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| "sunrise" |
Saturday, October 25, 2025
was gonna unblog this but decided it's a poem
"Survive"
survive - louis capaldi new song, I heard today,
another echoing voice from something,
posted when Huck crossed my mind a few years ago ,
I wonder what was happening then.
Then, I
bought a gun, the last glock in the case
and bullets ("ammo" they call it, like fodder for an argument), last box
and a safe, 2nd to last one he is holding
(I love nice to me, it's unsettling)
"Good feelings are the real value added. Even when something is paid for as a commodity, the gift of relationship is still attached to it." ~The Serviceberry
and new deadlocks installed on every door
and checked in for my flight, upgrading the seat
(to be left alone)
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| funny, pulling this particular card means "you are never alone / angels walk with you" |
Friday, October 24, 2025
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| WildOnes blueprints |
When I first looked at those blueprints, I thought, well, I can do some of that. But the longer I look at them, I think nothing is stopping me from doing all of it. And more. This little quarter acre could serve hundreds of species of birds and pollinators, a little island for them where there is literally nothing now except shitty grass covering fantastic loamy soil that goes down as far as we could dig, four feet at least. Did you know that cheektowaga means place of crab apple trees? Even the nativists didn't mention that. The kind of soil I have is made only one way, by the death of many things that have turned themselves and history into nutrients, quietly waiting and churning and waiting some more, becoming richer in themselves as men paid no attention except to the airport.
Maybe it wasn't my mother who put me here at all. She just heard it through the grapevine ๐. I have tried to puzzle it out. But I have no eathly idea why I am here. I can make myself useful, though. Maybe that is the only reason, to be useful to a butterfly. A beautiful tiny reason of no obvious importance.
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| keep them on they toes |
Thursday, October 23, 2025
Wednesday, October 22, 2025
closing day
Tuesday, October 21, 2025
full on English prof ๐๐ข mojo: future present tense - ariel posen I am weirdly turned on by grammar. I just like knowing it even as I break every rule in practice. future present tense, drove me fucking crazy learning it in Latin, but that's how I learned it (backwards) in English = obscure af knowledge lol. Use value: How you would project past (a thing that happened or exists) which cannot be changed, into the future (which is unconstrained, 'somewhere you have never been') and speak of that as being created/experienced presently. Usually used aspirationally. ex "The dam breaks tomorrow." Not will break - it already has done, tomorrow. If ever you need that verb tense, fyi.
reference feel this way too - ariel posen posted for Huck on May 22nd, 6 months ago tomorrow, every single wordnote of it, and since then soooo much talk of couches that they must be symbolic, but of what
Monday, October 20, 2025
I had a great day. Nothing special happened except people were nice to me. Really nice, starting with roofing lady calling me "honey". I could do a whole post just on the lock guy, a safe nerd, and how today's failure of ring doorbells proves the worth of his analog approach to my safety. I walked into the wrong meeting (no boots needed til Wed lol), but since I was there I ran to the front and tackled my boss with a bear hug ๐ฅฐ if he he weren't married, I might marry that one. Then I heard a great new song that I'll post after it's sunk in a little more. (You ever do that? Are drawn to something instinctively but then gotta figure out why?) The shrink was last, she likes it when I am her last appt because I make her laugh and we can chit chat for extra precious unbillable minutes, hell I can have two appointments worth of time shooting the shit about how crazy Everything is. I just really like it when someone is genuinely nice to me. Like if the shrink is cracking up on her own time, she ain't getting anything outa that but nice back, ya know?
I am in recovery from the meangirl factor of this whole tribe, what I thought was mine but. Wow. No. Now I know there is a smell called "physician". Even if not in white coat, even if currently serving in an academic capacity whatever, the smell lingers. It's sort of a phermone they give off with notes of 'I don't give a shit' and 'I can have/do whatever I want' and money. It's offputting to me, though many are drawn to it. The whole tribe has traces of physician education stink, but they're not all like that, especially the physicians themselves, the ones who are genuinely kind, they give off a counter-chemical. It's always war, though, at best an uphill battle for decency all the time, a losing bruising battle. But I still like the work / my original job. I won't submit anything this year or moderate, nothing that would put me on the program. If I go at all, it'd talking to no one, listening keenly. No name tag. But. I mean. Where who why will I even be next April? I can't really think of that far away as real.
From inception, when I posted a song by Ariel Posen for Huck, we are almost exactly half way through a if-it-lasts-a-year's worth of whatever this is/was. Trippy thought ๐ค๐คท๐ป♀️๐ฅฑ
Relationships are like feelings: none is more or less correct than another. Each is a unique, unfolding dynamic. Some people are easier to be around, but that doesn't determine the value of the bond.
Sunday, October 19, 2025
Saturday, October 18, 2025
tree day
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| good tired ft naptime |
three trees, pear elm and tulip poplar, two serviceberry bushes, one new neighborhood friend, 3rd little tree in the middle, a tulip poplar ๐ฅฐ came from his nursery up the road & 150 members locally
everybody wants to rule the world - tears for fears "help me make the most of freedom and of pleasure la la laaaaa" not bad actually #retrowise
The Tears for Fears song suggests, "Everybody wants to rule the world," though the mess is bigger than one person could clean up. How does your corner look? Since this existence is built out of small, human-scale moments, micro decency just might count toward macro justice. What if world peace strongly correlates to how you treat the person pouring your coffee?
I say that allllllll the time. In every class evvver. And it is my stance re why I don't march around yelling about Blowhard or even engage with that shit. In my opinion, grand gestures of heroics are fine, but in the everyday is where it's at. In the shallots, so to speak.
When I got home with the dogs yesterday, I felt like Nebraska had been in here. It's just that cortisol tripwire in my head, I know this. Tea bags next to the bed (wtf? I didn't..) could have been any kid in the chaos. But I am not going to argue with my brain unless it goes overboard and wants a moat. Ring doorbells will also be installed and all locks changed to harder ones. Today. Those are reasonable things, just in a virgo timeframe.
Friday, October 17, 2025
time is of the essence
hold me - teskey brothers love his voice, these soulful cracker types really do it for me
Hold someone but not hold them down. I think about this a lot. How to? With my kids too. "I want you to be happy for me" lifted a weight off my chest, permission to feel that at all. I mean, think about that, I'm supposedly (very supposedly lol) in the role of woman wanting to fuck this guy and yet I haven't felt a mote of happiness for his divorce since it became real. That's funny to me. (I sure felt happy about it the first time ๐คญ) Welp, with permission, the more divorced he is the happier (for him) I'll be. And I hope he gets fired, quits, whatever, a serious break from death all of the time. Both, the partner and the job gotta go. He's right, blowing everything up hurts. DUH. It kicked my ass for well over a year. And I ain't plumped back up a bit yet.
Loving somebody is itself a weight, a grounding comforting one is what you're going for, I think, but sometimes there's grief(s) that weighs on you. seems unavoidable, doesn't it? like that saying, love is grief backwards. In the end, you'll be out of do-overs and lose everything so you should love as if time is of the essence.
time is of the essence - that's a beautiful phrase, now that I'm looking at it ....
....so I looked it up, and lo and behold, that thing passed on Oct 3rd for my little can't quite pull it off (yet) buyer ๐คจ good thing I always allow late work out of everyday decency ๐
- Contract law: The phrase first appeared in legal contracts to stress the importance of meeting specified deadlines.
Thursday, October 16, 2025
Comet Will Be Visible Tonight In Western New York *unless you live next to a fucking airport
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| welp at least that pesky simmer has sputtered |
Tuesday, October 14, 2025
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| happiness isn't one fell swoop |
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| it sparkles with gold flecks that catch the light, and it makes me happy to look at it when I pee #eyetalian |
Rereading this, I am noticing the 'always smiling and fun' part. She went on, gap smile etc "happy". If that is true, if he has been that way in recent memory, that's a HER thing. God, if only I could make him feel any better. She's like a human stiff drink.
life to fix - the record company bonus track๐บ
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| one for the closing, one for opening(s) up |
Monday, October 13, 2025
margaritaville (sp) - jimmy buffet
I just danced. hahahaha Remember when I always danced as soon as I heard the store music, wherever we went? I couldn't help it, I was delightful
Sunday, October 12, 2025
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| word of the day |
"The word is hubris. And while I am all in favour of using precision to describe something, might I suggest that you would be better off not doing something so dangerous so often that you need a specific word for it? Perhaps develop your self-control, rather than your vocabulary."~Stone Blind
Saturday, October 11, 2025
That he wants to be bothered, engaged with, invited here (out of his manden), etc - that is not operationally true. If I keep inviting him in, and he keeps refusing, it just sets a pattern of giving him another reason to feel bad. I do not want to be another reason for him to feel bad. So logically, I should leave him alone.
I'll try again after my mother is here.
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| There are no lower stakes than a bowl of soup, but I have refused it too. #glasshouse |
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| aloner than I want, but ok |
A straight up proposition (like, 'you would maybe be happier licking my pussy right now') might be better than soup. But, I wouldn't bet on that. I am leaving him be.
"It’s often hard to say with men, isn’t it?" ~ Stone Blind, Natalie Haynes
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| gumbo, first me-made-meal |
The Trustfall Test
By Holiday Mathis
October 11, 2025
To release the grip, whether in emotions, creativity, intimacy or other, signals a belief that there's something to cradle the fall or, ultimately, there's something better to surrender to. Trustfalls only end well with trustworthy people and circumstances. The Venus and Jupiter opposition warns against lazy investments of faith and calls for strategies based on observable patterns.
no song
Friday, October 10, 2025
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| "ha ha" |
harvest - mumford&sons dreamy
"He had a word, too. Love, he called it. But I had been used to words for a long time. I knew that that word was like the others: just a shape to fill a lack; that when the right time came, you wouldn't need a word for that" ~ As I Lay Dying
Thursday, October 09, 2025
Tuesday, October 07, 2025
I am trying to get Alexa to play cottage music at me, but it won't, and I don't want cowboys to make me cry right now. It's a pickle ๐ค. So I think it is gonna come down to just forcing myself to get my laptop working / pay bills fractionally across the board. Then reading a novel in bed and until it's time to pick up a kid and feed them, content short of "goosebumps, a sweet or sour taste in your mouth, or an uncanny pull." Like golden olden times.
Monday, October 06, 2025
Sunday, October 05, 2025
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| o yea, I have a kitchen herb garden here, marjoram for sausage even, I should plant one in Cheekdavegas too |
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| "hard times for everyone" #fridgeart |
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| one call got rid of everything but the truck, and he will be back to clean and put guard in the gutters soon as he heard PB had fucked off #colonyfriend #javajeff |
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| love the hourly changing yellow |
Saturday, October 04, 2025
thinking out loud - ed sheeran the music alexa plays at the cottage is a whole different vibe
I hear what I think might be the chickens scratching around and I jump up and run to the door. But it's just a man, the one who lives in Cheekdavegas (my neighbor 2x over now) ignoring the burn ban and building a refuse fire, as they all do at the end of the season. On all sides, I am surrounded by pick-up trucks driven by barrel-built pig-headed descendants of the colony founders ..
me: you would think, given these conditions, I could attract something other than a Pussy Bitch
her (daughter 1): ๐คฃ๐คฃ๐คฃ๐คฃ๐คฃ
me: that is just the right thing to call him, so much trouble caused by just a Pussy Bitch
her: totally
me: which makes me I don't even know what, besides an idiot
us: ๐คฃ๐คฃ๐คฃ๐คฃ๐คฃ๐คฃ
her: just not a good fit (ha hem, she rephrases politely)
me: these guys around here have no fucks to give about the news either, burn ban their ass, cz NEWSFLASH it's October
her: to tal ly, it's refuse burn time duh
me: yup, and if the dry spells get bad enough with the 0% forethought about land management it's not sustainable. and yet, fuck you
her: yup, fuck you, those are your people ๐คฃ
me: and yours, ms hairy armpits homeschooler
her: yup, I want to be in the country
me: yup and on my terms, not theirs either, cz FUCK YOU TOO
us: ๐คฃ๐คฃ๐คฃ๐คฃ๐คฃ๐คฃ๐คฃ
her: you're not a joiner
me: nooooooo obviously epic fail, and yet
her: dudes with pick-up trucks
me: under this feeling like just punched and punched until I flinch at a breeze shaking all the time relearning to eat like I've had a fucking stroke ๐ญ๐ญ๐ญ๐ญ, but under all that
her: past a lot of it
me: god this closing thing and all the drama (shudder), that closing has to go through
her: she hasn't made a sound in like 30 minutes
me: there is nothing like growing up with beach access, nature in general
her: K has an interview for $28/hr here, I don't want to go back
me: I don't want to go back either, the closong has to go through or I will drown
her: well let's each pray for each other to get what they need
me: I think it's a full harvest moon, let's light a candle
her: does a birthday candle count? alls I got
me: in these trying times, flicking a lighter and holding it up counts
us: ๐คฃ๐คฃ๐คฃ๐คฃ๐คฃ๐คฃ๐คฃ๐คฃ๐คฃ
I like to look at the same trees, watching them change in the light.
Friday, October 03, 2025
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| first time |















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