"I want to forget this year, but I'm also afraid I won't remember this year." Louise Erdrich, The Sentence.
A couple emails on the same upsetting subject, one of those ghastly town halls on zoom, a typical day, I stood to take a break and threw up, and it felt like this year, it *was this time*. I threw up time. Another year of it. Behind and in front of is. I wretched and wretched and wretched.
Then I got into bed with the best medicine I have, my dogs and Louise Erdrich. I read about dogs who take death for their humans, who hold souls against the roofs of their mouths unbarking to keep them safe. Dball barks at everything, and I petted him. Ok, I'll be the dog, I said to him (he's my witness). I'll take the bullet for the baby. Then I cried a long time and said I'm sorry to everyone I've wronged, all my good intentions. I am sorry. And I won't bark.
