Everything else turned out fine, life would be pretty good, if only....?....I truly can't decide if I should nurture/protect that one fuck I have left to give and hope my heart grows back to fully functional someday somehow, or if I should kill that last scrap of softness in myself and hope all the pain dies out with it. To tell ya the truth, I am not even sure it's my choice - the feeling in my chest right now might well be just a ghost where my heart used to be before it got ripped out, like the maddening itch that amputees feel in limbs that no longer exist actually.
Believe it or not, when I think 'I want to see a movie', I stop and examine that thought and wonder at it, do I really feel that (?), can I *afford to feel that* if I do (?), or should I kill it if it is real (?)...even shit that small stumps me anymore.
I might be a performance of a person. And inside there is a robot at the controls. It is no wonder, in retrospect, why I was attracted always to characters like Data and never ones like Commander Ryker (TJ is rewatching that series lately) - it was foreshadowing what I would (have to) become.
