Would you like your horoscope?
Not really.
"Jump into the creative process, if possible -- but make sure that you turn off your internal editor or critic for the time being. It's a handy feature to have, but for now it just gets in the way of the flow."
Um that means you, so could you stop talking all day? You’re in the way of my flow.
Your flow is self-pity on full faucet - It’s not like you were in the car.
I know.
You could have been in the car and on the highway and could have crashed and gotten a speed sign pole through your face and lived through it and now be a vegetable with half a face in a nursing home.
Yes yes, I know.
You'd be drooling and pissing your pants . .
Please shut up.
You haven’t moved in hours.
You're exaggerating and I’m supposed to be meditating on a beach for the next 9 days so what’s the difference?
Meditating is self-improvement, a 2-hour bath with a baked goods and beer hangover is just pathetic.
I have a headache, I like baths.
You could have gone to the end of school year picnic with the kids.
I wasn’t on the chaperone list for the picnic.
Because you didn’t sign up.
I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ON A PLANE TO A BEACH IN A FEW HOURS.
But you’re not.
O shut up shut up.
I’m just saying, you could have used this opportunity to have been a more involved parent.
Omg I hate you, I’m waiting to hear from the insurance company and then I have to take the car in and get a rental and all that bullshit, please just leave me alone.
There’s nothing stopping you from doing yoga twice a day all week and making your own vegetarian meals - you can be your own retreat.
Hahahahahshuuuuuuuuuuuut uuuuuuuuuuppp.
Well it’s true, it’s a chance to self-actualize and then maybe you can incorporate more retreat like elements into your actual daily life.
Seriously, I’m going to put a gun into my mouth in a second if you don’t shut up.
You, sensibly, do not own a gun.
Ya know, if you weren’t so god damn obnoxious, I might not have drunk that beer and ate all those brownies - ever think of that? You drive me to despair, and I’m already in despair.
If you listened to me, you’d have called a sitter and gone to the late night yoga last night and wouldn’t be sitting here like a brownie truck ran over you now.
What would I be doing? I’d be waiting to hear from Wendy the Hutt either way.
You can’t take a cell phone to a school picnic?
(stare)
That’s not going to work, I’m in your own head.
(stare)
La la la not going to work.
I’m going to drink a beer if you don’t stop.
No you’re not, you’re even too pathetic to be self-destructive properly and I know it. Except for crying your nose half off your face that is, which looks great, that “flu” look is really sexy this year.
Crying is not unhealthy. I am not repressed.
HA, you wish. You look like shit, really, you have to think twice about ruining what’s left of your looks.
Why? So Jasper will stay true?
Hey you got the bikini and the wax anyway, you could go to the JCC pool maybe, meet a nice Jewish man . . .
Yeah right, first of all the men at the pool have fuzzy shoulders and ugly wives, second of all you set my brain on fire every time I’m in a social environment, third of all you set my brain on fire every time Zorba sets my brain on fire so that’s 3 brain fires going most of the time even before God smites me, and thus altogether I’d end up like I always do at the pool: vaguely ogling the concession stand guy and/or the Chinese adoptees in the wading pool like the LUNATIC YOU TURN ME INTO.
Why don’t you get up and have some tea - it has anti-oxidants.
Sigh. I suppose that doesn’t sound too bad.
And then you could read your vegetarian cookbooks and start a self-retreat shopping list . . .
O for christ sake SHUT SHUT THE FUCKING HELL UP.
I’m just saying . . .