Alexander - Truth VIRGO Whatever happened before, leave it in the land of before. Future-you is still to be determined. You're the determiner. You will be what you make of yourself.

My family arrives today. Sister, mother...I love them and it will be nice to see them. But it won't be nice to be seen by them. To myself I am myself, in my own skin. But reflected back at me in their eyes, I am sure I look terrible, a failure and alone and sad.

I set my blog to 365 days visible, so I could look at each year as a snapshot totality. There is a lot of repetition. Variations on a same theme.

VIRGO Remember when you got some long, consecutive, non-interrupted time chunks to organize your life around? Boy, that does seem like a thing of the past now, but don't worry, it will also be a thing of the future. 



Uhhh ya. I always get realllllly organized around sexual frustration. And sabbaticals. Let's hope for the latter shall we?

VIRGO Your best intentions, well, that counts for something even when intentions aren't enough to get the outcome you were hoping for. However it works out for you today, it can still lead somewhere good.

 (It is what it is.)

VIRGO A partnership that drains you is defeating the very purpose of partnership. Partnerships should contribute to your sense of well-being. Go get a partner who shares your goals and complements your skills.

VIRGO A partnership that drains you is defeating the very purpose of partnership. Partnerships should contribute to your sense of well-being...

I liked hurting girls. 

Mentally, not physically, I never hit a girl in my life. Well, once.

The thing is, I got off on it. I really enjoyed it. It’s like when you hear serial killers say they feel no regret, no remorse for all the people they killed. I was like that. Loved it. I didn’t care how long it took either, because I was in no hurry. I’d wait until they were totally in love with me. Till the big saucer eyes were looking at me. I loved the shock on their faces. Then the glaze as they tried to hide how much I was hurting them. And it was legal. I think I killed a few of them. Their souls, I mean. It was their souls I was after. 

But don’t worry, I got my comeuppance.~The Oxygen Thief

Ask yourself a lot of questions, accept reality, don't close your eyes to the truth.

VIRGO The avoidance of worry is a form of worry. It's a struggle to avoid struggle and a pain to avoid pain. In light of this, avoid avoidance altogether. Take life head-on, at face value. Forward march!

VIRGO It's mighty fine when the game is good enough on its own, but that won't always be the case. When it's not, you have to BE the fun. What you bring to the table will make the intolerable thing tolerable.

Bonus track: Snort. 

We must risk delight.
We must have the stubbornness to accept our gladness
In the ruthless furnace of this world.
~Jack Gilbert

(Who is we? And where can I find them?)

Welcome to Your Life - Grouplove

One must move on.

Lonely.

Picturing Love - July Talk

Fuck. She was fine a fucking minute ago! Damn.

Tonight was orchestra for TJ. The last kid in the nest. His father showed up and sat next to me, the empty chair and all so finefine. His nameless eternal hostility toward me seeped sideways through my skin - what is that?? Was always there, who knows, I found it potentially sexy once but godnonopenopenope. I left at the break after TJ's part.

When TJ got home, first thing he asked about was Aaron. His current chest cold and his dog. I took a deep breath. Said Aaron has a new Whatever again, so I am irritated and trying not to count on seeing him much but ok I will ask about the dog if (when) he surfaces. TJ, knowing what to do with disappointment and pain, gets funny. "Has he got a new south buffalo 90's prom queen runner up?" Sigh. "Tiffanny Lin (you have to spell it wrong to make it stick)?" Sigh, ya, something like that. "A Samanthony?" gigglegigglegigle omg Samanthony. Slayed me. Hahahaha

Samhain. Thank you to all the nasty women in my blood. So many and so necessarily tough as fuck or we wouldn't be here still. Help me, if you will, guide me forward. The world is melting. I am worried not only for our own children but for everyone's. I worry all the time. ALL THE FUCKING TIME, I worry. I worry for our thoughts, our MINDS most of all, collectively shrunk to hostile grasping need of dinner and fear. Who can think let alone read books in the face of that? I worry about our desires, marginalized and made brutal as a result. Who can afford to love on anyone anymore honestly, without shame? I worry about money, so much worry about money always all the time. I was hemmed in by cultural ignorance and poverty. Those were surmountable. Now the generation of my kids and students are hemmed in by education defined by skills that have planned obsolesce built in, and debt debt debt which is poverty prostituted forever. Who can serve anything but their immediate needs, selfish essentially in the face of that desperocity? I am one of the lucky. I got up and out. No one owns me. And I can afford to educate and keep and feed my own. On this Samhain, I invoke and entreat my dead peeps: help me know what best to do with what I have, this privilege in this place and time, for myself and the greatest good. S.M.I.B.

VIRGO Your verbal acumen might make its way into costume form with a punny suit-up. It's fun to figure out how you might embody the Whip and Nae Nae or Jon Snow White.

nasty

I remember. I used to drive back and forth to WI frequently and when I did I would look at every off ramp and wonder what it would be like to just get off and start a life as if mid step, like jumping into double Dutch, as if I had always been someone else.

I keep thinking about that. But in reverse. What if I jumped into my own life as if I were someone else? Someone who knew exactly what to make of it.

wintersleep - the great detachment (spirit)

The square of Venus and Neptune is an opportunity. On the surface this can be like a dark cloud passing over your dreams, obscuring your original idea and dampening your drive. But there's a silver lining that could reignite your drive, too. It's the obstacle that makes you realize how badly you really want it, or don't, as the case may be.

 Bonus track  I love the one about hair conditioner.

"We know what the world wants from us. We know we must decide whether to stay small, quiet, and uncomplicated or allow ourselves to grow as big, loud, and complex as we were made to be. Every girl must decide whether to be true to herself or true to the world. Every girl must decide whether to settle for adoration or fight for love. There on the bed..."- Love Warrior: A Memoir, Glennon Doyle Melton

My hometown. I wonder if Mark is still lingering, watching and shaking his head. WI must be real shit show right about now.

Meanwhile speaking of places and spaces and ways that are better off in rearview, I gotta get the hang.

This time kept the toys.

VIRGO As for a certain relationship: Your options are to go on, or to stop. Sometimes you can go on and stop at the same time, which is what you're doing when you don't make a clear choice.