for Virgo today:
Although it’s only Tuesday you should schedule in some moments of fun into the day. Whether you opt to visit the movies after a pizza this evening or spend a fun evening in with lively friends you will feel better for having switched off from work or school for a while!

why don't your horoscopes tell you useful shit?, like "there will be a giant pool of some kinda reddish brown gooey liquid under your dead minivan this morning, so stay in bed", for instance

anybody got a dirge for a dodge?