Rather than unblog it because I've had time to process and internalize it, I'm just gonna leave it there like the bullets that such things are, just absorbed / left inside. I should reblog this morning too but I can't give a shit enough tbh, feels like a week ago. 

And I know things like this, assaults on my being Alive (able), will continue. I am willing to mark a calendar day for "probably partcularly shitty". It is was blocked out already for that. It was my shitty day, as it turns out, not his. But. Bound to be somebody's. 

I just can't afford to feel like shit alllll of the time any more, regardless. I guess I do expend a lot of energy digging my heels in right around here. At sense making.

I must insist.

I am glad E was here painting and my Ma was not today, and my daughter could absorb the news like an adult. "Put your face on", as they used to say. Like armor.

I'd also marked this on the calendar as the start of 'seduction works both ways or not at all' season. Life is just too hard to maintain any level of enthusiasm for that diy. Fact. 

I am calling this color "Cupid's Butt" - we had it matched from a swatch of wallpaper and I bet you anything she will pronounce it fleshy and come up with somethijg funnier and worse 

enjoy the day called off already, eat cake, adjust, no new furnace expiring rebate or not, reshuffle recalibrate go through the spreadsheet again in my head, add "rent the cottage" as possible,  then put it DOWN, no laptop, no email, did not go to the "emergency open meeting", phone on do not disturb now shielding me from outpourings of sympathy, resources going to core systems only

I am going to take a nap. Also, while I am Enough Alreadying, I reject the whole 'to jerk off or not to jerk off' thing. I don't know what to call what I am doing. Disturbing the force. God knows it disturbs the fuck outa me.