the worry about him sits like a hot stone right on my ribcage. I am feeling it now because I am too weak not to because I spent all my weaponized fine on sunshine today and I have none left. 

Weaponized fine. sounds like a potential chapter title, doesn't it? it's when you have to be always fucking fine to the point that you are nuclear fucking fine. I'm so fine, it'd make your head spin.  since approximately that obit search which we'll repeat tomorrow night when Ears comes over for dinner inevitably.

welp. if the goal was to discourage me from wanting to fuck him ever, that has been accomplished. which only proves it didn't really have much to do with that in the first place since that doesn't do anything to remove this stone of worry. 

I am flummoxed by man's inability to see women as whole things. there's always a just before the word girl. I would bet my life that he would not let joe worry because he has not fucked Joe and that is just a fucking cunt hair off from a woman in that dude's case 🤨 and yet. 

I should text that dude and see if he's worried. if he ain't worried then definitely there's nothing to worry about, he's just treating me like a girl. but I can't do that. can't or won't. won't.

sunshine says I'm a sucker. "if they's blocking you, they just on a bender, that's all" 

I don't think the word just belongs before the word drinking any more than it belongs before the word girl in his case. 

he has stressed to me over and over that he is hanging by a thread over Dead - that isn't me being hysterical, that's him telling me that and demanding that I believe him

now I feel forced to have the thought experiment that I've outlived him. 

I am trying to figure out how in the world this hot heavy stone on my chest could be a good thing because I'm stuck with it and I don't want to feel anything I don't want to feel which is like this. maybe I could learn to think of it like a cat, no claws unless I try to move it so I leave it alone (?)

I dunno what to do or think or feel about anything except dying is bad let's try to avoid it - that's it - and even that now I gotta be like "or not, cool either way"

I hate to admit defeat but 

I'm scared. leaving me nbd he always does that 🙄. leaving me alive = leaving me for dead. that's different