Not exactly as planned but irrevocably none the less.
I don't understand all the ways in which Nebraska is tracking me. There are so many available, it is borderline terrifying. I was at my desk 5 minutes before I got a threatening email about "getting unpleasant" and coming here to get his dog (which has lived with ME for 5 years - he just wants an excuse to GET AT ME). My heart rate thru the roof, nauseous, all of it.
I replied with my long suffering lawyer's phone number. And blocked even work email.
Then I called my long suffering lawyer.
Then I called my realtor and told her no matter what, I am not going back there after today. It will not be clean, I will happily pay them whatever they need to make it so, and left 2 stained glass windows as a home warming. I am being stalked by this asshole. No (!) more where he can see me.
Somewhere in there, I went to a long thing at work.
Somewhere in there, I went to Tmobile to get the internet for the new house (I don't want to be on the same systems, I want to not be in that life any fucking more) and for $1/month, I could get a tracker that I could put on anything. 😳 Though appalled, I got 2, one for each dog.
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Earlier, I had gone to the house for hours, emptying emptying never emptying, as it has been for weeks and weeks.
Later I had a session with my therapist to get my meltdown ðŸ˜ðŸ¤® buttoned down.
Then back to the emptying, now frantic, with poor Ears who in the big empty house can't help but hear that whole therapy session.
Then we kept it up until it was as good as we could do, ie until now and then stopped.
I need a gun. Now. And am getting Shield over here.
I am never going back there. And I am making Al talk to Fuckface, NOT ME.
Somewhere just after I had a heart attack, I thought about how up his ass she is / felt in my own body a revulsion for Nebraska to be so much as in my inbox. How??
I was gonna tell that to the therapist but ended up losing it about the roofer. I just couldn't stop crying over being forced to be angry. Like a poked prodded fucking animal. And my dad my dad my dad fucking dying 😠I do not want to end up like that. Angry All The Time. Angry, which is all the shitty feelings like terrified scorched to the hot pan of your brain (which feels like my stomach). How much it hurts, physically hurts like low fever, to feel this way. And the roofer set me off because he was a contractor being shitty to me for no reason. Why, why did he have to terrorize me? And why am I like this? "So you think it's your fault?" Well I am the constant, now aren't I? Why do I want to be able to trustfall at anyone in the first place? The best part of my day was ordering wood. The man was so nice and no I didn't have to pay ahead, he would leave a self addressed stamped envelope so I could mail him a check after. I mean, he still lives in a world that expects the best of people! I legit laughed at him with joy over that and he laughed back. "Look, you have two of the biggest life stressors at once, moving and death of a parent, there just is no way not to feel like shit." I remember learning about the stress score card. Divorce rates above death of a partner (hence the once I wished him dead). Even taking a vacation gets a score / stresses humans out. I don't rememeber the whole top 10, but I think we might cover the waterfront atm, every shittiest thing.
I wished I could hug the mover. Seriously. Ya know?
New rule: "If you want my anger, you need to talk to my lawyer." Angry is not what I want or am willing to be right now. My therapist loves it, it's catchy.
October one. Because even though it is not possible to feel anything but shitty rn, it has to start to not sometime ðŸ˜
