"sunrise"

was gonna unblog this but decided it's a poem

"Survive"

survive - louis capaldi new song, I heard today,

another echoing voice from something, 

posted when Huck crossed my mind a few years ago ,

I wonder what was happening then.

Then, I 

bought a gun, the last glock in the case

and bullets ("ammo" they call it, like fodder for an argument), last box

and a safe, 2nd to last one he is holding 

(I love nice to me, it's unsettling) 

"Good feelings are the real value added. Even when something is paid for as a commodity, the gift of relationship is still attached to it." ~The Serviceberry

and new deadlocks installed on every door

and checked in for my flight, upgrading the seat 

(to be left alone)

funny, pulling this particular card means "you are never alone / angels walk with you"

 

VIRGO Even if you understood why people behave the way they do, it wouldn't change what's happening. Sometimes people are just plain confusing. Don't worry if you can't figure them out; you don't need to. Today's situation will smooth over on its own.

WildOnes blueprints

When I first looked at those blueprints, I thought, well, I can do some of that. But the longer I look at them, I think nothing is stopping me from doing all of it. And more. This little quarter acre could serve hundreds of species of birds and pollinators, a little island for them where there is literally nothing now except shitty grass covering fantastic loamy soil that goes down as far as we could dig, four feet at least. Did you know that cheektowaga means place of crab apple trees? Even the nativists didn't mention that. The kind of soil I have is made only one way, by the death of many things that have turned themselves and history into nutrients, quietly waiting and churning and waiting some more, becoming richer in themselves as men paid no attention except to the airport. 

Maybe it wasn't my mother who put me here at all. She just heard it through the grapevine 🙏. I have tried to puzzle it out. But I have no eathly idea why I am here. I can make myself useful, though. Maybe that is the only reason, to be useful to a butterfly. A beautiful tiny reason of no obvious importance.

keep them on they toes

 

GONE day

 

"status: gone"

As soon as I could legally do so, I registered my forwarding address as a po box in the middle of absolute nowhere on sovereign territory, a Dead End. It's just dust, easily seen through, but buys time.

closing day

I should be elated or at least relieved. But, what changed really? 

just a kiss - lady A cover (8 year old kid rapping it) inspired interpretation of the original lyrics

full on English prof 👓👢 mojo: future present tense - ariel posen I am weirdly turned on by grammar. I just like knowing it even as I break every rule in practice. future present tense, drove me fucking crazy learning it in Latin, but that's how I learned it (backwards) in English = obscure af knowledge lol. Use value: How you would project past (a thing that happened or exists) which cannot be changed, into the future (which is unconstrained, 'somewhere you have never been') and speak of that as being created/experienced presently. Usually used aspirationally. ex "The dam breaks tomorrow." Not will break - it already has done, tomorrow. If ever you need that verb tense, fyi.

reference feel this way too - ariel posen posted for Huck on May 22nd, 6 months ago tomorrow, every  single  wordnote  of  it, and since then soooo much talk of couches that they must be symbolic, but of what

I had a great day. Nothing special happened except people were nice to me. Really nice, starting with roofing lady calling me "honey". I could do a whole post just on the lock guy, a safe nerd, and how today's failure of ring doorbells proves the worth of his analog approach to my safety. I walked into the wrong meeting (no boots needed til Wed lol), but since I was there I ran to the front and tackled my boss with a bear hug 🥰 if he he weren't married, I might marry that one. Then I heard a great new song that I'll post after it's sunk in a little more. (You ever do that? Are drawn to something instinctively but then gotta figure out why?) The shrink was last, she likes it when I am her last appt because I make her laugh and we can chit chat for extra precious unbillable minutes, hell I can have two appointments worth of time shooting the shit about how crazy Everything is. I just really like it when someone is genuinely nice to me. Like if the shrink is cracking up on her own time, she ain't getting anything outa that but nice back, ya know? 

I am in recovery from the meangirl factor of this whole tribe, what I thought was mine but. Wow. No. Now I know there is a smell called "physician". Even if not in white coat, even if currently serving in an academic capacity whatever, the smell lingers. It's sort of a phermone they give off with notes of 'I don't give a shit' and 'I can have/do whatever I want' and money. It's offputting to me, though many are drawn to it. The whole tribe has traces of physician education stink, but they're not all like that, especially the physicians themselves, the ones who are genuinely kind, they give off a counter-chemical. It's always war, though, at best an uphill battle for decency all the time, a losing bruising battle. But I still like the work / my original job. I won't submit anything this year or moderate, nothing that would put me on the program. If I go at all, it'd talking to no one, listening keenly. No name tag. But. I mean. Where who why will I even be next April? I can't really think of that far away as real. 

From inception, when I posted a song by Ariel Posen for Huck, we are almost exactly half way through a if-it-lasts-a-year's worth of whatever this is/was. Trippy thought 🤔🤷🏻‍♀️🥱

Relationships are like feelings: none is more or less correct than another. Each is a unique, unfolding dynamic. Some people are easier to be around, but that doesn't determine the value of the bond.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). People are confusing and confused. 

tree day

“Serviceberries show us another model, one based upon reciprocity, where wealth comes from the quality of your relationships, not from the illusion of self-sufficiency.” Robin Kimmerer, The Serviceberry

good tired ft naptime

three trees, pear elm and tulip poplar, two serviceberry bushes, one new neighborhood friend, 3rd little tree in the middle, a tulip poplar 🥰 came from his nursery up the road & 150 members locally 

everybody wants to rule the world - tears for fears "help me make the most of freedom and of pleasure la la laaaaa" not bad actually #retrowise

The Tears for Fears song suggests, "Everybody wants to rule the world," though the mess is bigger than one person could clean up. How does your corner look? Since this existence is built out of small, human-scale moments, micro decency just might count toward macro justice. What if world peace strongly correlates to how you treat the person pouring your coffee? 

I say that allllllll the time. In every class evvver. And it is my stance re why I don't march around yelling about Blowhard or even engage with that shit. In my opinion, grand gestures of heroics are fine, but in the everyday is where it's at. In the shallots, so to speak. 

card of the day, and we are literally planting trees. they have root balls the size of small cars (I didn't realize!) so everybody is coming, lots of "fuuuuuuck!"s and kids will be rolling in dirt (shit where am I gonna put all that dirt?) but by the end, two trees shall have joined our little cheektovegas community

When I got home with the dogs yesterday, I felt like Nebraska had been in here. It's just that cortisol tripwire in my head, I know this. Tea bags next to the bed (wtf? I didn't..) could have been any kid in the chaos. But I am not going to argue with my brain unless it goes overboard and wants a moat. Ring doorbells will also be installed and all locks changed to harder ones. Today. Those are reasonable things, just in a virgo timeframe. 

time is of the essence

hold me - teskey brothers love his voice, these soulful cracker types really do it for me

Hold someone but not hold them down. I think about this a lot. How to? With my kids too. "I want you to be happy for me" lifted a weight off my chest, permission to feel that at all. I mean, think about that, I'm supposedly (very supposedly lol) in the role of woman wanting to fuck this guy and yet I haven't felt a mote of happiness for his divorce since it became real. That's funny to me. (I sure felt happy about it the first time 🤭) Welp, with permission, the more divorced he is the happier (for him) I'll be. And I hope he gets fired, quits, whatever, a serious break from death all  of  the  time. Both, the partner and the job gotta go. He's right, blowing everything up hurts. DUH. It kicked my ass for well over a year. And I ain't plumped back up a bit yet.

Loving somebody is itself a weight, a grounding comforting one is what you're going for, I think, but sometimes there's grief(s) that weighs on you. seems unavoidable, doesn't it? like that saying, love is grief backwards. In the end, you'll be out of do-overs and lose everything so you should love as if time is of the essence.

time is of the essence - that's a beautiful phrase, now that I'm looking at it ....

....so I looked it up, and lo and behold, that thing passed on Oct 3rd for my little can't quite pull it off (yet) buyer 🤨 good thing I always allow late work out of everyday decency 🙄

The saying "time is of the essence" originated in English contract law as a legal term to emphasize that a deadline is a critical part of an agreement. If a contract contains a "time is of the essence" clause, failing to meet the deadline can be considered a breach of contract, potentially leading to penalties. The phrase has since expanded to be used more generally to mean that a situation is urgent. 

Legal origin

• Contract law: The phrase first appeared in legal contracts to stress the importance of meeting specified deadlines.

Comet Will Be Visible Tonight In Western New York  *unless you live next to a fucking airport

welp at least that pesky simmer has sputtered
 

happiness isn't one fell swoop

it sparkles with gold flecks that catch the light, and it makes me happy to look at it when I pee #eyetalian

I talked to my mother today and I can't really ever capture the nuances of The Knife in writing. You always had to be there. But. She was on speaker phone with Ears here for dinner. She's deaf as a post, yelling into the phone as if I am deaf. She asked a rather explicit question about Huck 🙄, and Ears died laughing as I was like NO! (shouting cz she's deaf), he's BUSY 🙄. Then she said something like "fine, I'm keeping him" cz he's always SMILING and FUN and IF YOURE NOT GONNA USE HIM, HE CAN BE ANOTHER GRANDSON. (There it is, the juicy butterknifing, there's always a doozy lol.) Now I'm laughing and Ears is like NO! 🤨 No, Ma it's more like 2nd cousin. WHAT? Ears and I both, COUSIN! 🤣🤣

Rereading this, I am noticing the 'always smiling and fun' part. She went on, gap smile etc "happy". If that is true, if he has been that way in recent memory, that's a HER thing. God, if only I could make him feel any better. She's like a human stiff drink. 

Update: One "opening" prayer granted, after much hell, through which they / we hung tight. Daughter 1 & Co. landed a $30/hr job, overtime $50 - for them that is life changing money, and a loooong overdue opportunity for that hardworking black man, who has been busting his ass without earning dignity or security since the pandemic. 

At this moment, I truly believe that being okay (for real) is a significant act of resistance ✊️. 

-------------- 

a.m. finding songs to which my ass moves of its own accord. because unlike me, my ass is still delightful (and cold as ice).

ice ice baby - fake music labs soul cover 💃 (everybody I sent this to today is ❤️ losing it, asses a.m. shaking all over WNY lol)

life to fix - the record company bonus track🕺

one for the closing, one for opening(s) up

margaritaville (sp) - jimmy buffet

I just danced. hahahaha Remember when I always danced as soon as I heard the store music, wherever we went? I couldn't help it, I was delightful 

on second thought, gonna reblog this bit (for you). he says a lot there must be a reason my name is on his ass, but he doesn't know/say what it is. I asked myself that question before he turned up again (sorta), not to make any sense of him but to find me again:

'Other than my ma and my kids, there was never anyone more delightABLE than he was. (A rare thing in a man - they're hopelessly dangerously miserable mostly, like Tbone 💔.)  That included his body (all of it, not just his dick) and his mind (quick to laugh), in every way. I could delight him all damn day (= I could be delightful all day every day)...'

of course I didn't anticipate that he had anything like this shitstorm in front of him - the rehab, his parents re his divorces, the stages of grief, this playing in the sandbox situation - none of it. he mighta misplaced delightABLE in all that while I was misplacing delightful, z'all I'm sayin

it's soo soft

"I love a good throw"

word of the day

leave me be - landon wilks 

"The word is hubris. And while I am all in favour of using precision to describe something, might I suggest that you would be better off not doing something so dangerous so often that you need a specific word for it? Perhaps develop your self-control, rather than your vocabulary."~Stone Blind

That he wants to be bothered, engaged with, invited here (out of his manden), etc  - that is not operationally true. If I keep inviting him in, and he keeps refusing, it just sets a pattern of giving him another reason to feel bad. I do not want to be another reason for him to feel bad. So logically, I should leave him alone.

I'll try again after my mother is here.  

There are no lower stakes than a bowl of soup, but I have refused it too. #glasshouse

aloner than I want, but ok

A straight up proposition (like, 'you would maybe be happier licking my pussy right now') might be better than soup. But, I wouldn't bet on that. I am leaving him be.

"It’s often hard to say with men, isn’t it?" ~ Stone Blind, Natalie Haynes

gumbo, first me-made-meal

The Trustfall Test

By Holiday Mathis

October 11, 2025  

To release the grip, whether in emotions, creativity, intimacy or other, signals a belief that there's something to cradle the fall or, ultimately, there's something better to surrender to. Trustfalls only end well with trustworthy people and circumstances. The Venus and Jupiter opposition warns against lazy investments of faith and calls for strategies based on observable patterns.

 no song

"ha ha"

harvest - mumford&sons dreamy

"He had a word, too. Love, he called it. But I had been used to words for a long time. I knew that that word was like the others: just a shape to fill a lack; that when the right time came, you wouldn't need a word for that" ~ As I Lay Dying

night talking - harry styles 

all my love is coming back to me - sg goodman

pear - serviceberryx2 - elm

This was my first happy night here. 

where it belongs - mumford

very rainy, what do you wanna do today, guys? (wait for the roof to leak?) how about unpack until we find underwear? (or not wear any, works for us) pair the wifi banking thingy and throw $50 at everybody before anyhing gets turned off? (yea, do that, you can do it in bed) it's Ear's bday, uhhh we could uhhh (you ain't making a cake, get real, order from Wegmans) yeup

I am trying to get Alexa to play cottage music at me, but it won't, and I don't want cowboys to make me cry right now. It's a pickle 🤔. So I think it is gonna come down to just forcing myself to get my laptop working / pay bills fractionally across the board. Then reading a novel in bed and until it's time to pick up a kid and feed them, content short of "goosebumps, a sweet or sour taste in your mouth, or an uncanny pull." Like golden olden times.

Maybe a first bubble bath here 🤔

on the blowout sale table - hi Dad, very funny

update, moon set btw 615-630 a.m.

blocking a parking lot light w finger, the moon just above it  

may the children each get what they need for their immediate and greater good, each accordng to their separate dreams - I already have all I need if they have that..

....and this prayer extends to cousins, both biological and chosen - they have all toiled, I have felt it in sobbing hugs enveloping me multple mutiple times over this year. Now it's time for a fair harvest of a simple way forward for all of them🙏for all of them🙏for all of them🙏

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). It's not that you are choosing to take on too much. "Too much" is being foisted upon you. One tactic is to carry around the corner, then ditch and run. Another is to call in support and do it together. The most injurious option would be to stoically continue on.

injurious - I love a well-nailed word

o yea, I have a kitchen herb garden here, marjoram for sausage even, I should plant one in Cheekdavegas too

"hard times for everyone" #fridgeart

one call got rid of everything but the truck, and he will be back to clean and put guard in the gutters soon as he heard PB had fucked off #colonyfriend #javajeff

The pie that I ate alone overnight, after a not unpleasant but ultimately not fully successful attempt at diy lovemaking. In every way in every life category, I am leaning way out from going it alone and from going along, both.

love the hourly changing yellow

shallow - lady gaga 

candle for the needs of others being met by the harvest 

sister golden hair - america 

 best of my love - the eagles

thinking out loud - ed sheeran the music alexa plays at the cottage is a whole different vibe

pie is in the oven, and I'm just breathing green air and letting alexa serenade me

I hear what I think might be the chickens scratching around and I jump up and run to the door. But it's just a man, the one who lives in Cheekdavegas (my neighbor 2x over now) ignoring the burn ban and building a refuse fire, as they all do at the end of the season. On all sides, I am surrounded by pick-up trucks driven by barrel-built pig-headed descendants of the colony founders ..

me: you would think, given these conditions, I could attract something other than a Pussy Bitch

her (daughter 1): 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

me: that is just the right thing to call him, so much trouble caused by just a Pussy Bitch

her: totally

me: which makes me I don't even know what, besides an idiot 

us: 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

her: just not a good fit (ha hem, she rephrases politely)

me: these guys around here have no fucks to give about the news either, burn ban their ass, cz NEWSFLASH it's October

her: to tal ly, it's refuse burn time duh

me: yup, and if the dry spells get bad enough with the 0% forethought about land management it's not sustainable. and yet, fuck you

her: yup, fuck you, those are your people 🤣

me: and yours, ms hairy armpits homeschooler

her: yup, I want to be in the country 

me: yup and on my terms, not theirs either, cz FUCK YOU TOO 

us: 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

her: you're not a joiner

me: nooooooo obviously epic fail, and yet

her: dudes with pick-up trucks

me: under this feeling like just punched and punched until I flinch at a breeze shaking all the time relearning to eat like I've had a fucking stroke 😭😭😭😭, but under all that

her: past a lot of it

me: god this closing thing and all the drama (shudder), that closing has to go through

her: she hasn't made a sound in like 30 minutes

me: there is nothing like growing up with beach access, nature in general

her: K has an interview for $28/hr here, I don't want to go back

me: I don't want to go back either, the closong has to go through or I will drown

her: well let's each pray for each other to get what they need

me: I think it's a full harvest moon, let's light a candle 

her: does a birthday candle count? alls I got

me: in these trying times, flicking a lighter and holding it up counts

us: 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I like to look at the same trees, watching them change in the light. 

ain't no man - avett brothers 

move through the world not by sight alone...direction is olfactory, intuitive, and primal...trust subtle cues—like goosebumps, a sweet or sour taste in your mouth, or an uncanny pull toward or away from things...your body will know the way...

first time

VIRGO - You don't have to be perfect to be lovable. You already are so lovable — in messy moments, and in your brilliance, too. Give yourself the rest you need. It's the act of self-care that will matter most in keeping you healthy and wise.

I wake up, wait for it .... 😪 .... feels like where blankets should be on me, there is a boulder instead, and I gather myself a while then shove it off, face the day. And it mostly feels just hard - it weights a million or a billion or a zillion pounds. But I guess I get stronger with every shoving out from under (?). Like my shrink says, I am doing it, all these sooo many feelings aside.

"transformative toilet seat"
never think you're too small to make a difference