choosing blue hues vs choosing the blues

I want to try to be okay (really) now, a little

"always a project" - tiz true that is a deep instinct of self preservation, into which I can disappear (more). I have almost entirely disappeared into it, a very small intimate handful of friends helping, being invited closer by way of letting them, but not many. I need to do what I am able, especially what is only mine to do, such as choosing what to hang on to or not. The work of coming back to myself.

Is this it? All I want? Nooo. God no. I have no intention of containing my self in these chores ("whens"). I will finish the list that I set for myself because doing so is my belief systems. Actions are how your intentions become real things in the world / your life. Feelings are a big deal (!), but they in themselves do not do anything except inspire action(s), for better or worse. Only by doing can you see what you're doing. 

And finish what you start.

In May, what I was doing was waking up angry, fists up before eyes open, and full of so much hurt and self-pity that I didn't need to eat. And that's it. I went to work, I did the things, I had at least left by that time, knocked off drinking, broke up + quit. But I was gorging on ragey self-pity, alone inside myself where nobody could see, like a Snickers stash hidden in every room of my mind, all day every day. What Good can come find you in that?? 

Then for a moment, a whole bunch of other feelings rushed through me like a hard rain and got me on my feet to chase it through the summer and fall. Did it get me where I thought it could/might? No. But I am not where I was, either. 

"VIRGO..calm yourself, soften the energy and imagine the two of you in harmony. The picture of connection will come true."

These are the darkest days of the year, countdown to soltice, the last few darkdark days before the light begins to come back. Holidays around the world mark this countdown in actions. We rush to find a right present for someone, to get the decorations up, to get the goose. We move toward the light. "Point yourself toward possibility", a witchrule of thumb for this time. 

"Assume the ending will be happy. If it's not happy, it's not the ending."

I got that pic yesterday from a friend who's in the Virgin Islands. I will put my "picture of connection" there, on a resort beach, my hand held.

song tbd, meanwhile I am thinking about getting this. am I ready? or would I let it wither and die if I had it?