be nice to tuck a hot tub behind the little garage, facing west, hidden everyway else, a privacy fence to hide the buildings but not the horizon

recalling the paradox in responsibility. It seems like the opposite of freedom, but the more we take responsibility for, the more we can control. And that sense of control gives us freedom from helplessness

responsibility is hard helpnessness is hell

we slept in our clothes ft not budging 

"To not fit in is to stand out. While that can feel like something to strive for, it can create profound loneliness for those who traverse the world when no place truly feels like home....Being constantly reminded that you are not enough to meet some quantifiable standard or that you have “too much” of something ambiguous or unidentifiable can pummel your self-esteem and confidence almost to nonexistence. Or worse, you might try to conform and fit in, only to have it backfire entirely and send you into the depths of your shadows." ~Healing the Liminal

#mandown

Speaking of down, the government has fucked off apparently. I got an email from a former student (my congressman) informing me. Except delaying my closing until ??, uhhh, the national news is like hearing about what an ex is up to, only less relevant. 

After all this, from stopping drinking through a hunger strike through hair hurling through the homeless kids crisis through fighting off Dying through my mother shooting through here dropping truth bombs and huckleberry cousins through the selling of my house and now not-selling it also through my oldest friend here dying then my dad dying through moving (and moving and moving) under duress of money and personally hounded, uhhhh my fucks vending machine is pretty                                depleted. And not one single fuck went to the government.