours, the ace in the hole, a thing owned outright (safe), rare for us who bought mostly on "lay away".

When I die, I'll give the cottage to them *in trust*, no selling the one thing we/you actually own in full, never again for as long as memory of who I was remains. No matter how hard pressed, or maybe rich and no longer interested, I don't care anywhichway, if you're a descendent of mine by blood or by accumulation, you will get one piece of me guaranteed, and/but that one piece will only be of any value to you if you remember why it was.

s.m.i.b.

while I'm down (acoustic)

Ears ❤️

look, a spot for each of my ex's including the next one - Nebraska didn't think that was funny 🤣

Accessibility (i.e. Butterknife) features installed @ cottage - digging that slope down to level was brutal 😵‍💫 and they bitched and moaned but 🤷🏻‍♀️. Everyone still remembers the pond = no sense trying to resist when I'm holding a shovel. And indeed it could and did get done.

john craigie - while I'm down (current fave booty shaker)

matt anderson - only an island  

The sexdoll couldn't pronounce the school's name 🤣🤦🏻‍♀️ 

woulda been more exciting if he'd died, but he was just sleepy 

A red dot would maybe be helpful 🤔 

t(gif)ired

kaia kater - "burn my name into your ___"

squirrelpox, which grays aren't supposed to get sick from as carriers only, but what I thought was an injured baby was in fact a very sick adult

First the goose, now this, the spca wildlife peeps know me (not a good thing)

and baby cardinals all fledged today, coincidentally - that guy is the dufus 🤦🏻‍♀️ 

very alive

Right back to it. 

workplace environment

On campuses everywhere, students are trying to go scorched earth over crimes against humanity, and here everybody is having a meltdown over a sex doll, which really didn't go over well, shocking no one except the new Big D,  Big C (lemo). That lady's been good to me but oof. Ya know they mail the sexdoll in a box to her speaking gigs? And then they take her outa there and then, like, you have to be nice to her/it (more pronouns, oi). As if all academic spaces weren't stressed out enough you had to throw a fetish for making everybody laugh miserably, as if yoked to a perpetual required cocktail party with robots who must be entertained. 🤦🏻‍♀️😖🤨🙄

IDK - phoebe green

 

I got on the floor to play with the baby. They utterly lost their minds. Dball cried over me licking the top of my head my face my feet, on and on. J-Joplin let loose about a gallon of piss, about which I was super pissed off (!)  but in retrospect I think that was PTSD ie I'm not the only one, duh. They lived through a near fatal fall down a flight of stairs AND a home invasion that we humans only interrupted and paid for ... why did I think they wouldn't have a lot to say about all that trauma (too)? Theirs was way worse, really. I only had to be dead through the fall thing (who would care for them after?), and I wasn't taken hostage in the home invasion (I just had to come home to a broken home after the fact). When I think about it all from their point of view, it makes me sick to my stomach for real