"Sometimes life takes hold of one, carries the body along, accomplishes one's history, and yet is not real, but leaves oneself as it were slurred over." D.H. Lawerence, Sons and LoversI met with my new shrink today. She says, "I have the sense that you have extremely little ability to protect yourself from feeling other people's feelings, and that's why you don't like to have them around."
My grandmother used to say, "I know you love me, but try to fight it." It's good to be loved and all, but sometimes it's just too hard to breathe around, especially when it gets all torqued and comes out as fury or grief, and then what are you supposed to do, to say? You can't articulate when you can't fucking breathe, can you? Then I chase everyone off and lie down, just breathing, silently weeping with the breath that allows for that much. Wondering if there is ever going to be balance again. Wondering if only in loneliness will I ever have so much I wish I could say, while in love all I can do is put my hands over my head and cower until it's over.
