This is all going to upset my sleep patterns even more. I am awake -_0 feeling the adrenaline of a million things to do.

Jasper is lying on me at every turn as if he senses change and doesn't want me to leave him behind. Not a chance buddy, love is absolute with me, I HOLD it wherever I go come what may.

Since it is quiet, I am just crunching numbers.  If all goes well, it will be a lateral move moneywise. My mortgage debt will go up but my cash out should just about match it - mortgage interest is still the major tax break for someone like me so higher debt in that category makes sense as long as for peace of mind I have several years of mortgage payments stashed just in case of...um, just in case of what I dunno cz I am a vested teacher so not rich at all but safe. Like the Greeks, more practical than greedy. And moving now means come my sabbatical this is all settled, the payments on autopay from the stash. Home base being back by my old red house in the former Little Greece blocks, but I can still go/be anywhere.

Omg moving itself, however, is gonna be back breaking. Oyyyy siiiigh.

I paid ahead of time for a home inspection so my offer could waive the right to it, a $400 longshot bet. That won it. There were offers for more $, but I gave them the best terms. I bet that Greeks are more practical than greedy. And I was right.

Need will light a fire under your ass. If you need food, you will forage. Want is more delicate than Need. Harder to identify, let alone sustain and pursue. I don't Need anything. I have been depressed, struggling with feeling just miserabley old. In a perfectly okay life, my job isn't coal mining, my family is great. Nothing wrong. But I just feel dulled and dusty. Depressed. Ya feel that way for too long, it starts to feel like dying by inches.

I got to feel like myself again this week. A person who knows how to go after what she Wants. That is what I Needed.

 back to Kansas (Parkside)

Men and houses both cost way more over time than the sticker price. The house MIGHT be worth it.

At least one of the Greeks thinks I am his future wife. Whoa man. Not much happens on the relationship front in my life. I do not seek out new men, at all. And when someone tries to flirt with me, it reminds me of the past. So, for instance, it strikes me as funny and sad what a cheater must feel when someone comes on to them hardcore 'I can't stop thinking about you' type shit. Cz who can they tell or talk to? Like, 'omg the shit he said about my eyes' or whatever. Ya know? I guess Trainwreck told his mother, chittering behind my (his best friend's) back. If you had ever loved a cheater, you would understand. Every romantic interlude makes you think something about them like that. 'I wouldn't be here if you hadn't betrayed me'. Like memory mind poison.

And tonight it struck me too: that must be how John feels about me. I remind him. So. I musta made him miserable. (I'm sorry.)

In response to my thank you note to the Greek roofer, I got back "You're welcome - you have a good taste in a house it is a beautiful house" and I got horny reading it. gigglegiggle. I am not sure if that is because his slight accent is in the grammar (blush) or if that is a surge of housepride to my panties or what.

You can't not take a selfie in here. It is like when you try to capture it, the house also captures you. I reallllly should try not be so turned on by it, it's Greek so it will inevitably play impossible to actually get. But I can't help it. I am smitten.

The real estate agent is Greek, the house is owned by the orthodox church so says the Greek neighbor old guy who came over to gossip when he saw me there again, and he decided I am 'nice pretty'. It was built by one of a set of Greek bros who built most of the neighborhood which used to be called 'little Greece' in the 40s when the Greek bros who owned all the theaters threw big hollywood parties there. There is a huge old theater poster inside w them in portrait from then. The old guy says the weird boothseat built in the kitchen is from some old movie wherein Marlene Dietrich kissed someone or other, given as a souvenier to this illustrious Greek family, all dead now. The Greek roofers offered to fix the roof and be paid later to make the mortgage easier to get, cz we have history together now and all. Then the agent offered to drive all the way here to get my offer, 'I want to see you again' (blush). On my way there today I noticed this sign just up the road and thought it was funny. But now that I see it, I see it - it is a Greek ghost town neighborhood.

I made this a week or so ago. Taught myself how to make that delicious gyro lamb spam:

It was a kind of spell, I guess, that day-long process of compressing spices and meat and milk. It did not get me what I had in mind. I got some kind of Greek-adopted instead.

Better than Polish (they're mean).

And I am awake, putting my furniture into my new house in my head, like I did before I won the bidding war on the house I am in now.

"beauty mark"

He can't meet me early because he is doing a favor for a friend. Later when I am supposed to go back through it, he texts that he will be an hour late because he has to take his mom to the dr. Finally he shows up and we go in. Mirrors are evvvverywhere in this house, like on every figgin wall there are wallmirrors, even above the stove.

Him: sorry!, my mother blabla (about some growth on her lip yadayada)
Me: I can't get away from myself in here, every time I turn a corner there I am again jeezus
Him: must have been Greek
Me: Greeks like mirrors? 
Him: a Greek man can't walk by a mirror and not look at himself
Me: haaaaaaaaaaahahahaha that is hilarious, peacock tendencies lol
Him: I am doing it right now, see?, I can't help myself
Me: ahhhh YOU're Greeeeek now I get it, the mom thing
Him: yes, I am a helicopter son
Me: hahahahahahaha o man that is funny, and now I am noticing that your belt buckle and shoes and jacket all coordinate spiffily
Him: always! you must have Greek  experience, but you're Sicilian?
Me: yup the only bummer thing about moving back to the city is never again seeing my Greek Canadian exnotboyfriend who I already never see, except that in the friendzone he is very helpful and might show up to give me a hand with IKEA
Him: lol naturally, we are very helpful in friendzones it is true
Me: I hope so because that blown light fixture is going to need replaced asap
Him: tell him he can look at himself from any angle as he replaces it
Me: lol I will try that but it is a far drive
Him: I married a Canadian Greek girl, and she is still there, 4 hours away
Me: haaaaaaaaaaahahahaha ya, it's best to let a Greek have a lot of elbow room, like their own separate nation from yours
Him: lol I do miss my 9-year-old daughter but it is kind of worth it
Me: because no offense but wow you are not good compromisers at all
Him: fair! yea I just make the drive, I take my daughter to Lewiston a lot actually
Me: (snort) Lewiston, the demilitarized zone between Buffalo and Greece
Him: haaaaaaaaaaahahahaha it is! What do you think of the yard?
Me: my least favorite part of the house but the garage would make a great Polish porch
Him: haaaaaaaaahahahaha it would!, impressive that you know the quirks of Poland as well
Me: uh huh, quite the accomplishment, hard earned
Him: is that what you got your PhD in?
Me: haaaaaaaaaaaaahahahaha kinda!

Bonkers bidding war is gonna go down and I don't gamble much. But my undercover realtor bud creamed his jeans over it too, is pushing me to go balls to the wall, with rehab greedyiggles, "fuck, all the windows are lead! offer what it takes to get this, I am telling you it's worth it!!"  I love what is hard and worth it to love. I have an eye for it.

Weekend love horoscope VIRGO: It's the look from across a crowded room that will be remembered most. (In a mirror? That could be kinda fun [snort]..)

You would have to know about construction to know how a cathedral ceiling even fits in a brick bungalow with a bedroom above half of it and the other half goes into the attic and from the attic you look down through the floor onto the roof of the cathedral ceiling as if it is OUTSIDE. This is exactly my kinda dealio, a house built in the batshit style that will surely prompt every handyman I hire to shake his head like wtf. Other fun details include a built-in loveseat in the kitchen, bonkers pink wallpaper in every room, and the gutters are COPPER painted peeling latex pink (yes the outside is also pink everywhere) with the green patina of the copper glowing inside of them.

I don't like the yard. And no clawfoot tub. So I might not bite. But I might. I am going back through with my realtor buddy to get his sense of it. If nothing else, I wanna show somebody else who knows enough about houses to appreciate it. These are the kinds of things I do miss having a man for, a mannytype man. I just love rehab adventures.

Ah well. It does need a roof right away so if I get it, I will at least be hanging with a horde of smellynice greeks again for a week (as they shake theirs heads wtf nooo doubt lol).

I maybe have found a house in the city. I have kicked the tires of many nice houses but none of them felt like mine. I was beginning to wonder if my picker WAS broken, like I had no taste for life any more. Then the minute I saw this house, blammo. My type, a one of a kind giant pain in the butt. Yummy.

The $ of it would be crazyhard and scary, kids in school nobody to help ... But, Fuck It: I want what I want. (That works less well with people than with houses.)

We shall see, I have finite resources and the house will surely go to bidding war that I will likely lose - Unlike my taste in people, my taste in impossibly built fallingdown old brick/stone houses has a hipster cache now. Like avocado toast. But it was worth the effort to feel a desire-bloom. When Want moves through me at an object of desire, it is a stronger feeling than any other. Like a surge of 'I can really hold a thought just try me' superpower.


dorothy - medicine man

my type (sturdy)

"Yoga creates extra blood flow to the genital area resulting in increased arousal in women and increased arousal & erections in Men. It’s also to do with Pelvic floor muscles which is strengthened by Yoga Exercises. Scientists found that just 12 weeks of regular Yoga Exercise increased arousal and performance in both Men & Women by an incredible 30%"

You would have to know how much doing Bikram is my go-to for sweating off sexual frustration in an ever increasingly intense cause/effect cycle to know why I just laughed out loud at that stat in the news. That's like my cure for the munchies is going to the popcornsmell store. Snort.

This is so cool.

SOL

Down there, said the woman. She was wearing a leopard-print skirt which flapped and tossed in the wind, and the flesh between the top of her stockings and her skirt was creamy and soft and in his dream, on the bridge, before God and the world, Shadow went down to his knees in front of her, burying his head in her crotch, drinking in the intoxicating jungle female scent of her. A fragment of nonsense bubbled up from somewhere in his mind: in medieval days it was said that a woman on top during coitus would conceive a bishop. That was what they called it: trying for a bishop…Let it happen, she said, her voice a throaty feline growl. Give it to me. Let it happen. And he came, spasming and dissolving, the back of his mind itself liquefying then sublimating slowly from one state to the next. Somewhere in there, at the end of it, he took a breath, a clear draught of air he felt all the way down to the depths of his lungs, and he knew that he had been holding his breath for a long time now. Three years, at least. Perhaps even longer. —Now rest, she said, and she kissed his eyelids with her soft lips. Let it go. Let it all go.

~American Gods, by Neil Gaiman






creep in a tshirt - portugal. the man

Virgo weekend love horoscope poem

"Love Start Ups (brainstorming)"

Date an Astronaut -
A dating site for people who want a long distance relationship,
who want to hook up but who have BOUNDARIES.
Mute Date -
A dating app for social retards and lovers of slapstick.
Date a Handyman -
@honeydodate she makes dinner, he does a chore.
There is a need for more post-illusion
practical options.

Dhani Harrison - All About Waiting

Here on this blog, I dis card. Everywhere else, I just HOLD.

Learning all kinds of stuff. Like because of the growing number of aged 65+ people taking to a lifestyle of vehicledwelling permanently out of necessity, craigslist is a camper-rape culture, especially regarding housing prices and conditions. A sweet van listed at 16k is really 160k. And a Scamp listed is not real at all, just luring people. Listings that I had bookmarked were mostly bait of some kind. Because the world is brimmimg with awful people. (i.e. it is not just my picker) There seems no way around that fact. And it is very seriously bumming me out.

It isn't just my picker that is broken.

When I am not working or childcaring relatively content, my time is spent dreaming of escapes. Looking at van and bus conversions I could skadaddle in anytime, everything I need on my back like a turtle. Smaller houses and mortgage repayment tables, dreaming of getting off the credit grid entirely. Physical manifestations of feeling as little as I owe and vice versa.

The man cravings come and go like strong bouts of hiccup. And then I go back to studying existential escape routes. 

watching 'The Last Man On Earth" (seriously lol)

http://www.agirlandhervan.com/where-am-i/goingsolar

“Re-examine all that you have been told...dismiss that which insults your soul” —Walt Whitman

metric - why don't you find out for yourself

brandi carlile - everytime I hear that song (by the way I forgive you)

Minister of loneliness. Huh. There's an idea. Loneliness is as bad for you as 15 cigarettes a day. Loneliness is the new sitting is the new smoking. But in the states, we might need a minister of underlying causes more. Like a Minister of People Are Assholes.

Be honest with yourself. Are you excited about your job? Your house?  Your spare time activities? Your appearance? Your relationships? Your future? If you won the lottery tomorrow would you quit your job and change your whole life?
~How to Have Midlife Crisis
by Catherine Searle
(answer key: mostly, mostly, mostly, good enough, depends on what kind, looks blank, probably not)




monophona - every day is like sunday

twin shadow - there is a light that never goes out

VIRGO Your character is not represented in a single act. Rather, it's the average of many behaviors over time. You'll work on being the person you want to be more consistently.

Once upon a time Saturday, I bought crushed velvet pants because they 1 were on clearance and 2 are supercomfy. I love bargains and supersoft pants. Then I came home, thought happily "only 9 bucks!", then I pulled them on without panties because supersoft pants on soft girlparts feels nice. The end.

cake - short skirt long jacket (repost)

yoga lifehack: mirror blur

"Dear Mr. You, Manly creature, who smells good even when you don’t, you wake up too slowly, with fuzzy, vertical hair and a slightly lost look on your face as though you are seven or seventy-five; to you, because you can notice a woman with a healthy chunk of years or pounds on her and let out a wolf whistle under your breath and mean it; because you thought either rug would be fine, really it would; to you who can fix my screen door, my attitude, and open most jars; to you who codifies, slams a puck, builds a decent cabinet or the perfect sandwich; to you who gave a twenty to the kids selling Hershey bars and waited three hours for me at baggage claim in your flannel shirt; you, sir, you took my order, my pulse, my bullshit; to you, boy grown up, the gentleman, soldier, professor, or caveman; to you and to that guy at the concession stand; thank you for lying on the hood of that car and watching stars plummet, thank you for the tour of the elevator cage, the sound booth, the alley; thank you for the kaleidoscope, the get-well tequila, the painting, the truth; thank you for the brown diamonds and blue points; to you, who carried me across the parking lot, to the ER, and up the stairs; to you who shows up every so often only to confuse and torment, and you who stays in orbit...You are what makes me indomitable and how I know to keep walking when I feel crippled in every conceivable way." Dear Mr. You, by Mary Louise Parker

If I were math:

shit together + kinda nuts / oversexed + honorable - (bossy + disillusioned) = blessed ft. seething

(You?)

all wretch, no vomit

This is why you are not Happy - Alan Watts

Most of that applies to most people I know, according to what they tell me. That was Trainwreck's problem for instance, if ever I heard it. But almost none of that is why I am unhappy. I wasn't raised to affirm anyone's existence - I was barely raised at all. My children raised me backhandedly, and for them I became an increasingly constant thing. Which is good, and I like it for myself as well, that I can completely rely on waking up to the same person every morning. Me.

But. To the extent I was 'brought up' it was by my grandmother, who felt stuck all her life being exactly that, the rock, and who was not buried with my grandfather after 60 years of marriage - she wanted to at last try being single. Nobody else in my wide family read books about everything and everywhere, except her, and then me. She stoked my wild heart. The part of me that is restless and haughty. The petit nympho. The standoffish bitch. She often told me "get the fuck out of here, then get the fuck out of there too". That part of me is driving me halfcrazy now, at odds with the rest. Wantdog. Frustrated and whimsical and sometimes bitter and often impatient, seething beneath my known-quantity carefully-preserved identity.

And that is a dangerous state to be in for us constant types, the earth signs. You are ripe to be swept off your feet by someone who senses opportunity wherever they can find it and takes whatever they can from whomever they can. We court trouble this way.

If I don't get soothed soon, I will have to sell a house or some such. Chain myself to big chores that must be done so they supersede my heart for a spell.

the sheepdogs - the way it is

Day 1 of the year was spent in and out of urgent care with a flu struckdown kid. Frazzled worried driving around getting meds in a blizzard while the temp dropped and the boiler couldn't quite keep up. Which is good. Every new year for several years running, I think 'yay it's going to be better now', then it sucks. So it's just as well that 2018 isn't blowing smoke up my ass. No illusions.

dj shadow - nobody speak ft bag of dicks

experience suggests