neil diamond - traveling salvation show

I not feel how I should or want to feel.

My phone buzzes for the billionth time. I sigh, irked. Every one tells me to enjoy it, I deserve nice things blabla. TJ and are making meatballs. The phones brrbrrs again, I ignore it. He says, it's sexist, you know that right? What is? I know it's presented as constant affirmations of you, but it's sexist for a man to presume he has a right to a woman's attention. 🤔

Careless Whisper - A Misko (acoustic)

single woman holiday musings

I am lying on my bed watching Stav - his eplosive Greek giggle at his own jokes charms me. Nebraska is in Nebraska, which suits me just fine. It STILL occurs to me, every holiday, that I DO NOT HAVE TO GO ANYWHERE OR DEAL WITH A MOTHER IN LAW yay.

I can't imagine telling Nebraska about this blog. I can't imagine a lot of things in the category of happily ever after anymore. He can. He tells me every day how happy he is, how much he adores me, how much he wants to pamper me and care for me, how much he is looking forward to the rest of his life now that he has met me.

:/

I really wish he would stop talking. I'm just like, uh huh well um I guess you could buy me jewelry and stuff, trying to shut him up / cool him off. But it has the opposite effect. He's making noises about engagement rings and I'm just like omg dude that would have to be a rock so big I could barely lift my hand (followed by the longest engagement in history). And he is just like, I KNOW!

I run a lot of miles to twerkclass music. Black girls singing about jewelry. "I'll have you spending all you got lalalaaa" type stuff. Worldview: my phat ass is worth whatever you got just to touch it. And when I roll with that attitude, you'd think that'd be offputting, but nooope. Men want to be owned.

But I branded a man once, and that didn't turn out so great. It did lead to really great sex, though. Hmm 🤔

So that's the recipe maybe (?) =  I don't give a shit about your mama, I don't pack your lunch, I just demand jewelry and velvet dresses and orgasms. And I keep getting that.

My dominatrix name: Mistress Armscrossy. (lol)

Heteronormativity just isn't my strong suit.

my next writing project

Working title: "20 is the new 2: Putting kids through college while they continue to disrupt your sleep, force you to watch shit tv shows, cramp your sex life, give you the flu, refuse to eat their dinners, stink up your bathroom, barf regularly, and every other thing you imagined one day being free of (while you were still young enough to enjoy it)."

Table of contents (draft):

"What's for dinner?" - and other things they ALWAYS say when they're NOT SPEAKING TO YOU

"THEY - same pain in the ass in every gender"

"I broke my phone", classic texts after ignoring your texts for days

"I might have fucked up", classic texts before ignoring your texts for days

"Dad is okay with it", invoking the parent who doesn't have to live with their shit

"Stealing your pot and other no win situations"

"Stealing your vibrator batteries for the Xbox controller and other no win situations"

"We're out of beer", unhelpful texts from your yet-to-turn-21 little darling, as you drive home from long days at work

"Careful or you'll end up in my novel" and other passive aggressive highlights from their t-shirt collections

"Ok boomer" and other nonsensical insults at Gen-X parents

"I'm going to be a lawyer" and other expensive-tuition live-at-home-forever threats (bonus annoyance points if from your C-student)

"Meet my boygirltheyfriend, with whom I just broke up in the driveway, Merry Christmas"

"You're lucky I'm not a teenaged parent LIKE YOU WERE", and other charming rhetorical strategies

"You're turning into grandma",
 - shit they say when they want to force you to turn the radio from NPR to CumTown in the car

"We're out of toilet paper" - shit they say all the time that proves they literally couldn't wipe their own ass without you, and other ironies

winter soltice gift

living in the past - witch Bubblebubble toil and trouble. What is it you are ready to let go of and leave in the dark? Think of it and scratch yourself on a furry batch like ahhh of relief. I'll try to help on my end in my little way.

SMIB

something about a truck


I love hate my job. Love hate my boyfriend. Love hate the degree to which my kids are up my ass. I feel grateful and exasperated, capable and annoyed, nestled and trapped. I couldn't get any more crazyfeeling short of turning into a Gemini. 

Murder she wrote - Chaka demus ft pliers

love me right - twerk-squats class

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VIRGO. Emotional events are events. Even if they only happen inside you, they are happening. An unresolved state of being is like a storm, unpredictable and potentially destructive. It is your duty to tend to your feelings.

my spirit animal

"pawg"

I bought a holiday sale package of exercise dance classes at the blackladyowned studio around the corner. A little humiliation and a lot of sweaty effort followed by pain that I don't sufficiently regret not to do it again = I love it. (Sigh, indeed.)

Twerk-squats playlist
Mamacita - Santana, yg, tyga
Give it to me right or don't give it to me at all - Melanie fiona

I miss Paris. I mean I miss WORDS in that space, a text box not talking on the phone (ugh) or touching me. And music. A way for me to relate to anyone died when Paris died.

Alone. Quiet. Thinking. I shouldn't have drunk so much in NOLA. But he should have not. I know I started probably. So I felt in control of it. Then again, affirmative consent was not possible. Then again, then again. I did want to kiss him. But. Here is the thing that sticks in my craw: when it was he who was shitfaced once upon a time and allll over me, I tucked him in harmless as a lamb. No bruises. Something in me, in the relative safety of far from home deniability, wanted to test to see if that would go the other way.

Nope.

Men never can pledge allegiance to a womanfriend. Not really.

Can they?

I am thinking about it all. Men. The last months, almost a year now, my trying to Move On. Here is what I have learned: I don't like being backed into corners, pushed or controlled, made to compromise or attend, bullied, bruised, squelched. And I will seek that very thing out in order to lash out at it. I keep pushing it and pushing it, shoving, headbutting. Biting. Like a tick bite. And I have nobody to tell any of this to because my 'partner' is the exact person I could never tell anything that hurts.

(So that is how that feels...)

Yoga

zweat

Week of November 28th, 2019

♍ VIRGO

 (August 23-September 22)

In the follow-up story to Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, our heroine uses a magic mirror as a portal into a fantastical land. There she encounters the Red Queen, and soon the two of them are holding hands as they run as fast as they can. Alice notices that despite their great effort, they don't seem to be moving forward. What's happening? The Queen clears up the mystery: In her realm, you must run as hard as possible just to remain in the same spot. Sound familiar, Virgo? I'm wondering whether you've had a similar experience lately. If so, here's my advice: Stop running. Sit back, relax, and allow the world to zoom by you. Yes, you might temporarily fall behind. But in the meantime, you'll get fully recharged. No more than three weeks from now, you'll be so energized that you'll make up for all the lost time—and more.

NA$A-$

Lizzo-truth hurts
A$ et al - WAM
7000 cafe - AlexxBritton
Girl talk - let it out
Father John - I'm writing a novel
Dance monkey - tones and I
Iggy azalea - wanna
Brazilian Girls - don't stop (!)
Missy E - WORK IT and Throw it back
Janet - way love goes  (cool it)
Lana del Rey- doin time

Cool 👿

Play me a song


Yup. I can't do this. I don't think I can do this...

Him: blabla our former student something something American Studies bla
Me: our who?
Him: ex-wife blabla anyway she's in Honolulu at the archives I had no idea blabla so we're having dinner while I'm there
Me: how did you find out she was in the archive? (Weren't you supposed to be going to that archive??)
Him: Facebook. She posted a pic and I thought that's UH archive so I messaged her blablabla
Me: (not listening anymore)

Facebook, the forever home of perpetual scoundrels.

"sweat equity"

War on Drugs - Under the Pressure

On this darkest and most mysterious day of the season, it will be most fortuitous to send a sort of spell into the ether about what you intend, wish and believe you can make happen in the weeks to come. Do you dare stretch your faith into a future where what you want is already yours? Declare it. Reach your hand into the dark and claim it.

a Selfish spell ~ Health + Wealth

prep work, witch garden harvest, consolidate resources + bury bad habits, sacrificing alcohol entirely and the names of that which saps my energy. it's a good time of year to find a small coffin to bury under a black moon, a dawn rose climber planted on top as the moon slivers anew. I put a reflective energy trellis behind it, mirrors to catch moon and dawn light, and a good repurpose of an object I remember buying to protect my bed when I'd been hurt, on which I still sleep but a king size is in my future

Loneliness is very strange. If you think about it. By definition, there is nothing there to be having a feeling about.

I feel for you - Prince (vault acoustic)

Anxiety is strange.

My skin glows, my hair coils, my guts don't ache, my nails grow thick as do my haunches. Moonlight nzls my skin.

I seethe and bare my teeth, light growling ears back. Anybody in their right mind would avoid my snapping range.

Except.

At the center is a molten river of bitter sweet.

Sound and Fury (this is badass!)