too sick to pray

Get em - jade Josephine
Leikeli47- Money

This week has sucked harder than any week except, ya know, all the others since March. Wow. WOW. Among many many other things, the duplex is the object of a flat out hostile takeover predatory lending feeding frenzy. A new for sale sign goes up every other minute in that zip, and I know why, how the home owners insurance and mortgage brokers and city ordinance units collude to harass a home owner into oblivion. WOW. But it is weird brown on black crime that I don't understand, as in little crowds of Indian American people huddle and leer on the street, then I get yet another text from a stranger offering help in "unloading my property". My son in law refuses to DO ANYTHING, will not so much as mow the lawn, nothing. The pregnant daughter is obviously no help, unemployed and dependent on mr can't be bothered, and he (with an AUTO MECHANICS CERTIFICATION couldn't even fix the van that I BOUGHT THEM and for which MY ELDERLY MOTHER gave them TWO MONTHS of her social security $$ for parts) is riding his bike to work and they're stranded. I lost track of the grammar of that sentence cz I'm so pissed that I can't keep track of verbs. He goes to work and comes home and doesn't beat her, that's all that can be expected, period. 

The trans daughter (she was the gay son lecturing me about how I needed to affirm masculinity and was guilty of not doing that enough in early childhood 6 months ago, just to keep tabs) is living in the upper unit with ... well, does it even matter? They also don't mow the lawn, for which I'll get the citation, and they're 12 years old on average going through puberty endlessly. 

The upside to owning that duplex is none of who is living there is living HERE.

Poor Ears, middle child syndrome, he's merely sane and trying to graduate (so I can quit).

Summary: nobody living in that duplex understands or gives a shit what hell I am being put through to keep that building and in general. They cannot or will not care about anything but what they prefer to do TODAY even though TOMORROW (ie where do you plan to be living?) is lost that way. And it will not get better.

So, I will pay for a new deck. Pay for a new plumbing system. Pay the roofer AGAIN to certify the roof until 2023. Paid the lawyer to fend off the insurance fraud. Etc. For each of these items, I wept all over someone, some worker dude or insurance lady friend, I called in every marker I had/have. And my kids for whom I did all that are mostly OBLIVIOUS, they cannot (will not) fathom what it takes and takes and takes to own property and to work all these hours and support their asses.

And, of course, my INSANE fucking job. Work Life Balance = equal parts utterly shitty. WOOOOW, how shitty is campus life is its whole own saga of posts. 

COVID has reset the bar much much lower for life satisfaction. Are you alive? Y/N. 

If I were dying today, I would want my life back. But I also hate nearly every minute of it. 

And still..

-_-