Wow I am tired. Too busy to stew. Almost. For a second yesterday, I micropouted that on top of everything I have to do this week, I also have to hug myself if I want one and make dinner every night. Then the next thing I had to do was attend the inaugural Mission Integration Medical Ethics Symposium, which was about the ethics of withdrawing care from newborn babies. Want to stop pouting fast?, see a slideshow about fubar babies.

Want to live in such a way that you get reminded daily that pouting is for pussies? Work at a Catholic college. If you need it, there is always some kind of work you can do that will remind you that the world is brimming with people who are suffering more than you ever have.

The Mercury-Saturn tension is still going strong. For some it causes an ache of desire. Desire isn't born out of loss. It's not a longing for what we lack. We all lack many things that we don't feel desire for. Desire isn't about lacking something; it's about wanting extra — a buildup of energy that magnetizes a particular focus. Fortune favors bold action.

Too tired. I feel worn to a nub and it's only Tuesday.

VIRGO You'll call a few key shots. It's because a lot seems to fall under your jurisdiction these days. You really aren't going out of your way to run things. This is a natural result of just being who you are.

Snort. Ya. My boss calls me Bosslady.

Faculty Council week. First of the new year of all new VPs. And the moved the whole thing to the big fancy pharmacy hall. They are going to start recording and live streaming it, God help me. Then the week ends with the Klienhans gig and the inaugural gala over the weekend. By Sunday, I am going to feel like I had a high colonic of professional grade white people.

Finefine. I will have zero time for existential crisis this week. Stay tuned for the rebound urge to run for it into the northern wilds. In the back of my mind, the camper from the Frazy Ford video is stuck...

There are some people you choose because they fit the situation. They work perfectly in the context in which you need them. Then there are those who are bigger than the context. You would choose them in a hundred contexts over a hundred lifetimes in a hundred worlds. Those are the people to focus on during this Mars and Neptune opposition.

Godspeed.

Frazy Ford - September Fields

Autumn equinox is when day and night are balanced in time, symbolizing the scales of justice. From here out, you reap whatever you have sewn for the year.  The harvest is what it is.

I have sweat a lot. Simple pleasures and solid Goods, that is where I put my energy this growing season. Sweating is one of my favorite simple pleasures. I swam until my sweat glistened on the surface of the water. I hiked for miles and returned to hotHOT yoga. When I am dripping sweaty wet and bright pink, muscles trembling, I feel like I could slap the snarky smile off the face of Fate. And afterwards, cooled and clean, it feels good to rest and feel Well.

But I like having some ass and tits too. When I walk around the house wearing nothing but Alive, I feel like this Canadian lady looks attitudewise. Jiggling my glitter. Frazey Ford - Done (I love her butt.)

So I bake bread. And smear my homemade jelly on it when it is still warm.

I like the woman things that I know how to do.

VIRGO  The circumstance of the day may have you feeling like a new adult, entering the workforce astounded at the drudgery of some jobs, wanting to be free like a child again.



What ways are there to figure a life out? People depend on me. What THEY need are the deciding factors. But now one of their needs is for me to decide things based on my own needs, alone.

That is harder than you would think.

And I don't have anyone to talk to about it, really. Because I have nobody around me with the same problem. Sunshine hisses at me, for instance, always between jobs and broke, trying to make money with Youtube videos about vudu dolls. That is a very different problem, obviously.

For a long while, I missed Trainwreck and was still sick with open wounds of betrayal. And I knew someone with that same problem. Now the person that Trainwreck was when he was with me has fluttered out. And my wounds have healed into hot pink scars that will presumably fade over time. I will become less unsightly on the inside, maybe even compelling like a cowgirl with the marks of hard adventures written on her.

My new problem is: This is it. Now what? And it is a rare problem on this planet. To be a woman with the privilege of that problem.

The Girl told me a story yesterday: On Facebook, a woman had run an experiment. She didn't get out of the way for men, like while walking in hallways or through doors. She got smacked into something like 40 times so far. I never get out of the out of the way, they move and I stomp by, it would have never crossed my mind to run that experiment. 

I have been this way, and here it has gotten me. I own the island of my life as far as a regular person possibly can. The only thing I can't have is a sane stable lover who could talk to me of all of life while I run fingertips over his skin (apparently). So. I look at what could be had, and think: Now what?

I dunno. Until I figure it out, I work on the committee that's trying to put a free health clinic on the west side (refugee central), etcetc. I fill my time and try to be helpful. But in my head, to be honest, I just have no real idea what to Do With Myself.

"Inner beauty can fade too." 300 Arguments, Sara Manguso

I had this theory: What was best inside a man, if you had an eye for it, you could pour love on it and, like oxygen does a fire, that admiration for it would make that inner beauty grow.

I am not sure that is true. (If beauty is in the eye of the beholder.) But if it is true, to whatever extent it is, the withdrawal of that loving eye would make that inner beauty fade too, flutter and flame out.

"There’s things that move a man. Like currents of water inside. Things he can’t help. Older I got, the more I found it true. Getting grown means learning how to work that current: learning when to hold fast, when to drop anchor, when to let it sweep you up. And it could be something simple as sex, or it could be something as complicated as falling in love.." ~Sing, Buried, Sing, Jesmyn Ward

‘The farther one gets into the wilderness, the greater is the attraction of its lonely freedom.’ Theodore Roosevelt

No Man's Land

The 1975 - Somebody Else

"Emotion stripped of emotion." Devotion, Patti Smith

"Self-improvement and success often occur together. But that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re the same thing.

Our culture today is obsessively focused on unrealistically positive expectations: Be happier. Be healthier. Be the best, better than the rest. Be smarter, faster, richer, sexier, more popular, more productive, more envied, and more admired. Be perfect and amazing and crap out twelve-karat-gold nuggets before breakfast each morning while kissing your selfie-ready spouse and two and a half kids goodbye. Then fly your helicopter to your wonderfully fulfilling job, where you spend your days doing incredibly meaningful work that’s likely to save the planet one day.

But when you stop and really think about it, conventional life advice—all the positive and happy self-help stuff we hear all the time—is actually fixating on what you lack. It lasers in on what you perceive your personal shortcomings and failures to already be, and then emphasizes them for you. You learn about the best ways to make money because you feel you don’t have enough money already. You stand in front of the mirror and repeat affirmations saying that you’re beautiful because you feel as though you’re not beautiful already. You follow dating and relationship advice because you feel that you’re unlovable already. You try goofy visualization exercises about being more successful because you feel as though you aren’t successful enough already.

Ironically, this fixation on the positive—on what’s better, what’s superior—only serves to remind us over and over again of what we are not, of what we lack, of what we should have been but failed to be. After all, no truly happy person feels the need to stand in front of a mirror and recite that she’s happy. She just is. There’s a saying in Texas: “The smallest dog barks the loudest.” A confident man doesn’t feel a need to prove that he’s confident. A rich woman doesn’t feel a need to convince anybody that she’s rich. Either you are or you are not.

And if you’re dreaming of something all the time, then you’re reinforcing the same unconscious reality over and over: that you are not that. Everyone and their TV commercial wants you to believe that the key to a good life is a nicer job, or a more rugged car, or a prettier girlfriend, or a hot tub with an inflatable pool for the kids. The world is constantly telling you that the path to a better life is more, more, more—buy more, own more, make more, fuck more, be more.

You are constantly bombarded with messages to give a fuck about everything, all the time. Give a fuck about a new TV. Give a fuck about having a better vacation than your coworkers. Give a fuck about buying that new lawn ornament. Give a fuck about having the right kind of selfie stick. Why? My guess: because giving a fuck about more stuff is good for business.

And while there’s nothing wrong with good business, the problem is that giving too many fucks is bad for your mental health. It causes you to become overly attached to the superficial and fake, to dedicate your life to chasing a mirage of happiness and satisfaction. The key to a good life is not giving a fuck about more; it’s giving a fuck about less, giving a fuck about only what is true and immediate and important." ~The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck, Mark Manson

VIRGO Your analyzing mind has solved many problems for you and helped you excel in many areas of life. That said, it's not the right mind to heal emotional wounds. Employ your heart and body to that task.

pic removed

KFlay-Blood In The Cut 

The emotional full moon in Pisces offers a depth of feeling beyond ideas and sensations..blabla..throw a knife.

"Outercourse", a personal list: monogamy for starters (multitasking and sex don't go together well for me, sorry if that's too limiting for you); reasons to wear cute dresses/shoes/underwear, before taking them off, slowly or quickly-partially; doting in many small ways, odd little gifts and attentions, and I don't want to be made to feel like a dumbass doormat for bestowing them!; shared nerdiness, such as liking underused words like 'drivel'; laughing (giggling, guffawing, chuckling, snickering, cracking up); familiarity, like rereading books and rewatching movies, there are favorite parts and always some small thing you didn't catch the first time too; freedom, not to fuck other people (see item one) but to do what I want and need to do without my man's insecure nose up my ass every minute which is only going to make me suspect he can't be trusted (see item one again); secondary sex characteristics, for god's sake don't shave anything!; ...the rest of my list is private

reviving the art of the mixed tape, v.1

LP-Lost On You. redheads (eyeroll)

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joywave - someone new