I have no memory of writing this. It was just sitting on my clipboard.
I'm trying to remember when my mother became to me a shore to swim to, her judgement a beach on which to land 🤔 bc I am so very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very so tired. So ALONE and. Tired.
My mother still to this day hrrmphs about KELLIAND, Kelli and "the other one", despite my assuring her that nobody cares 🙄
How did we not expect a trans dog? 🙄😖 who would (rightfully) accuse me of living in chores.
But if I stop doing the chores, like throwing off chains whatever, then what??? Please do. Tell me who supplies the sprouted rice then?
Or to whom I wrote it. Hopefully nobody. "very so tired", oye 🙄Django is trans, by the way (she/her/hers). Why would I think that's worth writing about?
Then again, I wish I was reading a novel with a central trans dog character. (I miss Shit Turd.)
I really have to stop drinking. Now that Nebraska and my mother have left and I am alone again, I can just stop buying wine. But thoughtfully they left two bottles of champagne behind, so. Not stopping today hahahaha
Cz everything and everyone has gone completely insane. I drink to cope. I'm just dumbfounded. If I am present, as in sober mindedly reflecting upon the world, then I am dumbfounded by the rampant insanity. Human beings. I mean. I love my kids so I can't want humans to go extinct. But they really should, we really should. Die off. We are misengineered, clearly. We cannot be isolated from one another or we go crazy, and we always drive each other crazy, so. Humanity is a dirt floor, there is no way to fix it up. And that fact makes all our efforts to fill our time productively look INSANE to me now. I mean, you can't kill your patients, right?, but no, even a rule as basic as that isn't going to fly, and every hour of every day presents further proof that we are just fucked in the head.
Like, why the hell are 34 of us congregating on ice in the first place today? Because we are insane, that's why. And horrible.
And the sun is going down as I write this. At about 230 p.m. goddamit 😖
In the face of all this, my mother's way is right: ignore it and paint. That is definitely a better idea than drink wine and read aloud to your dog, to whom you also say "I love you" out loud at least 100 times a day. If I blogged all the photos I take of Dball, which I take so I can look at him while simultaneously holding him, it would be clear: I have gone INSANE.
I wait for him to yawn so I can adore his spotted tongue. #pandemicloveaffair
My mother, putting finishing touches on her latest mural, gives me life advice: "Gine!, remember Jackie Kennedy!, she surrounded herself with beauty!, that's how she survived all the bad days!"
I thought there was a Greek billionaire in there somewhere, either one of which (a billionaire or a Greek) would improve one's mood presumably, but I take mom's point. I could spend my time more pleasurably - even painting a pointless chicken would be an improvement.
Then we watched this. And again, my mother's wisdom: "See?! How cute is he?!" Meaning: a very fuckable dude with a green thumb might cross your path on any given day to look at and think how cute is he?!, so you should always savor life.
So there.
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My xmas present from Nebraska, which he went out to buy yesterday, after my mother noted that I was wearing my sapphires, and asked in front of him "someone gave you those?", though she knew damn well that Aaron gave them to me on our first xmas, and she knew damn well that's why I was wearing them, like ha hem you gave me a book?! wtf The Girlz then drove the dagger in further by giving me an eye to stare at the sapphire with.  |
