If I actually move away forever, don't you think we ought to fuck at least once? She thinks in a PANIC..

FUCK.

With Nebraska omw back from a conference at which I gave him the "ring is off, I am pressing pause / see other people / however you feel best about it but it's time to face we aren't compatible partners, I do not want to live the way you do nor with you my way, mqybe COworkers would have worked but it did not work for me, YOU AND ME don't work for me, not in a I don't love you way just not a good fit" schpeel which = bye, nicely, cz never burn a professional bridge. Now on route to NYS thank God, HOME!, even if I'm destined to be poor fuck it I'm gonna go *dig in* and put this all behind me. Goddes even put tracy in the seat by the shitter and I got an upgrade 👍, not even seated together. A day in NYS, love on the dog and "hang out in healing" 🙄 and he will be on his way, that's that. Then 2 seconds b4 we took off, I got the job offer.  Both of us moving to Phoenix. The only thing I had a chance to text him was "I am not taking anything back!" My heart is pounding too hard to THINK. Seriously after a week at that conference where EVERYONE LOST THEIR GRANT IN REAL TIME panic at the emotional disco on top of all that, uhhhh, I'm kinda emotional labor exhausted omg. Jen, my whole world runs on grants. Grants and tuition (ie student loans administered by the dept of ed). I'd already lost sooo much of that but nobody else had.  Then for days, boom boom boom boom punch in the face per hour to hundred of colleagues PLUS I'm like welp I went Mad Maxx a while back and all you did was text my sister 🙄 wtfever, and welcome to my world EVERYONE. Hell, now maybe you'll all break up too, better dating pool for me so 🤷🏻‍♀️. 

Then this. 

You can't make this shit up. 

I'm in Detroit, my whole beinghood longing for NY and a legal joint, my HR 171, in the stupid fucking Sky Lounge he loves so much, imploding. 

gotta start somewhere

No.

"VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). There's an undeniable energy about you today, one that naturally pulls people in. As the star — charismatic, attention-drawing, naturally at the center of things — you have a responsibility to stay grounded and wield your power with compassion."

That's the same thing as the one I said I'd only post all year, right?

"VIRGO You're magnetic because you're honest, unfiltered and unapologetic. Just watch how it draws the right energy to you. Exciting love prospects align with the truth of who you are, proving that honesty is your most attractive quality."

Off to the HHC today in Philly. My people, all the other medical/healthy humanists. Where I met Nebrasks, who has since taken over that/my world. I'm meeting him there. 

Unless you are very recklessly in love, a handfasting should end with "as long as love shall last", not for all this life and the next (🤦🏻‍♀️), and it would have a pre-agreed cycle, like yearly, when we both ask if we both want to continue. If no, then you go separate ways with promises of enduring respect. We never got close enough for me to explain any of this to him, and of course he's never cared to ask me about my prior romantic life. So he doesn't know the rules, and doesn't know why I'd forever keep to them going forward. He had the grad student ask me yesterday, if you can believe it, so I did. The rule means you have to TRY bc it is not a given the answer will continue to be yes. I said no verbally for a year. Now I will invoke The No. And will then walk through that world like I own it. 

It's bound to go sideways, but all signs point to MY staying steady regardless and regardless and regardless 🙏 smib

Play me a song? 

little bit - larkin poe

a wish

aint wasting no more time 

you don't need no gypsy to tell you why

Consider that some who identify as "givers" really use giving as a form of control, obligation or power. It's not giving in the selfless way you think of it — it's transactional. When the "giver" feels they're not getting the response they want, they flip because their giving was never truly about generosity — it was about control.

tomorrow is a long time - bob dylan

My mother was discharged with 4x the dose of omeprazole and strict instructions about her behavior and dietary restrictions. My sister called and put me on speaker with her while she went in to CVS for the meds. The second sis wasn't listening, "I blame it on the salsa and [whispering] it was worth it." 🤣 🤦🏻‍♀️ Hemoglobin of 4.1 be damned, ya can't beat good Mexican food, despite the young Dr blurting 'wow, 4.1 is usually dead!'

I can (will) somehow deal with the clusterfuck that is my life. But I could not deal with losing my mother. (🙏 thank you Mary)

Today is a new moon and solar eclipse and the dregs of mercury retrograde -  start something new or better yet REstart. Rethink a thing. 

Mercury chases Venus into Pisces and conjoins with Neptune on this day of the new moon and solar eclipse. Inspiration flows like a tide, pulling hearts toward poetry, music and the kind of beauty that makes you weep. Every song is a love song, every brushstroke a confession. Love and art intertwine, each feeding the other.

🤔

 A gift of art: 

source (the Canadian accent 😂)

And music

kindergarten heart - shaina hayes

Dr: "hiatal hernia, cameron ulcers,hiatal hernia, cameron ulcers, hiatal hernia, cameron ulcers,hiatal hernia, cameron ulcers"

Jackie is the WORST patient, and most Dr's are like talking to Nebraska (head meets wall / eyes watch floor) - the combo is maddening 😵‍💫 Thank God for my sister 🙏

Dball - will this dog ever stop crapping liquid awful all over the floor day and night 😖...

And still with the flu B snot factories. Why is this flu giving folks nightmares? That's the worst symptom, reported by multiple people in different households, so it's definitely a thing :/ 

Let's check my tarot card ...

"handfasting" 

Don't see how that applies. All that is in front of me today is more illness, nobody listening, tears and snot and internal bleeding (mom's, mine is only psychological moral spiritual bleeding far as I know), with much dog shit.

dirty - mikhail laxton love this video...and now that I'm watching it vs just listening, there are trees on either side and dancing in the center 🤔 all that's missing is me?

Sometimes I really really wish I was pleasantly surprised (wrong).

coming home - old dominion what other way is there to kiss besides 'like coming home from war' now? 

Life needs to have some safe words, ya know? 

My mother has been admitted to hospital, upping the ante considerably even mid flu B hell. If my mother....

That would break me. I need a safe word for that. 

the war inside - tom morello ft chris sing it brother

I felt like an old candle that had sat forgotten on a shelf for years, frozen into the same lumpy awkward shape, dull with dust, but now here was the fire again, and I was softening and changing and finding I didn’t have to be that cold shape forever, and the wax was turning warm and bright again. He’d burn me away altogether before long, but it was worth it. ~ Hymn to Dionysus (a wish)

looking too closely - fink perfect with a little whiskey (breathe)

outside-time time

"in process"

❤️ Ears, my overtired driver 

 

"come here so I can get a better look" is what he called the piece, a charming title imo

I should be packing for WI, but I postponed into April. So. I'm sort of nonexistent atm, nobody expecting me anywhere. 

I am lying around on my stomach, healing and shopping for underwear. I can't get wet (my back, I mean) for 3 days in outside-time time.  #gameynaps starting now

right on time - brandi carlile 

I should have said something sooner. I should have told more truth. Sometimes you don't understand enough. And it's tricky if you want to be someone else, someone better. If you really do care but you can't...if you just can't.

"intention"

drop kick me jesus - bobby bare

happier alone - your hunni  

fuck it

rushmere - mumford & sons (semi-live) (official lyric alt)

Welp, Q confirms. A little less selling price but his commissions are lower so it comes out in the wash. If I can find a place to be that I like for 225-250k-ish, it's do-able. 

But. 

When it comes down to it, I'm trying to make decisions about how to get happier while working with a sad brain. Would moving make my brain feel better? The last time I did that, I moved to Lewiston and for a while it actually worked, which is why I'm hoping it would work again. 

But. It might not. 

We talked for 2 hours, 10 minutes about the house, which is fab.

"Are you ready to let go of what you've got left?" He recommends doing so, it's logical to do so, but he's not going to bullshit me, the look on my face is not one that inspires hope in the near future no matter what I do. He's sorry - do I want his famous secret cookie recipe? 

So. I try to just flip the script: What's the upside right now? 

Answer: Nobody has the right to demand anything from me. 

I love that part.

I can see getting mighty bored with that, tiz true, but I'm not yet. I can relax and just...think....

....that's a sexy luxury, right?

I just look at my 'historical architecture (sp?) lines' above my bed and Think Stuff confetti - charlotte cardin she read my mind

lalala listening to girly music about cowboys 👢

It's so obvious that I'm chagrined. Who has been there every time I moved to mark a moving on?

Q.

He's gonna hear the sob story like only he can - we always want the last decade back so we can refuck it. 💞

A frustrating amount of time has been spent waiting on that magical job. And the Priest did/does want me, as did the dean, which is validation of my work. They just can't get funding bc nobody can, including med schools. I told him I'd wait another month. March. Not 1 day more will I sit still.

Higher ed as a profession is fucked. Healthcare, on which my industry relies, is also fucked. I am smack dab in the middle of the "medical corridor" at the crossroads of fucked. Everyone says there will be 10k+ more jobs in healthcare to be filled here. It's been said so many times that it feels true. But it is not true. We may need 10k more providers, that doesn't mean that people want those jobs or that the funding to pay them will be there or that the schools that make providers will be able to keep doing that - all of those assumptions are simply wrong. STEM is not bullet proof; quite the contrary, it's a prime target. 

That will mean many houses will be foreclosed upon in places like this, college towns who bet the farm on false assumptions. 

They're giving NUR degrees away. All healthcare shortages will go this way, you watch. No such thing as free, so who is paying for it? 

Answer: assume you're fucked. THAT is the right bet.

But I'm pretty hard to kill. A difficult strategy environment feels like home, that way.

So. 

1. I want REAL, something to put my hands on, a lot, in every life category. To move on means to move physically, for me. It always has. 

2. And, I want out of the banking system entirely, my next primary res owned outright.

Q's situation assessment concurs with mine, especially about owning outright as good strategy despite my insanely low interest rate. I didn't think of this but Blowhard understands REAL ESTATE, and can arrange the banking system such that individuals won't be able to buy foreclosed properties. That is already difficult to do, and going forward it will be impossible in the chaos. Which means lien holders will have to sell in bulk. To people like Blowhard. 

That is going to happen. 

Q gives it 2 years at the outside before academics, the people who are the market for a house like this, realize they are not what they thought they were (secure). Sell it before any more of them get a clue. While the STEMs still think they're the smartest people in the world. 

Card of the day

"strategic planning"

Mark's best friend committed suicide. RIP baby blue - willow avalon

post yoga sweaty butt print - I took this same pic before once bc I thought it was funny, like a year ago ish. I took it again bc this time, I have so little ass padding, it's a twat print now (I need some ASS BACK / god dammit Ken 🤨)

 

Something went missing overnight, let's assume. I pulled the tower card yesterday too, so all signs point to a significant crumbling/collapse. 

All the kids have checked in, tho I am still worried about Ears, who has been sick for weeks and who is going to the dr again today over lymphnodes and paying out of pocket still because benefits under Blowhard just don't mean anything. That's not new, exactly. Getting sick to any degree in America at this point carries a high risk of a death sentence. That's only getting worse. Trend unchanged 📉

My employer might have gone under, but nothing in the news except that we have added "tumbling" to our sports, probably to add some estrogen to offset the always toxic lacrosse players. 

The impacts of royally screwing over all students, all student loan holders, all healthcare sector workers, (so basically everyone I know will) continue to worsen until folks aren't shooting just themselves in Mercy's ER.

Not new, any of that 📉

My anger feels spent, fucks to give gone, but that is not new. (Rage is perenniel.)

My not wanting to wake up to this same reality, not new.

My shopping for Bossy Bessy clothes over empowering undergarments for a job I don't have and a lover I (probably) haven't met, then buying nothing thus wasting my time entirely - status unchanged. (Maybe I'll buy the underwear.)

Real Estate, pondering it, making an appointment to look at something I almost certainly will not buy. (Ranch yes, fireplace no, sunroom no...), that's never new, so not that.

I could stand up and do something, or I could read in bed with dogs. 

"status quo"

Let's pray the Priest is well 🙏. He was delighted with this as of yesterday. I refrained from chiming in with "improvised are my favorite kind of explosive device!" (😇)

I'm stumped. Elvis has left the building, but I cannot identify Elvis. And all my imaginings about what (more) has been taken only work to piss me off / worry / upset me, which is very not new. 

Soundtrack, same old same old ft some attempt to shake my ass in the shower:

another day in paradise - cat v cat ft joyner (phil collins cover) boring 

gunnin - sean hayes better

P.s. I forgot, irony died. This is the campus read choice for next year, and we will be "expected to incorporate it into coursework covering any aspect of mental health".

"Trust, the willingness to be vulnerable to others, is an expression of faith that they will do the right thing. It is how hope lives between people." ~Jamil Zaki

How much trust do you have left on your dipstick? That's what I'm going to ask my students. In fact, I'm going to ask them all that today, extra credit for answering. But what if they don't know what a dipstick is (you'd be surprised / never assume they know anything). 🤔 I know, they can draw it, glass how much full?

just shy of fully eclipsed apx 2:15 a.m. 3/14/2025

This year's lunar eclipse on the worm moon resonates a theme of invisibility and humility. From a lowly place of diminished ego, more is possible. The reduction of self creates space for becoming. We wiggle our way into possibility. As put by Mary Oliver in her poem "Worm Moon": "The season for curiosity is everlasting and the hour for adventure never ends."

Lunar eclipses take something away. It could hurt. 

The Door - Teddy

My grad student texted, can we meet to discuss "men who don't communicate"? In trying to arrange a meet up time, I find that she is in DC with Nebraska. He "thought he mentioned it". (She blew him in.) 

"twatever"

sugar daddy - devon cole au courant 

a wish

They broke the silence with sighs and the rustle of clothing strewn on the floor. They broke the silence very gently, lazily, and they were considerate and very thorough. They were caring and tender and, although neither quite knew what caring and tenderness were, they succeeded because they very much wanted to. And they were in no hurry whatsoever. ~Andrzej Sapkowski

This is what being around him does to me. My body just kills itself, no resilience left. I feel physically awful. When did I get back from AZ? And it's taken me all this time to level back up to "adequate" physical health for 1 day. At a certain point, it doesn't matter why anymore. If every time you think about the other person or spend time with them, you feel awful, then as the Dr says "if it hurts to do that, don't do it" (duh)

Nebraska is in DC for the national humanities alliance conference and then advocacy day when you get to represent your state to members of Congress about keeping things funded. I would normally go with him. I did last year, and this year the idea of being in DC at all let alone over fucking funding - I mean, it's got to be INSANE right? Like meeting Flav, only different. If I were stronger. But I am not, presently.

Just talking about it brings me right back down.

It's going to be a very long year, I fear. 

He took a copy with him. Cz now all I do is tell him to stop fucking talking to me, but he does constantly, text text all day, I respond with barely polite monosyllables on the subject of work, while he also just bailed on paying anything towards mutual obligations (I am so never giving the dog back, no!), then at 1 a.m. he starts blathering about sending me breakfast (uh, do you know what any vet bill looks like, asshole? And wtf is up with men leaving me jeep payments? 🙄) until I have to shut him down AGAIN, no I'm not accepting bagels, go fuck yourself. "I am not interested in talking ON your terms or IN your terms." I suggested he go read this book, learn MY terms. Premise: you make me literally sick. 

It was the nicest way I could think of to say "you make me sick". 

I have a very annoying zit on my ass. Asstat karma, could that be a thing?  My skin is usually flawless, objectively speaking Italian skin just is. This is an estrogen gangbusters thing = the next dude is already on my nerves for not showing up by now lol 🤨 Let's call next dude "Ken".  God damn it, Ken 🤨

Funny story tho in which I am an idiot: hot yoga, afterward I'm in the shower, and I find this marble-sized zit back there and think omg I have buttcheek cancer !! then think that'd be a funny way to die, objectively funny😆 🤷🏻‍♀️ But no, it's just Ken 🤨

No song God dammit 🤨🙄

Talk. selena gomez ft benny blanco Talk is a balm.

I chatted with Toughie last night. Short term disability still not approved despite legal requirements to approve and provide it. Smart boy kept a voice recorder in his pocket, as did I, the pile of HR lawsuits pending gets bigger by the day. However, thanks to the Blowhorn, the NLRB is defunct = there shall be no protections of any kind for any worker, union or not, no matter what your contract or the law says. Until further notice, you should put air quotes around your "rights". 

We need to stay away from our workplace as much as we can atm to protect our health from collapsing. But that means forced social isolation. And after a while, that feels just as bad for us as the working conditions were/are. We miss each other and all our friends. Set a goal before coming back, I suggested. My goal: gain 10 pounds. If I gain 10 pounds and haven't moved to Phoenix, then I will return to campus next fall. And be an intentional thorn. 🤨

Protecting my own is one of my strongest instincts. Proof: hearing from Toughie did not turn me on, it was just a RELIEF, another one of us they failed to kill, safe for now. And that relief = I scarfed down a plate of Niagara Cafe like WHOA. I finally felt it again: hungry. I have been eating only by forcing myself to do so for many months. Hungry is very different than starving, bodywise. Hunger feels like your body is trying to live; starving feels like your body is trying to quit this life. 

Then I slept like a baby who strangles Kens 💤

 

"I'm going to strangle you."

I'm Just Ken - Ryan Gosling ft Slash (live)  💞

Cosmic rhythms are authorizing you to be extra demanding in the coming days—as long as you are not frivolous, rude, or unreasonable. You have permission to ask for bigger and better privileges that you have previously felt were beyond your grasp. You should assume you have finally earned rights you had not fully earned before now. My advice is to be discerning about how you wield this extra power. Don’t waste it on trivial or petty matters. Use it to generate significant adjustments that will change your life for the better.

Rob's weekly oracles don't count as horoscopes. He's not even pretending to know astrology, it's pure augury. I called in sick today. I feel "fine", but my heart knows better. 

wtf is HRV balance?

It's Fat Tuesday. I need to decide what I will give up for lent. (I wish I could put out a suggestion box.) Jerking off, methinks - not because it is "bad" but just to go without expenditure of my girly self down.

I've been thinking of "my demands", working within the circle of warmth emanating from that Priest, an almost voodoo charm he pulls out and lays on you in quick decisive affirmations ("I Needed, and Jesus sent you in a basket") , then you're in it before you even knew there was an it to be in, identified and conscripted. 

The demands I make next - of him of them of me of life - have to right my heart(beat). What does that?

Listening for answers, lying here in the quiet, phone silenced, calendar wiped. I can almost physically feel an assumptive answer, like "married". I don't know how to interpret that. I am certain no more diamonds will be on my left hand again. Ever. But I affirmatively consented to something. And I am not strong enough (yet) for whatever it is.

Turn on the radio. Maybe a song will be sent with some answers. I'll be here.

"dog pile"

Monday sucks. 

Unions submit 16,500 staffing violations at WNY hospitals to state Health Department and all that that implies.

my fave time, sleepy long morning coffee in bed with the mutts, soaking up what vit D there is alone on Venus

If you felt, in the weeks past, you could sometimes read the thoughts of another, that sense will be less pronounced in the new cycle. On the last day of Mercury's journey through the sign of intuition, we realize there's a limit to what can be expressed silently, sent with a look or on the wings of intention. Get ready to dig into a more direct style of communication.

Ok, let's "dig in". I mean, mostly I have either said all I had to say or have gotten no reply or both. So, g'head, lay it on me.

Jesus, is that you dawg? 

This would have been a great day for fucking all afternoon. 

I did my best 🌩 with all the rain on my libido parade. Finally made that dick butter. Starting with this one.

Ending (toxin shedding). Ingredients include witch tears and Italian tang.  Soundtrack (this dude slayed me today, and I let them fall fall fall 😭): east side of sorrow - zach bryan and Oklahoma smokeshow his/hers

More Time: ingredients include reblooming rose absolute suffused into the wooden lid underside northern attitude - noah kahan ft hozier

'Flutters', from the V-DAY horoscope (You'll soon have all the time and space to dive into the passions that set your heart aflutter.) Secret ingredient, girl drool training season - dua lipa (live) body talk - kane brown katelyn brown (behind the scene)

The soundtrack picked itself, Alexa dj'ing whatever by chance, mostly songs new to me - ones for crying, one for holding up/out, ones that were ready to flutter. Butters made in that order accordingly.

7

I just got home from the union thing where I hung out w someone who has worked there for 30 years whom they just fired and perp walked her off campus without letting her get her shit out of her office. Lost another half dozen last week, that way, how they like to fire people, with a security escort. It's SADISTIC. She lost 30 pounds by the time they fired her and also lost hair, just like me. Both getting vitamin shots and feeling like the world THAT WE BUILT TOGETHER FOR UMPTEEN YEARS has been pulled out from under, like it was nothing. And since Nebraska has ZERO understanding of that, it feels like he's one of the bad guys too, the ones who thought all those years of built things were just nothing of value. They think bc they weren't in the picture yet, it didn't even exist.

I really really hate that "you were no thing" thing. I am always a fucking thing motherfucker. Was always. Will be always. 

Earlier today, I was offered the dream job. Chair of Medical Humanities at a big ol' medical school. My job will be to create a sense of community. I'm great at that, although breaking up with the primary ally on hand as a starting point is dicey. Then again, meh, I had to marry in where I'm at now cz I wasn't well connected privilege class enough to get in otherwise. One way or another, everybody fucks their way into the life they're in. Think about it. At least this time I don't have to MARRY it, I just have to humor it. When the time comes that I must deal with him, I'm going "open relationship". I mean, what GUY doesn't want a free pass? Then he will go off with whoever (whew). But. THEY STILL DO NOT HAVE THE CASH, so we have a "go" on everybody's strategic fucking plan 🙄. I have spent my professional existence sitting on the "wishlist" in the budget. So I get it. It might never happen. But feels like it will happen, sooner or later. Because Priest is the current chair, beloved by all, and wants to name a successor so he can step down. And at the end of the day, who is going to say no to THE priest? Ya know? He asked me if I could start in July if he got the $. 

It is impossible that that's happening to me. I am NO THING actually hahahaha. There are soooo many more qualified people. And yet. 

You'd think I'd be thrilled. But I'm not. I'm gratified. Under the right conditions, that could feel pleasantly sexy. But I still have to pay an almost excruciating exit cost. "Exit cost" is one of the things I learned in the class about crows that I'm paid to teach and I do no thing, the animal biologist teaches it for kicks and I sign off. Cuz I dunno. Honestly. I get away with murder. Getting this fancy job, for ME, that's getting away with murder. Again. And it feels like murder. 

It all feels so heavy on my heart I can barely breathe.

If you do it faithfully, hot yoga right-sizes you. It'll layer muscle. It will sculpt another whole me (again). 

I should do more shit faithfully. Like make my bed. I shall make my bed today so I feel shit-together-y in preparation to talk later to the Priest, who I am praying has not found the money to pay me yet because I don't want to go, but it would be insane to turn down a job there, but there isn't a snowball's chance in hell I am marrying or even staying engaged to Nebraska and that's gonna throw all those guys into a patriarchal tizzzzzzy. If only I could fake an understandable affair with a woman - guys can compute "switched teams". But I can't fake the fucking time of day. 

too skinny ft need dick&pizza stat

Then I'm going to a union happy hour. It's hard to look like this and not want to drive it around, ya know? But I never want to go anywhere, a conundrum that union affiliation might help.

Tomorrow is the dick butter cook, because of course Sunshine never showed up (some things never ever change god bless her); if she shows up this time, I'm going to drag her to ANOTHER union hang out, an honest to god speakeasy for socialist end of days minded folk. The dude I never fucked in New Orleans is bartending. Sunshine can't keep track of the dicks with flowers and bees all around. I know she's gonna bat her lashes and ask something like "which one of the guys she never did fuck are you?" Fine 🙄. I  wanna see if you can really lay your problems on a bartender. Is that cliche true? Can I ask him, if you were me, in full light of all the ass eating (not in a good way) details, what would you do?

I doubt the bartender cliche is true. I think everybody just gets drunk (except me), and Sunshine could might definitely fuck a fireman. But. Fine fine 🙄. 

OH WELL - Slash&Chris for dancing around the house in nothing but panties and boots 🩲👢my "lucky outfit" (turn it up!)

"Eventually, having unmet needs or having to meet the needs of others is no longer experienced as stressful. It feels normal. One is disarmed." When the Body Says No, Gabor Mate, M.D.

Otherwise known as learned helplessness. Like a dog electrocuted in its cage with no escape eventually curls into it and won't walk out. 

I doubt myself (rightfully). Is my wholesale physical rejection of current options refusing a cage or refusing to leave one? 

But that's the wrong question (?) When a cage door opens into another cage, still at the mercy (or not) of others, the dog is set up to go from helpless to perishable. 

(And for better or worse, I'm not a dog.)

The psycho-neuro-immuno-endocrine upshot is that being subsumed by another(s) is so stressful to a human being that they get sick, maybe even sick to death. That is measurable in my body. SCIENCE. And it is the strongest people who go down hardest, as we are not maleable enough to survive it. We withstand it. Until we snap.

"I look at you, and I see a shade of yourself." 

I've been sheltering in place. I left to go to yoga last night finally. I gave the instructor/friend a ride home. As soon as we were in the jeep, he said "I look at you, and I see a shade of yourself." 

let go - boyce avenue (acoustic cover) beauty in the blurdown

Following the turn of Mars is a soulful Piscean conjunction, a poetic omen and invitation to dance in less literal interpretations of the world. Logic leaves, love leads, and there is beauty in the blur. It's good to wander unthinkingly through some moments, trusting the answers you need are already within you, waiting to emerge in unexpected forms.

Today, Tops. Maybe there will be music, sometimes stores do that and I can't help dancing a little every time. 

resentment is soul suicide

'A therapist once said to me, “If you face the choice between feeling guilt and resentment, choose the guilt every time.” It is wisdom I have passed on to many others since. If a refusal saddles you with guilt, while consent leaves resentment in its wake, opt for the guilt. Resentment is soul suicide. Negative thinking allows us to gaze unflinchingly on our own behalf at what does not work.

We have seen in study after study that compulsive positive thinkers are more likely to develop disease and less likely to survive. Genuine positive thinking — or, more deeply, positive being — empowers us to know that we have nothing to fear from truth. “Health is not just a matter of thinking happy thoughts,” writes the molecular researcher Candace Pert. “Sometimes the biggest impetus to healing can come from jump-starting the immune system with a burst of long-suppressed anger.” 

_When the Body Says No_, Gabor Mate, MD

Turning to science doesn't turn me away from witchcraft, it marries ways of knowing to see better.

I never learned to repress emotions. Upside to crazy parents, no repression was present in my upbringing whatsoever. I can control them to a point, but my body will decide ultimately. According to this book, that is probably what has kept me alive, this forced marching (away) that my body decides upon.

Since I left AZ and went dark, it feels like a rubber band around my throat too tight has been snipped. I gulpgasp for air. Breathing is more vital than eating. ("30 days without food, 3 days without water, 3 minutes without breathing" - that's the yoga math on what kills you, so breathe.) I'm staring into my own reflection in a puddle (my little world), both me and the puddle being shaken, shaking. Scrying inside.

Did I treat anyone this way? Did I entirely ignore your pain, blind to it even though you spoke it, if you spoke it or could not, carrying on until I was inconvenienced by it, and then only notice my own heart about it? Things like that are what I worry in reflection. In the ground-shaken puddle, alibis looking rightfully shattered. 

food in the belly - xavier fudd shazammed for the dancing in the shower playlist (not safe to dance or use the phone in there but 🤷🏻‍♀️)

I've pulled the Empress card every day since I got home. I have one in my kitchen. Card of the (every)day. 

I made a full set of my own tarot in 2010, collages all. I posted them as I went. I thought I had posted ALL of them, why did/would I not? So I looked, that's how I know it was 2010 because I found the other cards, starting with Judgement. I did not Post this one (or can't find it if I did):

In finding them, I skimmed the narrative again. 

2010 looks like a trail that leads directly to a hot tub.

Patterns repeating, outcome unknown atm. All the wrong men were buzzing around me (FPH, Bale, LMG - flowers and bees all around). I put myself through a wtaf process to try to get to the bottom of the problem, a process that I began to narrate to my new friend Aaron (who wanted a chicken-wing tower at his wedding but was eating "tofu scramble", if memory serves). I climbed mountains, danced around a maypole, joined a drumming circle, made jams of fruit I picked myself. M shows up, fucking my asshole Ex is doing me an unknown favor (tyvm!). 

I stood on my head, finally. I might try that again because it takes a lot of physical strength, which would necessitate building muscle back. 

I did everything MATERIAL that I could think of before resorting to magic. 

It wasn't until 2011 that it became clear (to someone else) that I didn't need magic, I was it. All I had to do was be to make magic. 

I am not fully living at this moment. Hence, all I am able to do is jerk off and eat poptarts.

maypole day

"change of perspective"

M

I still want what I wanted then -  kids around, air smells healthy, lying on my back, watching someone else help make the world, and feeling at home in it.

I am just plain homesick (again or still). 

I am getting another tattoo. The pain of it, the process, the result - all are needed, I believe. I am going to have my back redone. 

He (his name is Greg, but I think of him as Handlebar Mustache because he has one [and is Polish 🤭]) is going to wrap her around with good energy, fluid like girl drool. I asked him to take her from 'I don't trust you' to 'come closer so I can get a better look at ya', and sent him this photo. I have no idea what it will look like after 6+ hours, but I trust him. That's the point.

better than - john butler trio repost, a gem that popped out 💞

Tomorrow is our first dick butter cook. Like meth, only different. I cleared my schedule for today, calling in Quiet (my "sick") in order to prepare. I intended to clean the kitchen while dancing to whatever plays for me. 

Nebraska texts me. Says he will "give me all the space and time I need" . Uh, thanks God of Space and Time, for what shall I use these gifts? 🙄 I don't respond.

Then my sister calls to debrief the follow up she got from Nebrasks until I could tamp my FURIOUS down to not giving a shit enough to think, then we mulled the possibilities. When we get to discussing Janis, the fat dog he adores but never actually cared for (cough cough), we spitball that it would be great if Nebrasksa fell in love with a cat lady in Omaha, and then I could move to Phoenix for the job he discarded there, and he wouldn't want me or the dog. "Let's manifest that!", she declares. Okay let's! smib, laughing

An hour after that, Nebraska texts me to ask what I'm doing? I don't respond again. 

An hour after that, Priest emails me, wants to set up a meeting. I haven't responded. I forward it to Sister for wording the response. 

See how this owns every one of my waking hours? Nebraska just TAKES. Built for it.

I'll meet with the priest. I cannot afford not to. And Nebraska knows that. Cornering me into responding.  Shoo!!

Playlist tbd. I'm going to take a very hot bubble bath and smoke a big fat joint. 

My sister calls. Nebraska has texted her. Good lord, who does that? And to MY family, does he have a death wish?? She reads me the long convoluted message about my "thinking about breaking up with him" and/but his greatest concern is for my health and state of mind. 

Wow. 

Sister, God bless her heart, took it upon herself to tactfully reply. At disapproving length. 

"Known by the company you keep."  I just keep running that by folks to get their take. Today, the prevailing theory is that my current institution is a rudderless fractured place no longer turning out "dollies" and isn't going to land that DO school, which will drive the place under. THAT is the company I keep. I do think that's a fair assessment. And in that narrative, I am unsinkable Molly Brown, and Phoenix is the rescue ship I tried to flag down. 

What I know: I am incorporating the "known by" phrasing into my own vocabulary because it clearly is magical at creating opacity. 

What I know: I need to gain weight. I don't know what to do about that except force myself to eat as if I were happy. Which is a mindfuck, gaslighting your own body. I'm always hungrier after sex, so I keep leisurely masturbating. But it just doesn't hit the "now I want pasta" threshold. I gotta get back to yoga, which also works, but this weather on top of the shitty gauntlet I just ran, oof. I'm really struggling to keep going atm.

I have to get up the energy to do something crazy. 

too skinny ft fat dog

ain't gonna drown - elle king

 

Image removed cz it's giving me a headache. The letter attached is backdated to October '24 and runs through 2030. If they're building in a 7 year itch, they better backdate further back. 

I'm not marrying Nebraska, regardless.

Clearly I just do not understand the World of Men. My nun did not train me to deal with STEM dudes other than to hit them with a gavel. In the car on the way home from the airport, I told Ears all about the "known by the company you keep" and told him I broke up with Nebraska who didn't seem to really notice. (Is that possible??) Ears says simply, "Sounds like patriarchy." Not a huge fan of that! Lol. I wouldn't kink-shame anyone, including the half of the country that wants to get hate-fucked by Elon. You do you. But I do not want to indulge, sorry but the "pleasures of patriarchy" turn me into a furious little cunt, stomping around wanting to slap the shit out of folks. Who then try to keep me and assume they just can. What the hell kind of magic/kink is that? Answer: Patriarchy, an ancient form of dark magic like the Druids fucked Henry VIII or some shit.

💞

you don't have to believe me - eric hutchinson ft daryl hall I do believe you (whoever you are, sending songs with toast - Toast Ghost), and yes I would like to chitchat about woodwork first - I do believe that's just down the road from where Ex now lives with M, who tortures him every day while definitely fucking a grad student on the side (minimally), cz that's what you get when you get what you want too much #patriarchy

Leaving a day early. The m4 volunteers did a panel to take the others' questions about handling things like an icu patient begging to die for a month or someone waking up in 4-points and a trach who desperately wants to watch TV...These m4s are the ones I met Flav with, way back. Daniel. Clarice. Shannon. They will be GOOD doctors. And I realized, given how broken is my own planet, that these m4s are the closest thing I've seen to "watched them grow up" in these the last years, and the last students that I might ever see that way. I will sorely miss that.

But I am leaving. Sad finally, the next stage of grief or whatever. Please Mary, get me home safely.  smib

I am innocent! (of that)

spellcasting is bargaining, so I just am FURIOUS through all phases (shocker lol) - I'm stumbling around between depression and fuck-it, after which maybe there is a backyard chicken named Hope (🐓mote of hope)

The fire marshals refuse to allow more than 120 students into a room. Absurdly this rule is one of the justifications for my being here, because medical students never fail (one of the most cruel systems I've seen taken out on students, truly would make anyone a rabid beast, "never failing" meaning something like covenant marriage in Alabama x 100ks in debt servitude), and hence there can be no "kiddy table" on zoom, they all must have their own live pocket charm. Some of them have to "attach" to me. But, I have refused for the day. This will be good-bye for M2s, and there is no way they have bonded enough to me for my face to be the last one they see. No. That's cruel. So fire or no fire, they're going all together into one large working room. I had last night a bright idea for an experiential learning activity to bolster them, but I didn't share it, not my job, no you can't have any more of my bright ideas for free. I can't even remember it, because instead of articulating it, before I could let my mind go down the road of helping these people anymore, I sat on Nebraska's face instead. STAY! The only problem with that approach to this life moment is that mounting this self -  pure frustration and grief and pent up longing for not-this and concentrated me-ness altogether packed into 100 pounds of marrow-made fury and condensed estrogen - makes a DIY bronco ride that ends in my squirting shutthefuckup. Under normal circumstances, I'd say a man who falls head over heels over that phenom is promising. But no, I've utterly had it, I'm just riding this out (ha). While he 🥰!  I'm like the guy in Rapture, miles away in his head through a blowjob. Jesus, being around guys might be turning me into one!! I'm pro trans, absolutely, but not planning to switch sides myself lol 🤦🏻‍♀️. 

Welp, today I'm doing nothing but wearing a killer dress and refusing to do anything else. ArmsCROSSY. Nebraska can handle it, since all this belongs to him, he should handle it all then, DO THAT. While I sit to the side in my boots, the students who have started to drift towards me all watching the look on my face. 👁

hoop dance national, hosted by the Heard Museum, that's the final 6 dancers for the win, in the circle dancing is a 2S+ activist in beading that takes a year to complete, trans blue&pink, the crowd cheering 100% love - that honestly made me weepy with gratitude for these people still existing 🙏 the emcee, a really old Seneca dude, made ICE jokes about delays, like they deported our sound guy but just to Flagstaff because it was closer (🤣), they could kind of give 2 flying fucks about us all killing each other, good riddance frankly...they agree with Jesuit Mary, come to think of it

Just maybe, they will put me on a plane home early. I just might be unpleasant 🖕 enough in my 👁 disapproving silence that it trumps 💦.

#notpeople

dangerous - joywave ft big data shazammed just outside the med school over ACOCADO FUCKING TOAST