I haven’t yet had the nerve to ask FaintedInk what she wears to work because how geeky is that? (very) Flying solo then on the question of corporate environs vis a vis my wardrobe, I conclude that the glow-in-the-dark MEOW panties can stay (who’ll know?), but that my t-shirt collection is probably not going to be spot on. So I drag my butt to the mall a couple of times, the excuse being that really a person my age ought to have at least a few ensembles that do not include any thrift store elements . . . but I just can’t hold that thought after the reconnaissance. I do not mean to offend any of my younger loved ones, but apparently if you were still crapping your pants in the 80’s you might not realize this: THEY WERE UGLY YEARS. Rules of thumb:

• A leotard is not an outfit. (Let’s review: No.)
• Leopard print leggings are never a good idea.
• Leopard print anything is never a good idea.
• A 3-inch belt over a sweater will bunch the thing up on your ass something terrible.
• Faux fur edged down alternative hooded coats are sold at Farm & Fleet, as is everything Will Geer wore on The Waltons, and so unless you’re into cow tipping . . . .
• Stiletto ankle boots might have some purpose, but not often and probably not in public.
• Dalman sleeves maybe, but be careful of the Maud factor.
• Cowl necks are similarly suspect.
• Don’t. Rat. Your. Hair. (On purpose anyway. I mean, if it gets that way riding behind Prince on a purple motorcycle, I can kinda see the retro appeal, but otherwise no.) And bangs should never go as far up first as they come down thereafter.
• Ideally, earrings should be neither the size of your head nor red.

I love Paula, but do you see her wearing bubble shorts and leg warmers lately? And then, on top of the assault to eyes, the mall adds a retro xmas soundtrack. Can someone please shoot Elton and put him out of my misery? MY EYES!! MY EARS!!! AAAAHhhh.

Age has some benefits. We haven’t died, we’ve moved on. Catch up.

Cyndi Lauper lately – At Last