I have lost the equivalent of her weight since June. I have shed one entire Janis Joplin, like stepping out of a suffocating macott costume. #notateamplayer

Respect viruses. And Hard Change. Never underestimate worthy adversaries. Important rule.

Let Me Breathe - action bronson, from Scorched Earth playlist 

It just keeps getting better, the 9/11 call wooooooow!, by the time we get to IKEA I cannot stop coughing but it's worth it. 😶‍🌫️😶‍🌫️😶‍🌫️🤣😶‍🌫️😶‍🌫️🤧🤣😶‍🌫️

It's remarkable that we continue to reproduce so much, honestly. Sperms must be ninjas, leaping over tall (tallest!) buildings of stupid, getting couches pregnant if they can, anything, hail marys all over fuck.

scorched earth [playlist in development]

I am more physically ill than I have been since I went to China in 2006, when I threw a punch hard enough at Ex to punch my own self in the face, coughed just like this for months, and wound up divorced from that asshole and with his job as my own to boot. A job that I am, finally, shedding - an admittedly discomforting process but also deeply satisfying, not unlike getting at that persistent itch at the very back of my throat - leaving a coiled empty snake skin in the exact shape of myself behind, a ruse, a warning sign of Curse.

Thank you, my grandmothers, for your fortifying incandescent rage. My rage. 🙏

Shirley's ashes ft. Hidden Voice recorder 

My mother said there would be days like these, indeed. I tried to avoid it longer, to get to the cottage safely, Ma, but I didn't make it. Days like these always really suck. I've left men. I've kicked men out. I've left whole lives behind a couple times. I've (temporarily) relinquished the care of my children twice when I have been forced to do so by the men and the lives. I've rarely left jobs, and never changed career fields, so I am in new territory on that; I have been poor, I hope that counts as experiential learning. I am familiar with the prickly back-of-the-neck sensation of a hostile evironment being enjoyed by someone in power over me, the chilly shadow thrown over my body of sanctioned menace. Yes, I am quite familiar with that. I cannot say that I feel unafraid or that I am not bereft. My body is certainly doing its bereft routine, dropping weight like a stone, the flight/fight response, hardening right before my eyes in the mirror as it prepares, muscles tight, carving themselves into what looks like hours spent at a gym but it is actually the result of a million clenches like my molecules are each doing squats, and I feel like utter shit ft. resplendent, an inverse proportional resulting in looking fucking fantastic as if by dark magic. My body and I recognize the sensation of my back against a wall and the man in front of me must be made to move, to make a hard choice about which way he will jump as I come out of cornered right at him, and what that choice will likely be (regrettable). I have never forced several to jump at once. That'll be new today.

Hmm. What is the soundtrack ... 🤔 

hard time - seinabo sey 

cleaning my gun - mark knopfler

14220 is Mercy adjacent. Does anyone in that zip not work in healthcare some kinda way? Just saying, there might be a link between our healthcare workworld and despair 🤔 (Duh)

They say medicine is an art. That's what I'm there for, to tell them that, make them write, teach them an artform. But medicine is more like magic. Alchemy. "If you cannot curse, you cannot cure."~ Sabrina Scott

I'm on 5 meds - steroids, inhalers, antibiotics, etc - to combat whatever this very nasty bug is (not covid), which took me down in less than an hour from first sneeze to nasty cough to wheezing face bleeding ear infected mess. My primary was so happy to see me, she feels bad but I'm always so funny when I'm unwell! I want her to laugh, that helps her work the needed magic. 

Moving back to the cottage to heal and rest up for Phoenix. Finally submitting my pistol application on the way. (Jesus, that process is bonkers. You can get married a hell of a lot easier and that's more deadly! You don't need classes and character witnesses for that shit, and you should!). By doing so, I am trying to start wrapping up this "sonic boom HELL FUCKING NO" phase (protracted tantrum). Having dropped 15 pounds and reanimated my hair like a pile of slither on my head via the vitamin shots, I want to at least be open to a float in the Rise pool before I seduce the fuck out of med students in front of a bunch of priests. Which I fully intend to do (yesss). 

ane brun - to let myself go (keyham DM rework) 

"Maenad", 'vi:tɔld ˌpruʂ'kɔv:ski

Bonus track - name is BURNS, only in Buffalo lol 🙄, we are so droll in the face of loss(es)

My mother loves this house. Every time we pass it on our way to the 100-yr-old little grocery that makes sausage to die for (marjoram and blueberries, omg), she says "my my!, this town is so lovely!"

It would be a thrill to get that house just because she loves it so, to give her the Benjamin Moore color wheel and let her go crazy with the cheese whiz on it. It'd be like I'm magic, which I am (just ask my mother). Then I'd create a line of credit for her at the "antiques mall" in town with the billion stalls of old lady shit that makes her gasp with memory. "Do you remember?!", she asks about the vintage butter hen, which oddly I do kinda remember, some genetic memory of a great grandmother feeling well enough surrounded by milk glass in her kitchen. And I could do that. If I were mad enough.

It would be quite mad to go to Phoenix to guest lecture as part of my recruitment this month, while simultaneously buying another huge fixer upper in NY, while simultaneously trying to land the duplex sale around squatters, while simultaneously readying myself to sell my current home (probably) despite it being now covered in murals that my mother painted - and what if she dies (!?) then I'd be bereft of all these touches of hers (!!) - while simultaneously brewing a pheromone miasma so strong that I think my bare feet might spontaneously sprout leather boots. 

I should be thinking about a condo in Phoenix. But I am not. In the first place, I'm not sure I want to work in Phoenix - they're test driving me, but I'm test driving them too. 

Plus I'm sick, planted on the couch with a nasty cough, my body pressing the pause button for some much needed rest after pulsing for months with gameness = incandescent with feeling(s) + silent + self determining. Trying to crack myself open to let in what wants to come to me, and to let out some of the steam. Putting distance between myself and everything, working my body as a tool to get that done, carving myself into my own Galatea. I don't want to spend any unecessary energy on condo (beige) thoughts. Wherever I go, there will be a bed, I trust.

Fun fact I am learning: health humanists could work kinda like travel nurses, demanding more money for less commitment. I wonder if working that way requires being a person who could throw their lives into bags with little warning, or if working like that turns you into a person who can do that (?). Nature v Nurture (?)

There is something so planted in me that it's difficult being mutable. Until I lose my temper. My tantrums reverberate far beyond detonation, waves of consequence beyond what can be known at ground zero(s). My mother put her foot down only once in her life, the day she left my father, and 38 years later they both still think about that every single day, think about each other every single day, living out the significance of that moment, both of them endlessly mulling it as if it might be relitigated even now. 

Be careful where you plant a foot. You might later wish to root out just what you planted. But maybe that's part of the process, the effort it takes to yank yourself freer showing you what power you still have. 

Forget Me - chris klaaford (kitchen version) what the close captioning lyric robot does with "vitriol" (great word) is hilarious 🙄

"gameness"

"against jesus"

Woke up sick oof 🤧 Disco and I are watching Interview with a Vampire

Killing Myself - Kevin Welch ❤️yeet

I've got to see you again - norah jones (alternate version - the allaire sessions) 

newly minted, smib

nothing compares to you - chris cornell

It is the new moon in Virgo tonight. Every augurie good. 

labor day

Being in public for no reason other than to be among my herd. Humans. I chose a coffee shop which might be frequented by a friend who lives in this burb (last I knew) whom I have not seen in person in a while though I have seen his cock umpteen times, sending dick pics being how he loses his mind. I’d like to see him again (the rest of him). 

I’m wondering: what is the relation of a fetish to a compulsion to a slow motion psychotic break (?)  Diagnosing a psychotic break sounds like a pretty easy thing once the psyche is visibly broken, bringing to mind men walking around without pants seemingly unawares, raving at passing cars and the like.  But I don’t think that’s how minds and hearts break mostly.

A couple next to me is discussing the oppressive tipping situation, which seems to them a harbinger of the end of days, a vignette I want to share as an amusing observation with another friend who is right now marching in a Labor Day parade, surely chanting something worker affirming, but I cannot share that story because I am at this moment enjoying a chai latte after tipping the barista merely the change from a $10 for a $9 muffin, the privilege of which would disgust as much as amuse him, and that’s not what I’m going for, “going for” being illusive with that friend already as I sit here in my bedazzled New Orleans t-shirt.

I bond with people who border on madness, more men border on madness than women in real life, in literature the maniacs are all women who are wild-tressed sexually unhinged brunettes, which I suppose is what attracts the somewhat troubled men to me, as if their cocks are homing pigeons to my trope. 

I am told that I am quite funny. Inappropriate is the marrow of my humor, to be safely shared with a meeting of eyes, an unspoken understanding calling attention to something they should not be thinking but which they are thinking, tamping down a giggle behind a cough. Think "sweater pants". Bam, intimacy sparked.

My instinct is finding something absurd to deflate the stated agenda, whatever that agenda may be, because although there are countless agendas in gatherings of humans, typically someone is in charge and the goal is absurd (to me). If I were marching around and picnicing in Caz park for workers’ rights today, for instance, I would be doing so, on the face of it, because I believe baristas should get dental coverage (I don’t have dental coverage – does anyone actually have dental coverage?). But. I can imagine the march from here, a stimulating mix of diverse folks chanting lustily, one of whom is my friend, his earnestness rendering him something akin to a grown boy scout ripe for defiling. I’d be all about the rights of workers while actually observing the body of my friend, who has come back now (mostly) from losing his mind over the little wife who left him for the man she was sleeping with when she married him. He has gained weight how men tend to do that, I've noticed, a hard ripe tummy, the kind of weight people put on after they have been molested, a protective girth. I tell him that he needs a dog, and I send him petfinder ads every morning. But. He needs an affair with a married woman, needs to shave that tummy right off with the nervy energy of illicit desire, and I might even suggest that course of action, a perfectly innocent proposition from me as I am not (yet) married.  He might say that such an affair would be unthinkable, given that he was torn asunder by infidelity – if so, he’s not yet to the later phase when you find that it didn’t kill you / it isn’t fatal.

They are probably together, my friend and the coworker I threw down with once (twice maybe) (those were dark cloudy days), whose attendance at worthy marches is a given. The coworker’s ass ranks number one in drunken ladies room confessionals and, despite the public do-gooding, he has a susceptibility to doing no-good that I personally tested (epic fail).  We never have spoken about that incident, but since then he occasionally quips that I might puke, as in ‘don’t tell her that gross story or she might gag’, comments that invariably make him blush scarlet. What I can't remember I can well guess, so clearly sticking in his mind that he has a Pavlovian response to my putting so much as a carrot stick in my mouth at picnics. 

I leave it simmer.

I am contemplating: the relationship between desire and stress.  Not a little stress causes too much online shopping typa deal.  I’m talking about the duress of life:death:meaning:need colliding like fusion, unearthing desires buried in drums that were never supposed to leak.  But they do. 

part time lover - vladimir buiakov (adorable version)

Play me a song?

to the one I love (mustache ride version) - ben aaron

TODAY'S BIRTHDAY (Aug. 31). You master the art of claiming certainty in an uncertain world. Your confidence brings you to brilliant strategies. You will often assess risk and benefit accurately. Your true genius emerges when you stay the course for a long game and find steady, continued success. More highlights: Your favorite companionship, cross-generational education, proud group wins. Gemini and Libra adore you. Your lucky numbers are: 9, 1, 10, 4 and 17

"vascular"

who do you love - elise legrow - high rec

#fair

The duplex is sold (probably) (virgos never count their chickens) - beyond unlikely, a man I've never met has been watching me. A neighbor. That part itself isn't surprising (how many times has a dude popped into my life after watching me unbeknownst?), but that he would pop up with my price $ in cash so fast that I didn't even have to pound the sign into the ground is 

If all goes well, I'll be free and flushed with cash by October.

VIRGO

When an infant giraffe leaves its mother’s womb, it falls six feet to the ground. I suspect that when you are reborn sometime soon, Virgo, a milder and more genial jolt will occur. It may even be quite rousing and inspirational—not rudely bumpy at all. By the way, the plunge of the baby giraffe snaps its umbilical cord and stimulates the creature to take its initial breaths—getting it ready to begin its life journey. I suspect your genial jolt will bring comparable benefits. 

Last night I dreamed I slapped a man's face and he liked it. And so did I.

If you don't leave now - christo graham

Cave. - wild river 

It's so dead quiet here. My mind goes feral and wanders. (Content censored.)

super moon over the lake

the angel and the saint - goldie boutilier high rec

step into your power - ray lamontagne

karla davis - you should probably leave

linda r - maybe I'm right, maybe I'm wrong lalalaa

Staring down the barrel of a new semester and everything busted all to shit with no end yet in sight. Steeling (stealing) myself. The return of tulip week (I had forgotten about it [!] until it roared back, untethered from a predictable cycle unless you count my brewing storms, always at least a category 1 just offshore) is fueling outright rebellion in my soul. 

post malone - california sober ❤️ the country fusion trend 

sleepovuhr

if the sun never rises again - johnny blue skies

 

It’s the skill of a teacher. 

Imagining being in front of live students again, med students, smart students, (slightly) flirting with 100 people at once is my (only?) comfort zone (?). It's been a minute. 

marcus king - this far gone wow, bonus track mood swings

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You want to bring joy to someone and will be successful as long as you find the right person to focus your effort on — someone receptive to joy and open to you as well. With the right subject, all else falls into place.

🤔 all of that feels correct, except on whom? and why only one whom, necessarily? I'd like spread a bunch of joy all over fuck ...

"bird tv"

#cottagecoremulling

jj - guitar man can you put me at ease?

What are you listening to?  

Nikki Lane - Can't Say Shit

 

Coming back into my skin, "little by little" as my mama observed. "I think it started to turn around when you went off to shoot guns, your eyes sparkled and those barrel chested dudes looked good to you." They were nice, and patient, methodical. (Us: 🤭) 

sturgill - turtles all the way down

patti smith - summertime sadness (lana del ray) 

still fucking the clock

flying colors

Now all I need is 4 people in Erie County who know me and who will answer the phone (nobody I know answers the phone) to vouche for my not being nuts (TOO nuts) for the application for the permit which will take 6-8 months (during which time I cannot practice shooting pistols before purchasing one [but I can shoot Sarahconnor the bazuka all I want]) then once I get the permit (if any of my squirrely friends answered the fucking phone) (and if TJs stupid joke about killing folks on Twitter hasn't tainted the water) I have go to Pennsylvania and get a nonresident permit which is recognized in the state of Nebraska (where I will have been living for 5-7 months) (maybe) which does not grant nonresident permits in its own right but will recognize one you went to Pennsylvania to get because gun laws are as irrational as they are completely ineffective (as demonstrated by an unsuccessful potshot at the Dictator to spice up the vibe during gun class weekend). 

It was fun.

fire away - my type

Us: (rocking like grannies on the porch of the cottage in matching adirondack chairs)

Me (singing quietly): this current time is just one of those times

Her: I love that song

Me: the cottage is holding up, as a crazy decision I made

Her: you've made a lot of good decisions

Me: I'm thinking hard about them, and the crazier ones hold up best, right?

Her: like what was so crazy?

Me: a PhD in English jumps to mind

Her: it's been amazing, your life

Me: Ma, don't say that like it's over 🤨 my point is that it's the endingS plural that I regret 🤔

Her: 🤔

Me: I mean I can't regret A-hole because if not for him, there wouldn't be the kids

Her: right, although he was a cruel bastard, I never hated anyone like I hated him

Me: bullshit 🤨

Her: chuckle

Me: I'm just saying, I can't regret starting because without starting(s) then I wouldn't get the kids in the during(s)

Her: right

Me: so starting(s) are good

Her: I see

Me: and durings are okay, some good stuff happens during 

Her: right

Me: so it's just the endings mostly - I should have spent time with Mark at The End, I'll always regret not doing that

Her: yea but you always think stuff like that after somebody dies so 🤷🏻‍♀️

Me: I should have murdered A-hole

Her: definitely!, a fork right to his balls

Us: gigglegiggle

Me: I don't think that's fatal

Her: not right away

Us: hahahahaha

Me: And as for Aaron..

Her: it was all good

Us: HAHAHAHAHA

Her: 

Me: not allll of it but

Us: gigglegiggle gigglegigglegggle

Her: you had so much fun

Me: you can't even imagine

Her: I heard it through the wall, every night!, every day!

Us: HAHAHAHAHA 

Her: remember when he got Marilyn Monroe? 

Us: (we both do the pose) HAAAHAHAHA 🤣🤣

Her: god, he was funny

Me: he was

Her: and so cute

Me: the gap 

Us: giggggggggggle

Her: I'll never forget him showing me the tattoo on his ass

Me: that was pretty crazy

Her: how could you make that cute ass better?! you thought of a way!! 🤭

Us: Hahaha HAHAHAHA

Me: I should have given him the hug goodbye, but otherwise 

Her: worth it.

Me: totally.  

Us: (rocking)

Me: so to review, STARTINGS are good overall, DURINGS can be okay...

Her: and this is a DURING now

Me: yes, and we can't keep holding it against Nebraska that he's not a Trainwreck

Her: or Greek

Us: GIGGGGGLE 🤭🤭

Me: if it comes through, Nebraska will offer me a new Starting, here during his During

Her: 🤔 I see 

Me: I think I actually want to go work in Omaha for a spell 🤔

Us: (rocking)

chris stapleton - trying to untangle my mind 4 more days 

#cottagelifeMary

Play me a song? Fergie - Big Girls Don't Cry 

Well, they do cry when they're so angry that ragetears fly out their nipples 🤨 

I've stopped crying, but the fire is just banked.