Wow I am sure glad I waited til I could sit alone on his couch and listen to that. Until after I had had every thought experiment I could think of, such as: What if he sobers up, that'll come with some form of psych support, someone like mine (not an idiot this time), so he decides marriage counseling is worth a try? Okay. Whatever he wants and needs to be a healthy happy man, that is my desire. It's the same answer no matter what thought experiment question I put to it: Yes. I mean, some yesses make me feel some kinda things, and I was following my sniffer to the source of Want, wanting to Want, and kinda tripped over him with my nose to the ground, and instinctively wagged my tail (unapologetically shamelessly, I would add, because shameless is a healthful feeling in many contexts, such as when seeking help - shameless is underrated imo), but he's hurt bad too, and that makes me feel a whole range of things, capable of that range of feelings, because the core is as my mother harpooned it (🙄): I love him. It is impossible for me to risk "doing that again." That's why I am not worried about it. It has just been true now for maannny years, together and apart, often just plain too busy to actively think about him at all. It just is. And we are going to be alright. And one reason why we are going to be alright is that we have each other in our lives again, one wound healed/healing now, whatever that looks like. As long as it's Alive. Really fully Alive. I can ❤️ it.
This is one of those posts that I would unblog in a heartbeat hahaha totally, but, it's those sloppy wet kiss posts that I am like 'god this writing is terrible and I shouldn't put this/that in writing at all' that kick up Alive dust. So fuck it, I'll walk around nakedly honest for a spell.
