So I'm done w the forum transforming with possibilities conference thingy and it was allll goooood, it was. For Ears, it was good, bc for a second I could stop hating his teacher so bad that I want to beat her to death with the bloody end of her own arm, and in that space of time we rewrote his History Day project to his own satisfaction, creating the possibility of his own satisfaction with his work being central to his education. And off he went with his new paper, happy as a clam.

Then the school called and requested a conference - Now, I know that my assumption that that Fucking Bitch of a Cunt of a Teacher is having some problem with the paper = a story I'm telling myself. I'm telling myself the story that just when the kid is okay for a second, they instinctively want to shit all over it to make themselves feel big because they're all so ugly that they haven't gotten laid since the dawn of time and never will. (That might only be true of me, actually.) The only FACT is that the school called, and all the rest that is in my head right now is only that, bullshit in my head that makes me upset. But. I want to get a gun and go over there and put it to her head until she pees her pants right now, that's the rub. And I realize I'm only going to ruin my own day with those feelings, but that realization only makes me want to ruin her day too with my feelings. I think I might be a terminal Asshole, no matter how many conferences I sign up for.

>:(

I'm trying so hard, but it's so not easy. I can try to let my feelings lead me to actions that are keeping with my goals and principles, and when they're in line with each other that's great, and when they're not well then it's kind of hellish. I know that that creates the change you need bc you're forced into it finally, to either feel like shit and keep situations that make you feel like that (martyrdom) or change the way you feel about them some kinda way (revelation?) or change the situation (generally my pick, and where I rediscover how capable I am if I have to be). But. See that question mark after "revelation"? That's because changing the way I feel about a situation when that situation itself is what it is and isn't going to change, huh, that one often escapes or stumps me. How do you do that? And life isn't fair, so situations that are way less than ideal and that's that are inevitable.

At the end, the guy who was running the conference said "I want you to have big breakdowns, bc the only way to never have big breakdowns is to have no big commitments. If you commit yourself to big things, then you'll fail sometimes inevitably. And that's perfect, it means you're trying to be truly alive." I'm trying to keep that in mind, hoping my guts will follow (and my heart will hold up).

John Dissed: Christmas with the Devil (Spinal Tap)