wargirl - sass girl

vice barons - fuzzy and wild

neil diamond - traveling salvation show

I not feel how I should or want to feel.

My phone buzzes for the billionth time. I sigh, irked. Every one tells me to enjoy it, I deserve nice things blabla. TJ and are making meatballs. The phones brrbrrs again, I ignore it. He says, it's sexist, you know that right? What is? I know it's presented as constant affirmations of you, but it's sexist for a man to presume he has a right to a woman's attention. 🤔

Careless Whisper - A Misko (acoustic)

single woman holiday musings

I am lying on my bed watching Stav - his eplosive Greek giggle at his own jokes charms me. Nebraska is in Nebraska, which suits me just fine. It STILL occurs to me, every holiday, that I DO NOT HAVE TO GO ANYWHERE OR DEAL WITH A MOTHER IN LAW yay.

I can't imagine telling Nebraska about this blog. I can't imagine a lot of things in the category of happily ever after anymore. He can. He tells me every day how happy he is, how much he adores me, how much he wants to pamper me and care for me, how much he is looking forward to the rest of his life now that he has met me.

:/

I really wish he would stop talking. I'm just like, uh huh well um I guess you could buy me jewelry and stuff, trying to shut him up / cool him off. But it has the opposite effect. He's making noises about engagement rings and I'm just like omg dude that would have to be a rock so big I could barely lift my hand (followed by the longest engagement in history). And he is just like, I KNOW!

I run a lot of miles to twerkclass music. Black girls singing about jewelry. "I'll have you spending all you got lalalaaa" type stuff. Worldview: my phat ass is worth whatever you got just to touch it. And when I roll with that attitude, you'd think that'd be offputting, but nooope. Men want to be owned.

But I branded a man once, and that didn't turn out so great. It did lead to really great sex, though. Hmm 🤔

So that's the recipe maybe (?) =  I don't give a shit about your mama, I don't pack your lunch, I just demand jewelry and velvet dresses and orgasms. And I keep getting that.

My dominatrix name: Mistress Armscrossy. (lol)

Heteronormativity just isn't my strong suit.

my next writing project

Working title: "20 is the new 2: Putting kids through college while they continue to disrupt your sleep, force you to watch shit tv shows, cramp your sex life, give you the flu, refuse to eat their dinners, stink up your bathroom, barf regularly, and every other thing you imagined one day being free of (while you were still young enough to enjoy it)."

Table of contents (draft):

"What's for dinner?" - and other things they ALWAYS say when they're NOT SPEAKING TO YOU

"THEY - same pain in the ass in every gender"

"I broke my phone", classic texts after ignoring your texts for days

"I might have fucked up", classic texts before ignoring your texts for days

"Dad is okay with it", invoking the parent who doesn't have to live with their shit

"Stealing your pot and other no win situations"

"Stealing your vibrator batteries for the Xbox controller and other no win situations"

"We're out of beer", unhelpful texts from your yet-to-turn-21 little darling, as you drive home from long days at work

"Careful or you'll end up in my novel" and other passive aggressive highlights from their t-shirt collections

"Ok boomer" and other nonsensical insults at Gen-X parents

"I'm going to be a lawyer" and other expensive-tuition live-at-home-forever threats (bonus annoyance points if from your C-student)

"Meet my boygirltheyfriend, with whom I just broke up in the driveway, Merry Christmas"

"You're lucky I'm not a teenaged parent LIKE YOU WERE", and other charming rhetorical strategies

"You're turning into grandma",
 - shit they say when they want to force you to turn the radio from NPR to CumTown in the car

"We're out of toilet paper" - shit they say all the time that proves they literally couldn't wipe their own ass without you, and other ironies

winter soltice gift

living in the past - witch Bubblebubble toil and trouble. What is it you are ready to let go of and leave in the dark? Think of it and scratch yourself on a furry batch like ahhh of relief. I'll try to help on my end in my little way.

SMIB

something about a truck


I love hate my job. Love hate my boyfriend. Love hate the degree to which my kids are up my ass. I feel grateful and exasperated, capable and annoyed, nestled and trapped. I couldn't get any more crazyfeeling short of turning into a Gemini. 

Murder she wrote - Chaka demus ft pliers

love me right - twerk-squats class

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VIRGO. Emotional events are events. Even if they only happen inside you, they are happening. An unresolved state of being is like a storm, unpredictable and potentially destructive. It is your duty to tend to your feelings.

my spirit animal

"pawg"

I bought a holiday sale package of exercise dance classes at the blackladyowned studio around the corner. A little humiliation and a lot of sweaty effort followed by pain that I don't sufficiently regret not to do it again = I love it. (Sigh, indeed.)

Twerk-squats playlist
Mamacita - Santana, yg, tyga
Give it to me right or don't give it to me at all - Melanie fiona

I miss Paris. I mean I miss WORDS in that space, a text box not talking on the phone (ugh) or touching me. And music. A way for me to relate to anyone died when Paris died.

Alone. Quiet. Thinking. I shouldn't have drunk so much in NOLA. But he should have not. I know I started probably. So I felt in control of it. Then again, affirmative consent was not possible. Then again, then again. I did want to kiss him. But. Here is the thing that sticks in my craw: when it was he who was shitfaced once upon a time and allll over me, I tucked him in harmless as a lamb. No bruises. Something in me, in the relative safety of far from home deniability, wanted to test to see if that would go the other way.

Nope.

Men never can pledge allegiance to a womanfriend. Not really.

Can they?

I am thinking about it all. Men. The last months, almost a year now, my trying to Move On. Here is what I have learned: I don't like being backed into corners, pushed or controlled, made to compromise or attend, bullied, bruised, squelched. And I will seek that very thing out in order to lash out at it. I keep pushing it and pushing it, shoving, headbutting. Biting. Like a tick bite. And I have nobody to tell any of this to because my 'partner' is the exact person I could never tell anything that hurts.

(So that is how that feels...)

Yoga

zweat

Week of November 28th, 2019

♍ VIRGO

 (August 23-September 22)

In the follow-up story to Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, our heroine uses a magic mirror as a portal into a fantastical land. There she encounters the Red Queen, and soon the two of them are holding hands as they run as fast as they can. Alice notices that despite their great effort, they don't seem to be moving forward. What's happening? The Queen clears up the mystery: In her realm, you must run as hard as possible just to remain in the same spot. Sound familiar, Virgo? I'm wondering whether you've had a similar experience lately. If so, here's my advice: Stop running. Sit back, relax, and allow the world to zoom by you. Yes, you might temporarily fall behind. But in the meantime, you'll get fully recharged. No more than three weeks from now, you'll be so energized that you'll make up for all the lost time—and more.

NA$A-$

Lizzo-truth hurts
A$ et al - WAM
7000 cafe - AlexxBritton
Girl talk - let it out
Father John - I'm writing a novel
Dance monkey - tones and I
Iggy azalea - wanna
Brazilian Girls - don't stop (!)
Missy E - WORK IT and Throw it back
Janet - way love goes  (cool it)
Lana del Rey- doin time

Cool 👿

Play me a song


Yup. I can't do this. I don't think I can do this...

Him: blabla our former student something something American Studies bla
Me: our who?
Him: ex-wife blabla anyway she's in Honolulu at the archives I had no idea blabla so we're having dinner while I'm there
Me: how did you find out she was in the archive? (Weren't you supposed to be going to that archive??)
Him: Facebook. She posted a pic and I thought that's UH archive so I messaged her blablabla
Me: (not listening anymore)

Facebook, the forever home of perpetual scoundrels.

"sweat equity"

War on Drugs - Under the Pressure

On this darkest and most mysterious day of the season, it will be most fortuitous to send a sort of spell into the ether about what you intend, wish and believe you can make happen in the weeks to come. Do you dare stretch your faith into a future where what you want is already yours? Declare it. Reach your hand into the dark and claim it.

a Selfish spell ~ Health + Wealth

prep work, witch garden harvest, consolidate resources + bury bad habits, sacrificing alcohol entirely and the names of that which saps my energy. it's a good time of year to find a small coffin to bury under a black moon, a dawn rose climber planted on top as the moon slivers anew. I put a reflective energy trellis behind it, mirrors to catch moon and dawn light, and a good repurpose of an object I remember buying to protect my bed when I'd been hurt, on which I still sleep but a king size is in my future

Loneliness is very strange. If you think about it. By definition, there is nothing there to be having a feeling about.

I feel for you - Prince (vault acoustic)

Anxiety is strange.

My skin glows, my hair coils, my guts don't ache, my nails grow thick as do my haunches. Moonlight nzls my skin.

I seethe and bare my teeth, light growling ears back. Anybody in their right mind would avoid my snapping range.

Except.

At the center is a molten river of bitter sweet.

Sound and Fury (this is badass!)

I am damn difficult. I watch myself bristle and not able to help it. I am TRYING TO HELP IT, but can't, I am a terrible liar, if I am hissing on the inside there is no way to quiet it. It can be heard through my skin. Every time I see him, he has to deal with it all over again. I just SNARLHISS. I do not want to be touched (much), definitely do not want to talk about how anything feels (!), don't want to even say "I'm glad to see you too."  yeayea, patpatpat

Was I always like this?

My inner dialog: are you oppressive and clingy? Or are you a perfectly nice guy who has the misfortune of being bewitched by my ass? You look like you're just sitting nearby breathing, nothing overtly oppressive about that. But for whatever reason, because I know you're thinking about me, I want to kill you. Even though you came 1000 miles to sit there and breathe harmlessly.

😠😠😠😠😠

He stopped a movie we were watching just to hug me, and I swear I nearly ripped his throat out with me teeth. I literally shudder growled, and he laughed. He laughs through it, just keeps it up. Like I am feral cat "rescued", who is not into rescuing at all, and he just keeps at it with human equivalents of cans of tuna. Stuff I like. Until I relent and I'm like FINE JESUS CHRIST FUCK GOD DAMN IT *JUST STOP WITH THE WORDS* AND YES INCLUDING WORDS YOU ARE ONLY THINKING GRRRRRRRRR.....

Trainwereck used to say that he spent 2 years sneaking up on me, like Elmer Fudd with a cardboard bush. I think he says that crap to everybody. But it worked. I felt like I could skip all the hissing and go straight to the penis magic because I bought that bullshit story. This poor bastard has to try to RELATE to me. And I hate that. I dunno how anyone ever did that :/

I feel smothered.

Ugh

post Malone- circles

Stevie Wonder - All is Fair in Love

I'm teaching a graphic medicine course with the chair of biology next semester. Students will make comic books about illnesses / biological malfunctions and she will be in charge of their scientifiic accuracy. So I am pulling texts out of storage and out drops a 'bookmark', like a joke I decided to tell my future self, "hey remember when you were traumatized by finding hotel room charges on bank statements? ha ha ha"

Yesterday, The Girl's cat broke its leg. Just the most recent of many child-related meltdowns lately. (My kids are killing me, that is also part if the This Time, my kids being all old enough to routinely fuck themselves over and then come crying to me.) I spent the evening in a vet ER. Turns out that's a very funny place to hang out. Dogs do the dumbest shit. My favorite was the beagle named Scout who ate mulch, weighed 5 pounds more than the day before, so 5 pounds of mulch. He was cute and friendly with an innocent look on his face. He reminded me of Trainwreck. That beagle is definitely going end up in an ER again, no doubt about it. Lol.

I just can't.

VIRGO: It's textbook basic this weekend — romance sparks between two people who like the same things.

Naps?

The Tragically Hip - Tired as Fuck

Grown children are a pain in the ass. No, halfgrown...no...

...all children are a pain in the ass.

No, wait ... PEOPLE are a royal pain in the ass.

Yea, that's it.

Amusing myself.

Gigglegiggle gigglegigglegiggle 

snow blink - don't stop til you get enuf

Some of these that I posted years ago don't exist anymore, not on YouTube or spotify, nowhere unless you have the original CD. It took me two days to find this, after hearing it again all skipped and scratched on a CD from under my car seat. Then I decided ok I'm going to download all the music off my blog, but my blog didn't work on a pc. I hadn't looked at it years so I didn't know a widget had hacked it. It works ok on my phone mostly, I am posting this from my 6 year old phone right now, so (shrug). I'm too busy to solve all this. But I should. I should rescue all that music...

1 swing
2 cellos - best in show
3 vocal
4 piano ft Lord Darth
5 basement trance
6 solid bar coverband
7 acoustic, love the PAUSEresume 3-3:33 - runner up (?)

'born under a Pisces moon'

dreamville - down bad
Full moon in Pisces tonight, Fri the 13th. Harvest.

Virgo weekend - With love and car keys, it's always the last place you look. If you haven't found it yet, then you just haven't looked in the last place yet. 

spine work (move to it)

So much happened today. I can't even. And who would listen? Better to just sweat.

VIRGO To have this love in your life, whatever form it takes (and sometimes you believe that form to be far from ideal) is a major gift that you'll feel very appreciative of today.

When you tell Bug that she has to be nice, she says "OKAYOKAYFINE, jeeezus".

Kids grow up. They start unfurling feelings, picking companions and futures. It is very cute. It's also hard not to wince knowing that it never gets any easier.

I am the fickle one. I do not care about what ails you (stop whining), especially if that thing is me (then get someone else), and unless I ask you to play me a song - don't. I know Nebraska is already pissing and moaning and pining internally, it'll break him, my Built of No will drive him up a wall then into somebody's pants. And I just can't feel anything but grrrrrrr about that fact. The best/most I can do is tell him the truth. If you text me 'thinking of you' one more fucking time, I am going to send a boob shot to someone else. Seriously. I have options. So: Shut. Up.

Love is a kick in the head.

play me a song?

I am having to break up with (another) friend. I am very sad about it.

passenger - let go

VIRGO Part of enjoying yourself is knowing that you can come and go as you wish. Freedom is integral to your good experience and the good experiences of others.


Us.

overnight...

TODAY'S BIRTHDAY (Aug. 31). Good habits get created this solar year. It doesn't sound entirely glamorous, but it absolutely makes you more so. Self-directed people are always more attractive. The fun at the end of 2019 will include more money than you expected and an exciting way to invest it. A special and meaningful message starts in 2020. Libra and Leo adore you. Your lucky numbers are: 1, 13, 2, 17 and 31.

I am kind of obsessed with this song, listened to it 10x overnight, but as of this morning this is pick to orient my rudder.

watching

listening to

I am treating this year like trip. An intense backwoods ordeal. What do I need? Toilet paper, much prepared food, careful planning, a spending money budget, back up plans. All the help I can get (light fixture stilllll.. ). I busted my ass last week and ate nothing but hostess and calorie heavy beer. Talked to nobody except to manage children and staff. No co equals for venting support much cz men only work in my same channel and men, well, they're WORK in themselves. They snap at you or whine at you and are no refuge at all, especially if they want to have sex with you, or even worse ever have already, then to them you are just not even a person really. When my father said, to which my sister threw dinner at him recently, that women are just knot holes on a piece of wood, he was just being honest.

I went Sarah Connor on this shit.

VIRGO: You deserve all of these loads of love that will be heaped on you. 

(gross lol)

Campus opens today. My job is fucking killing me.

This helps.

Did rednecks kill your focks?

Nebraska and/in Wisconsin. Both won me over. Against the odds and over my best worst behavior to discourage love of me altogether.

I feel hateful regarding men and have always hated Wisconsin because both make, have made, me feel like shit. Just utter shit. Not hard math, you slap me down and I feel like shit. Unwanted ft Throttled. But what if neither made me feel like that anymore? Answer: I want a pontoon boat. So much so that I actually went to see this, walked the boatslip channel, went to the wading beach that I first swam at as a baby, planted a garden in my head on the double lot side where the clothesline waits on a tilt.

And the kids. All of them piled in on each other us alone together debriefing in the jeep that smelled like baby pee and cheese. Laughing. TJ says, "Your dad told us that women are just a bunch of orifices." A BUNCH?!, jeeesuz, how many is a BUNCH d'ya think? The baby says "jeezus!", and we all crack up.

VIRGO It's a strange thing to fully possess your world when you know it will not be the same tomorrow. To embrace the evanescent is foolish, desperate, impossible and the most beautiful way to live.

That is utterly true. And also very funny to read while sitting on the shitter in a 2 star motel in Toledo, all the kids bouncing off the walls at dawn wanting breakfast, on my way to WI, my crazy dad there waiting for me, a suitor waiting somewhere up there too, all the swirling needs and wants of me all around me behind and in front in space and time. 

 I feel overburdened and overly full of myself by turns, overtired and in need of a solid spanking by turns. "What are you doing?" I ignore it. I do a lot of ignoring. "You need a good spanking, ya know that?" Yes.

Kids growing up and away, freeing and berefting me.

At least two different ways at all times I feel about almost everything. Like this blog. On off on off, private semiprivate, over it. Then not over it some more.

I am going to WI. Talk about feeling at least two ways. Hate love and everything between about that place.

I had to take it for a work retreat this week - I think these are bullshit. And yet, INFJ-A = how could I NOT feel odd perpetually?

we could leave the night on - sam somebody

play me a song?

cole swindel -too late
(Just a pretty song.)

Congrats, Virgo! You are beginning the denouement of your yearly cycle. Anything you do to resolve lingering conflicts and finish up old business will yield fertile rewards. Fate will conspire benevolently in your behalf as you bid final goodbyes to the influences you'll be smart not to drag along with you into the new cycle that will begin in a few weeks. To inspire your holy work, I give you this poem by Virgo poet Charles Wright: "Knot by knot I untie myself from the past / And let it rise away from me like a balloon. / What a small thing it becomes. / What a bright tweak at the vanishing point, blue on blue."

the curl

Me: happy birthday Dad
Him: I'm still alive
Me: clearly
Him: so you're coming on the 10th or 11th?
Me: yes
Him: and you're staying here with the boys?
Me: the boys are staying with you, I'm going to work in Stevens Point for a few days
Him: why don't I go with you and leave the boys here?
Me: oh hell No! spend time with your grandchildren, I'm going north to work and going on a date, you're not invited to either
Him: is the family meeting the date?
Me: maybe? (not)
Him: whatever, you go through men like flies anyway
Me: first of all, I don't need you saying stupid shit like that to some poor guy whose only crime is liking me, and what the fuck does "going through a fly" even mean?
Him: I mean they come and go like flies
Me: (sigh) Dad, you are really going to have to get over Aar**, everyone is over him but you
Him: that fucker
Me: he did his best
Him: bring the date so I can start hating him
Me: uh huh, until I go through him like a fly?


How could anyone wonder at my ambivalence toward men and my sporadic urge to tackle wack scratch them?