Dear diary, Today I did nothing except talk to a friend all day about houses.

Where do you want to live and why? Can you? How can you? Why would you or would you not? Pros and cons. That is the kind of shit I want to talk about. I just like to.

Outside my friggin blog, I don't talk about sex and death 24/7. UNDERNEATH, like semiconsciously, everything is really about those essential things - anyone with opposable thumbs knows morality and mortality are the biggies duh right? But that lives INSIDE everyday shit, like granite or butcher block? Pros and cons. Block, is my preference, because it is both bold and warm. But it is harder to care for. And that is just like me, right? To prefer wood for those reasons despite that cost? In these many small choices, we know who we are. So that is why I like to talk about and make such choices.

I think I might buy this. It has been on the market a few minutes. Close to a lot of faculty friends, who are making that area the new 'Phd ghetto', like my big red double used to be in Parkside. The agent sold my last two houses, like a shark that guy is, but he likes me and I like him. His gaymean humor is fantastic. We share aesthetic opinions (Italian aging, the hair, ya gotta invest in your hair). So he texted me right back and I have an appointment to see it next Sat, sooner than the open house and same day I get my tattoo finished colored in. Is that a sign? If it has a clawfoot tub, that is definitely a sign..

There is nothing keeping me here necessarily. Nobody would be sad if I left. What is here is ME, this house, what I made of it, the safespace dog den feel of it. But I make that wherever I go. I am that.

“You are a good man,” she says. “You are beautiful.” She runs the back of her hand over the sparse fur of his chest. She lets a tiny crackle go, a prickle at his hair’s ends, glowing faintly. It feels good. Every line of his body is coming into focus as she touches him, as if he hadn’t really been there at all, before. He wants to be inside her; his body is already telling him what to do, how to move this thing forward, how to take her arms, how to bring her down on to the bed, how to consummate. But the body has contradictory impulses: fear is as significant as lust, physical pain as strong as desire. He holds himself there, wanting and not-wanting. He lets her set the pace. It takes a long while, and it is good. She shows him what to do, with his mouth and with his fingers. By the time she is riding him, sweating and calling out, the sun has risen on a new day in Riyadh. And when she loses control as she finishes she sends a jolt through his buttocks and across his pelvis and he barely feels the pain at all, so great is the delight. ~The Power, Naomi Alder

It is cold and dreary. I don't want to go out. I want to have gotten married at 25 and it worked out and I will have Sunday morning sex with him tomorrow early and ignore him this evening while he is puttering or out with his friends and it never crosses my mind to worry about trusting him while I read this borderline vampire porn with Jasper on my legs until I drift off. So that is exactly what I am doing. I am cuddled in with fuzzy pants on under a fuzzy blankie, drinking pms tea, chuckling at this girly Fight Club novel, listening to drizzle hit the window in a quiet house. It is exactly as it would be if I had lived happily ever after. Except the husband died or something. Saving a baby from a burning house (since I am making him up, why not?). And I am carrying on in a dignified fashion.

The Chainsmokers - (Don't) Let Me Down (Acapella)

VIRGO. Because misinformation runs amok in the world, people you trust could accidentally lead you astray.Your skepticism is healthy. Do your own research.

ddhd

"dreams don't have deadlines" but they do


Late Tragically Hip frontman records vocals for "The North" in clip for posthumous album, 'Introduce Yerself'

VIRGO  It's not like you're searching for tenderness and friendship in this harsh and competitive world, but when you accidentally stumble across it today you'll realize how much you needed it.

Oh I know. I need it like hell. I just know also not to count on any such thing.

And here is a weird thing about adulting: don't break it to others, that they should probably recalibrate their expectations lower. They are still persons of faith in humanity even if you have become cynical, and they might never be disappointed if you yourself do not disappoint them. So keep your burdens to yourself, and espouse faith in people and in God and/or in abstractions of goodness (justice, kindness, etc.). That is the real load to carry as a grown up. It isn't paying the bills or whatever, that you can do or not be able to and then be able again, that is hard but is not the Hard part. The Hard part is faith. Being an adult is acting like you have faith convincingly, even if you've lost it, for the sake of those who have not lost it yet and who have faith in you.

Faculty Council week.

Last text wawawaing at me was 9:54 last night. First one this morning was 4:12 a.m.

TJ at 6:20 a.m.: grunt
Me: grunt
TJ: I am so over high school
Me: I am so over college
TJ: the coffee is already cold..and what the hell are you doing?
Me: making dinner because I know by dinnertime I will be out of energy and if I eat one more slice of pizza I am going to beat somebody to death with a pizza
TJ: what time did you get up?
Me: 4:12, first complaint text came in
TJ: Faculty Council is like your job gets its period
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OMGTOTALLY LOLOL if only some chocolate and wine would shut them all the fuck up
TJ: yea man, show them Seinfeld reruns and let em all cuddle shih tzus
Me: HAHAHAHAHA

The current Scorpio sun is conducive to doing things you might not think to do at other times of the year. There's a certain intensity that comes with this soulful passage and a mood that drives people to discovery. So how is the passionate energy of the next four weeks best applied? Consider adding one or two of these ideas to your list:

1. Uncover a family mystery.

2. Go deeper into certain aspects of a religion.

3. Think of the world as it was 100 years before you were born.

4. Dream about what the world will be like 100 years after you die.

5. Write an appreciative love letter to your mother.

6. Change your radio station to absorb a different kind of music than you've ever gotten into before.

7. Solve a crime.

8. Love someone you've known a long time in a new and deeper way. (ha hem)

9. Give up some aspect of media or technology you've become addicted to.

10. Consider different lifestyles and what it would be like to live them.

You don't have to make any changes. Just thinking about them might be enough to broaden your horizons.

LP-Switchblade

VIRGO You care. You try. Whether or not your efforts land as planned, your good intentions will shine through. You'll either get what you set out for or attract the kind of help you need to do it next time.

Good morning Bedhead. We have the day to ourself so ya don't need to brush that mop or bother w liptint etc. What ya wanna do? We could make love to ourself all morning except that we dared ourself not to. Why did we do that? A guy on the radio said it improved intimacy. With whom? Good question. Let's go to yoga, Paul is teaching today. That isn't going to help with the dare at all. Truth, he is so hot he can rock a manbun. And he likes the new tat, always admiring our bow pose. Snort.

Paul (at me during my bow pose): Looking good G.
Me: You're looking good too Paul (everyone in the studio incl him and his wife cracks up)

Okay that felt fantastic, I love to sweat! But. Right, but. The punchline to 'what is bigger than a breadbox?' Is not supposed to be 'my clitoris'. Right, and we are telling ourselves jokes like a lunatic so there's that. Let's go to the juice bar and read that new collection of feminist fairy tales. Yea, what could be less sexy than a spinach smoothie and feminism?! Nothing!!

In the beginning, I know I want him before he does. This isn’t how things are done, but this is how I am going to do them.

I see the muscles of his neck and upper back, how he fairly strains out of his button-down shirts, like a day laborer dressed up for a dance, and I run slick. 

I am a good girl. But he is a little craggy, in that way men sometimes are, and I want. He seems like he could want the same thing. I once heard a story about a girl who requested something so vile from her paramour that he told her family and they had her hauled her off to a sanatorium. I don’t know what deviant pleasure she asked for, though I desperately wish I did. What magical thing could you want so badly they take you away from the known world for wanting it? I have always wanted to choose my moment, and this is the moment I choose.

He is hard and hot and dry and smells like bread, and when he breaks me I scream and cling to him like I am lost at sea. His body locks onto mine and he is pushing, pushing, and before the end he pulls himself out and finishes. I am fascinated and aroused by the rhythm, the concrete sense of his need, the clarity of his release.

I shimmy off my pantyhose, and on my hands and knees offer myself up to him. I have heard all of the stories about girls like me, and I am unafraid to make more of them. I hear the metallic buckle of his pants and the shush as they fall to the ground, and I feel his half hardness against me. I beg him—“No teasing”—and he obliges. I moan and push back, and we rut in that clearing, groans of my pleasure and groans of his good fortune mingling and dissipating into the night. We are learning, he and I.

It is not normal that a girl teaches her boy, but I am only showing him what I want, what plays on the insides of my eyelids as I fall asleep. He comes to know the flicker of my expression as a desire passes through me, and I hold nothing back from him. When he tells me that he wants my mouth, the length of my throat, I teach myself not to gag and take all of him into me, moaning around the saltiness.

Bent over the kitchen table, something old is lit within me, and I remember the way we had desired before, how we had left love streaked on all of the surfaces, how he relished in my darkest spaces. I scream with ferocity, not caring if the neighbors hear, not caring if anyone looks through the window with its undrawn curtains... ~Her Body and Other Parties

What the hell kind of feminism is that? He does take her head off and kill her in the end. Is it worth it? Good question.

The Killers - The Man

Took the day off to go for my annual physical. I am a terrible patient. I never agree to tests, never take anything they give me, never finish it if I do take it, and never answer the questions straight.

Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: Define active.
Dr: haha I only mean do you have any pain associated with sex?
Me: psychological pain? yes.
Dr: haha
Me: My vagina is fine though, last I knew.
Dr: hahaha

I am in perfect health. Except for my personality.

"On June 2, 2015, my husband, Brooke, and I celebrated our fortieth wedding anniversary. We chose to spend it in Yellowstone. We rose before dawn in the Lamar Valley not far from where wolves were reintroduced twenty years earlier. A silhouette of coyotes feasting on a bison carcass, surrounded by bald eagles and ravens, appeared in our binoculars. As the light grew stronger the coyotes became nervous and left. The eagles flew. The ravens vanished. A large gray wolf entered. Morning light illuminated the bison body, now more bones than flesh. We watched the wolf disappear into a red cavern of ribs. He emerged stained. In the several hours we watched, the wolf’s stomach expanded with each mouthful of bison ripped from the scaffolding of bones until he stopped eating, looked over his shoulder, sniffed, and walked back into the woods. At dusk, we returned to the Lamar Valley. We wondered whether the wolves might be back on the carcass. Instead, two coyotes were picking on bones covered by a buffalo robe. The coyotes disappeared into the shadows with the last light of day. An indigo sky deepened. A mile away, a herd of a hundred bison or more grazed unconcerned. Seven left and walked single file toward the remains of the mother bison. They circled her twice, sniffed her, nudged her body, and tightened their circle as they lowered their heads. They stayed with her until twilight. Then the bison left as they came, walking single file back toward the herd—save one lone bull who stayed behind." The Hour of Land, Terry Tempest Williams

I heard her last night at a distinguished speaker series. I cried.

it's scary

I heard that At an All Time Low song and this conversation on NPR within hours of each other. Like God heard me listening to that song and answered.

Dante. About autoeroticism (and porn, i.e. strangers, to make it work), there is serious truth in what he says. To get out of prison, you have to get over yourself and care for another.

This cracks me up ... 
.....hahahaha  

I dunno how anybody does this every month like the hardcore people do.  (Can you imagine?!)

As a game, well yeah. If you can purposefully withhold physical pleasure for a spell, then the rebound intensity of pleasure that you can bestow is mindblowing. Like shaking a champagne bottle before uncorking it. There are real upsides of having a lover who admires and rewards selfdiscipline.

But any exertion of selfcontrol for its own sake is a kick in the face.

I am having mixed feelings. On the one hand, why would anyone do this??!! But on the other hand, I DO admire selfcontrol. Displays of it are hot. To a point.

norah jones - broken little hearts

"tough customer"

Lovely the Band - Broken (oddly catchy)
Tightrope (acoustic) - LP

Weekend love horoscope: You will not be making love to yourself, which is hard in the short run but is a move in the right direction.

crazy bright moon 

Harvest moon tonight. Landing in October for the first time in a decade, it's a lucky one. It will be huge and bright especially at rise (around 630-8 pm est). Look up. Reap what you've sewn. Sit and think: what have I got (inventory)? Then take a risk with some piece of it, in the categories of love or commerce particularly (investments). It should feel a little scary, exposing, if it is a real risk. If you make an offering of risking something, you will be lucky in the next month.

Yesterday, offhandedly I said I would embark on a 30 day no fap challenge. It was that song, "you are the reason I'm alone and masturbate". I thought: my ex is not a reason for my puss anywhichway (god damn it). Since I had rubbed it out already, technically today is day one of the challenge. I cannot imagine how that could bring luck, but that is the point of self-imposed discipline. You can't know what you can get out of yourself until you leash yourself and find out.

Beyonce - If I Were a Boy (ft You Oughta Know) - sing loud in the car

Walk Off the Earth - All Time Low (cover)

LP - No Witness

presenting....Dame Wantdog

If the guy were black, entirely different coverage. If the guy were an immigrant, omg, entirely different coverage. As it is, the American public will have a quick drive-by unintelligent conversation about mental health as if the mentally ill are hostile rather than helplessly suffering, then we will jerk off first responders (who, for the record, are adrenalin junkies who can too easily disassociate from the suffering of others). Hrrrmph

Sunday morning cartoons

The past is a powerful place that takes up more and more space/time. But even though it takes up so much of the horizon, it is still somewhere that you can't go. (repost)

Memories - Chaos Chaos , the episode's premise is that you can tell real people from alien projections by the memories you have of them - mostly shitty memories are what you have if the people are real

Turtle magic, home is wherever you are.

VIRGO It is foolish to make decisions based solely on logic and intellect.Feelings have real-world effects that are often more impactful than any intellectual reality.

I feel like leaving. I feel like shutting the door and never coming out. I feel like going to the back of the closet with my hamster like I did when I was a child, and nobody can find me so even though I am trapped I am free, as free as I can get.