Me: Wow you’re cute.
TH: Not many people have appreciated that fully.
Me: So what’s your deal?
TH: I’m up for grabs. Want to touch my woodwork?
Me: I dunno - this is kind of sudden, I just started looking.
TH: I’m strong like bull . . .
Me: Are you sure you’re available? There’s no sign out front.
TH: I told you, I’m kind of a private sale kinda house, not open market.
Me: Uh huh. Are you a pain in the ass? I mean, why aren’t you taken already?
TH: The world is fucked up, what can I tell you? Everyone wants new new new.
Me: I dunno if this would work out really - I mean, you talk a good game, but you’re in the SUBURBS pal, ya know? I’m more shabby chic.
TH: No, seriously, I’m virtually misplaced here. Look at me, I have one foot in another continent altogether, like fairytale fodder.
Me: Sigh. This is gonna cost me I can feel it.
TH: Not that much, I’m kind of a bargain once you fix me up - you’re good at fixer uppers, clearly, or you wouldn’t have been mooning at me from the curb all this time.
Me: Welp, I could use a change, and I can see your appeal . . . So okay.
TH:
Me: I said okay.
TH:
Me: What? I’m not offering enough or ? I could offer more.
TH:
Me: Or even a little more than more.
TH: No.
Me: What do you mean no? You just talked me into this?
TH: Nope.
Me: Look, you don’t know me very well yet - I don’t really do NO.
TH: Well get used to it.
Me: No!
TH: No. Or yes. Whichever applies as thwarting you, that’s my answer.
Me: That only makes me stubborn.
TH: Noooo kidding? I’d have never guessed that.
Me: Well which is it then? A real no? or a ‘I want you to want me more than my no’ typa no?
TH: No.
Me: O fuck you. Seriously. Do you think this is going to work to make you go like hotcakes off this cold curb you’re sitting on? Cz I highly doubt that - experience suggests you’ve been sitting here empty for over 2 years bub.
TH:
Me: Are you serious with this?
TH: No.
Me: No you’re not seriously saying no, or seriously you’re saying no?
TH:
Me: You just got auctioned back to vacancy. Way to go. Stupid house.
(pause)
(pause)
(pause)
(snow melts)
(seasons change)
(pause pause)
TH: Hey, how’s it going?
Me: Huh? YOU AGAIN?
TH: Sorry, I got kinda hung up back there, been real busy . . .
Me: I’m not interested.
TH: Yes you are.
Me: I’ve been shopping in Kenmore. Bought myself a car. I’m over you, you were merely the “transition relationship”, thru which I learned more about my own real estate desires, that’s all.
TH: Want to touch my woodwork?
Me: hahahah well, yes sort of I do, but that’s not the point.
TH: What’s the point?
Me: You are some kind of impossible, that’s the point.
TH: Ok, just thought I’d check.
Me: Well wait a minute - are you available this time? I don’t want to dick around and end up merely annoyed.
TH: I was wise, and withheld myself for this moment of even greater opportunity for you. My price is good, my garden is a blank slate.
Me: Siiiigh.
TH: C’mon, take a look around, no commitments just some woodwork lust between old friends.
Me: I’m not really into touching your woodwork just for kicks, ya know? I want to build a fire in the fireplace, not walk around your empty insides pointlessly.
TH: I’m in great shape, the fireplace is ready to go.
Me: How’s everything else?
TH: Well, you have to expect some issues, that’s only natural.
Me: Little issues, or terminal issues?
TH: Go with your gut - you tell me.
Me:
TH:
Me: Okay. I guess I got time to improve my yoga practice meanwhile. I forgive you. Now let’s get it on, cz I been looking at landporn for months.
TH: Probably.
Me: You better stop screwing around w the probablies, I just plunked down a 2k deposit and $500 inspection.
TH: I have to think it over.
Me: WHAT?? Your fucked up owner bank can sue me if we don’t work this out now.
TH: You always jump in too fast and hard.
Me: You talked me into it, AGAIN.
TH: Then you’re a slow learner, eh?
Me: omg I hate you.
TH: No you don’t.
Me: Look, I agree to be willing to sell you later, but for the moment we’re either giving this a try or not before I lose any more resources in the attempt. Just be honest.
TH:
Me:
Me: I’m gonna kick your ass.
TH: You’re gonna have to because there’s a leak under the concrete floor of my garage.
Me: Somehow, deep down, I knew this was coming. Why are you driving me crazy?
TH: No.
Me: hahahahahha o shut the fuck up with your no’s.
TH:
Me: Is there more? Is the leak under the garage the full monty, or are you gonna try to kill me while I pet your woodwork for years?
TH: Maybe.
Me: Can I ask you something?
TH:
Me: Um, are we dating? lol

This house is proving itself to be some kind of impossible yet again, or meant for me ft. a royal pain in the ass. I dunno. All I know is that I’m hip-deap into it every which way and gonna get thru to other side okay, or wipe out my personal resources for houses altogether into the indefinite future. (exasperated motherly sigh) And in the process, I've spent days upon days getting Big Red cleaned out, sweating so much that it'd take a paintscraper to get the crud outa my pores. God damn stupid houses. I wish my orientation was Renter right now, WAY. >:(