negotialgia - the feeling of obligation to get out of a bed warmed by beloved pets to face a workly cold day full of draining human relationships

I want a new adventure. I want you to wish that for me. if it Was my lAst day On eaRth

🤯 

 The good old days.

pandemic scrapbooking

 

"I want to forget this year, but I'm also afraid I won't remember this year." Louise Erdrich, The Sentence.

A couple emails on the same upsetting subject, one of those ghastly town halls on zoom, a typical day, I stood to take a break and threw up, and it felt like this year, it *was this time*. I threw up time. Another year of it. Behind and in front of is. I wretched and wretched and wretched.

Then I got into bed with the best medicine I have, my dogs and Louise Erdrich. I read about dogs who take death for their humans, who hold souls against the roofs of their mouths unbarking to keep them safe. Dball barks at everything, and I petted him. Ok, I'll be the dog, I said to him (he's my witness). I'll take the bullet for the baby. Then I cried a long time and said I'm sorry to everyone I've wronged, all my good intentions. I am sorry. And I won't bark.

I read a book once that started with the heroine getting run over by a car. As she faded, she realized the she loved her life, a life she had just been cursing out as she crossed the street. She wanted it, after all.

I don't remember what book it was. But I remember that part of it. I think of it nearly every day. (I might have blogged about it before in another dark time)

I love my life. Remember that, I tell myself. As I feel  fuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckfuckfuckthissucksfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisbullshitfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitkissmyfatassfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammititfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammititfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammititfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammititfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammititfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfed

T bone is still amazingly alive despite all efforts to kill himself by swagger and 360 degree resistence to every body. I know he's suffering, alone, thinking probably something like "I love my life / fancy like"

f😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖u😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖c😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖k

how to entertain a bedridden manchild with a phone 

well, *I* am entertained at least

and I was entertained today by lewdle, also, which I guessed right finally but I had to look it up ("bussy"), a google search which took me to an engagement ring store via a pop up, the same one, so apparently google thinks the internet activity evidence that I'm presenting of my dad being in the hospital means something very different 🤷‍♀️🤣🤦‍♀️

#dumbgoogle

Update: he is being such an acute asshole that they're sending him home 2/5 alllll betttter lol #hispoornurses

"disco ball inside"

 

elle king - the let go

 "right sized" life

Bonus - TURN THAT UP

My first card pull - what are the odds?

 

watching the bird feeder

 

sleepovuhr

 

I should copywrite that shit.

songs of disappearance  

bonus - scientists have discovered the dolphin clitoris, which appears to be the size of a loaf of bread - how'd they miss it this whole time? 

#clitorisbias

I have no memory of writing this. It was just sitting on my clipboard. 

I'm trying to remember when my mother became to me a shore to swim to, her judgement a beach on which to land 🤔 bc I am so very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very so tired. So ALONE and. Tired.

My mother still to this day hrrmphs about KELLIAND, Kelli and "the other one", despite my assuring her that nobody cares 🙄

How did we not expect a trans dog? 🙄😖 who would (rightfully) accuse me of living in chores.

But if I stop doing the chores, like throwing off chains whatever, then what??? Please do. Tell me who supplies the sprouted rice then?

Or to whom I wrote it. Hopefully nobody. "very so tired", oye 🙄

Django is trans, by the way (she/her/hers). Why would I think that's worth writing about?

Then again, I wish I was reading a novel with a central trans dog character. (I miss Shit Turd.)

I really have to stop drinking. Now that Nebraska and my mother have left and I am alone again, I can just stop buying wine. But thoughtfully they left two bottles of champagne behind, so. Not stopping today hahahaha 

Cz everything and everyone has gone completely insane. I drink to cope. I'm just dumbfounded. If I am present, as in sober mindedly reflecting upon the world, then I am dumbfounded by the rampant insanity. Human beings. I mean. I love my kids so I can't want humans to go extinct. But they really should, we really should. Die off. We are misengineered, clearly. We cannot be isolated from one another or we go crazy, and we always drive each other crazy, so. Humanity is a dirt floor, there is no way to fix it up. And that fact makes all our efforts to fill our time productively look INSANE to me now. I mean, you can't kill your patients, right?, but no, even a rule as basic as that isn't going to fly, and every hour of every day presents further proof that we are just fucked in the head. 

Like, why the hell are 34 of us congregating on ice in the first place today? Because we are insane, that's why. And horrible.

And the sun is going down as I write this. At about 230 p.m. goddamit 😖 

In the face of all this, my mother's way is right: ignore it and paint. That is definitely a better idea than drink wine and read aloud to your dog, to whom you also say "I love you" out loud at least 100 times a day. If I blogged all the photos I take of Dball, which I take so I can look at him while simultaneously holding him, it would be clear: I have gone INSANE. 

I wait for him to yawn so I can adore his spotted tongue. #pandemicloveaffair

My mother, putting finishing touches on her latest mural, gives me life advice: "Gine!, remember Jackie Kennedy!, she surrounded herself with beauty!, that's how she survived all the bad days!" 

I thought there was a Greek billionaire in there somewhere, either one of which (a billionaire or a Greek) would improve one's mood presumably, but I take mom's point. I could spend my time more pleasurably - even painting a pointless chicken would be an improvement. 

Then we watched this. And again, my mother's wisdom: "See?! How cute is he?!" Meaning: a very fuckable dude with a green thumb might cross your path on any given day to look at and think how cute is he?!, so you should always savor life. 

So there. 

My xmas present from Nebraska, which he went out to buy yesterday, after my mother noted that I was wearing my sapphires, and asked in front of him  "someone gave you those?", though she knew damn well that Aaron gave them to me on our first xmas, and she knew damn well that's why I was wearing them, like ha hem you gave me a book?! wtf  The Girlz then drove the dagger in further by giving me an eye to stare at the sapphire with. 

In fairness, I do like tools. And Nebraska put the fireplace together and hung the mirror while I drank sparkling rose. And drove here from Nebraska. Through WI to fetch mom. After I took his head off. Which I regularly do. Bite his head right off.  #pandemiccrabby

shut the fuck up chicken  

I have watched that chicken video umpteeeeeeen times😂

xmas present to myself  ft. no chicken is pointless 

 

I woke one morning looking down on my body where I lay in bed. I weighed where I’d come from, my cast of mind, the sum of my failings and capabilities, and I knew what I wanted to do. 

Bewilderment is such a great word.

May all sentient beings be free from needless suffering.

A good human rule of thumb 👍🏼

 

 

  “I don’t want to live the wrong life and then die.” 

 it means STRONG in Morse code

"The breaking of so great a thing should make a greater crack."~ WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE, Antony and Cleopatra

butterknife

Nebraska is driving to WI to fetch She Who Is My Mother and bringing her to me. Because I need my mommy because I am losing my mind because it is Christmas without lights × pandemic / slowburn life crisis. 

Thank. God.

My mother has no money and no practical skills at all unless you count passive aggression and painting flowers on anything and everything, but she brings me Love and Understanding. 

losing my mind photo essay

head explodi

ng emoji

update: another insomnia thought: why/how did I stop enjoying the fact that I can do whatever I want (?)...

So I grubhubbed an egg mcmuffin meal to eat in bed because I can. 

styx - too much tine on my hands (high rec retro)

Bonus - wtf that big girl can do it and I just wind up hitting myself in the face uncoordinated af 🤯🤣

he doesn't judge 

against the odds

Brad Sucks - All Right Now 

New shit, 2021. And not bad. 

what I am worried about

Being depressed and not being able to distinguish that from unhappiness and having to just have faith that that will resolve somehow someway bc I can't DO ANYTHING except tread water harder getting nowhere but stillalive. Not wanting to talk to anyone and having to do so anyway, all the time, about as little as possible because I can't tell anyone anyrealthing. Then all the practical things like housing and food costs and winding up in my kids' scathing memoirs. Cancer. Climate catastrophe. That I can smell the pea soup burning but can't care enough to go turn it down, that'll bite me in the ass in a couple hours ... it's kind of an EVERYTHING could use a un-sucky make-over which would be okay if I felt like I could ACCOMPLISH THAT but I cant, I don't know how. Hence I am crying since I'm not good at being lousy at life without a clue, it's a bitter pill to have to swallow, I'm just suddenly lousy-at-life, god what a shitty lifestage, like a mid-life extended pre-eulogy inner monologue nonstop 😖

My problem is not the pandemic. It is that the pandemic traps me inside with my self. If I had a better self, I'd be fine.

Is there a good song for that?

there but for the grace of God

70 mph wind warning playlist

Update

Lizzo's "tiny ass desk"  

Elle King and Miranda Something - Drunk

Walker Hayes - AA

The wind is moving fast n furious. I ain't moving at all.