Back to realities.
I am buying a house before labor day, then selling one 30 days later apx, broke as a joke between with a ton of repairs to manage and finance. Yesterday was day 1 of "the closing areas", the banking voodoo phase, so so many forms.
I said house, not home. Making HOME is a whole different kind of magic.
I have landed (hard) in various ways on a group of friends who have taken me in like a ward of their state(s). My reator friend, KQ, is now a life-longer for sure. Now that she has seen it ALL, she understands why I got so skinny. Sometimes that's what is needed more than anything, to be SEEN. She offered to help with the little ones if they have to come to me for a while. She's licensed foster-to-adopt so is part of a network of people our age raising Littles like she is.
As all this starts to be WHEN for me now, the moving the money the worry the want, I get little bracing waves of humility and gratitude toward the people helping me, going out of their way not just to answer a cry for help bc I don't know how to, and they know that, so they just show up and show up and show up. I am used to being Fine, I don't need anything (!!). But you can't be your own hero. That's what these hands to hold are reminding me. If you were your own hero all the time, you'd be a douche (like so many surgeons). Rescue (little r's adding up) is a pass-it-along exchange economy. Like microaggressions reversed.
Inevitabilities that rely heavily on others, that I would not or could not have set in motion without trustfalling at folks:
- I will live have shelter.
- I will move a ton of shit, lotsa books and boots.
- I will give away a home, couches and tables and desks and a safe (opened by Nebraska unbeknownst to me until I fetched the bear mace and found the shotgun dismantled into pieces in a heap, I suppose to make me feel stupid and defenseless)
- I will teach 2 classes starting next week, one of which will be mostly covered by another friend
And I have no idea how the physical moving gets done and by whom. I haven't packed one box yet. I am just falling into tomorrow facefirst, not even trying to break my fall, full on damsel for now. #existential#slapstick
For a creative outlet, I started making a playlist for jumping off cliffs. Mood music. Between jumping and landing, there are a LOT of moods in a fall.
motel room - bob sumner the dancing mustaches cheer me
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| a single day back to it |
