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| card of the day, doesn't usually mean physical death, it means "over it", an end to something, like a situation or dynamic. such as no more worry - assume the other is alive and well, and judge their behavior the same way you would anyone else's (for instance) |
My world regarding one important complex person has been reduced to a pinprick of yes/no. alive?/dead? I can't stay that small gracefully. Turns me into a monosyllabic 😳 scaredy cat.
I can't tip-toe. I can stomp. Stepping in the shit. Unafraid of it.
I have been bursting at the mental seams with a hell of a lot of my IQ withering inside that tiny yes/no daily format. Idling, frustrated, talking about the weather. (Am I back in Kansas?) And getting a lot out of it, in a way, so stymied that I've had to invent a form of writing that's evolving into a little writers club. I started a business. Therapy sessions going deep. All good. But. He's just living with a chronic disease like about half the people I know, kids and adults alike. That is a Thing, I'm not saying it isn't, but that's all it is.
(And shittily married / shitty exes also, half the people I know. Kid shit weighing heavy on you, everyone who has any kids has that in some form. Ready, set, one of your parents is gonna die any second fyi and if it's my mother we're screwed...)
Life gets rough and we made (make) it rougher. We broke. People do that. "Rub some dirt on it," as Tbone would say.
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| "how to collapse" |
