I ventured out today for the first time, aside from fake-work-okay, excruciating to hold like an uncomfortable sitting position on a tack. This in its way was worse. I had coffee with a friend, in whose eyes I saw myself reflected back. A quiet composed total fucking wreck.

I am really not going to be okay. I will not "recover". Sunlight shines right through me back to front through rent holes.

Whoever I will be in the other side of this, if at all and not dead of heartbreak syndrome cancer whatever (a real physical way to die fyi), is not me now nor me before this, and not someone I can imagine yet at all. That me is not someone I know. I don't even know what to hope she will be or be like.