I have only one prior experience of a hot tub and it wasn't my experience ft. it wasn't a good one for me (someone I loved banged someone else in one, cementing hot tubs in my mind as something belonging to any other woman but me surely). I never in a million buttgillion years saw this coming. Any of it. And I am at this moment literally exhausted by the emotions of it all. Happy, a lot. Bracing myself for the end of happy too, a LOT, until every muscle is sore from the effort. He says "Never doubt that I love you". I don't doubt it. I just know that sometimes doesn't matter worth a god damn. People hurt you, they hurt themselves, they even kill themselves and/or you passively or actively. They sometimes have to do those things. And on top of all that, pianos fall on us all from time to time. There is no way around it. This will rip my heart out sooner or later. He reads my mind. He says "If you're going to chew me up and spit me out in little bloody pieces, I'd still choose this, like o well then that's what'll have to happen".