I will unblog all but the first line, the only one that really counts

It is done. 

Not exactly as planned but irrevocably none the less.

I don't understand all the ways in which Nebraska is tracking me. There are so many available, it is borderline terrifying. I was at my desk 5 minutes before I got a threatening email about "getting unpleasant" and coming here to get his dog (which has lived with ME for 5 years - he just wants an excuse to GET AT ME). My heart rate thru the roof, nauseous, all of it. 

I replied with my long suffering lawyer's phone number. And blocked even work email.

Then I called my long suffering lawyer. 

Then I called my realtor and told her no matter what, I am not going back there after today. It will not be clean, I will happily pay them whatever they need to make it so, and left 2 stained glass windows as a home warming. I am being stalked by this asshole. No (!) more where he can see me.

Somewhere in there, I went to a long thing at work.

Somewhere in there, I went to Tmobile to get the internet for the new house (I don't want to be on the same systems, I want to not be in that life any fucking more) and for $1/month, I could get a tracker that I could put on anything. 😳 Though appalled, I got 2, one for each dog.

Earlier, I had gone to the house for hours, emptying emptying never emptying, as it has been for weeks and weeks. 

Later I had a session with my therapist to get my meltdown 😭🤮 buttoned down. 

Then back to the emptying, now frantic, with poor Ears who in the big empty house can't help but hear that whole therapy session. 

Then we kept it up until it was as good as we could do, ie until now and then stopped.

I need a gun. Now. And am getting Shield over here. 

I am never going back there. And I am making Al talk to Fuckface, NOT ME. 

Somewhere just after I had a heart attack, I thought about how up his ass she is / felt in my own body a revulsion for Nebraska to be so much as in my inbox. How??

I was gonna tell that to the therapist but ended up losing it about the roofer. I just couldn't stop crying over being forced to be angry. Like a poked prodded fucking animal. And my dad my dad my dad fucking dying 😭 I do not want to end up like that. Angry All The Time. Angry, which is all the shitty feelings like terrified scorched to the hot pan of your brain (which feels like my stomach). How much it hurts, physically hurts like low fever, to feel this way. And the roofer set me off because he was a contractor being shitty to me for no reason. Why, why did he have to terrorize me? And why am I like this? "So you think it's your fault?" Well I am the constant, now aren't I? Why do I want to be able to trustfall at anyone in the first place? The best part of my day was ordering wood. The man was so nice and no I didn't have to pay ahead, he would leave a self addressed stamped envelope so I could mail him a check after. I mean, he still lives in a world that expects the best of people! I legit laughed at him with joy over that and he laughed back. "Look, you have two of the biggest life stressors at once, moving and death of a parent, there just is no way not to feel like shit." I remember learning about the stress score card. Divorce rates above death of a partner (hence the once I wished him dead). Even taking a vacation gets a score / stresses humans out. I don't rememeber the whole top 10, but I think we might cover the waterfront atm, every shittiest thing. 

I wished I could hug the mover. Seriously. Ya know? 

New rule: "If you want my anger, you need to talk to my lawyer." Angry is not what I want or am willing to be right now. My therapist loves it, it's catchy. 

October one. Because even though it is not possible to feel anything but shitty rn, it has to start to not sometime 😭

In the Arctic, polar bears move through the world not by sight alone, but through scent trails that stretch miles across the ice. Their sense of direction is olfactory, intuitive, and primal. If I’m reading the omens correctly, Virgo, your navigation system will also be more animal than logical in the coming weeks. I advise you to trust subtle cues—like goosebumps, a sweet or sour taste in your mouth, or an uncanny pull toward or away from things. Your rational mind might not be fully helpful, but your body will know the way. Sniff the trail. Access your instincts.

Nova is sick. Medicaid runs out today. 

Both my daughter and I are already long awake, adulting our asses off while carrying that frightened burden right in the gut punched. She has a partner but he will be at work today. I am alone, with no choice but to finish this. 

It does not matter anymore who believes what about me, about any of this. That will never matter to me again.

this will be done 

by october one 

so mote it be

This seems nigh on impossible, and the roofer made me cry, not because the roof leaks and it's a huge hassle now (it is), but because he used to be a different person, a nicer one that I felt safe with, and like so so so so so many others, that dude is dead, and in his place is mr just making his money (and fuck you) and I had already gotten mad once, he had his shot at pissing me off ONCE (the ones gone mean love that), but not twice. No. Dead to me 😪. Then since that made everything harder, I upped the timeline on the manicure right in the middle of the day between endless rounds of Hauling Shit. I'm really into this plum color. 

I'm sorry, but I feel most alive when I feel alive. I will pile it on more all day if I have to. Big wet warm sloppy life. My feet are covered in blisters. 

skin - hans williams (yep) 😴

me: my horoscope sounds like a five year old running around with their privates out "just to see"

tj: honestly I think that's reasonable

me: 🤣 what stage of grief is 'fuck it'?

tj: acceptance, I think

me: ah, that's probably why I don't know what to do with it, because I've never actually experienced that before. I've just said I was fine. And it's meant the opposite. 

tj: maybe you're fine, or somewhere close?

me: well, if 'fuck a bunch of this' is that, then definitely getting there 🤣

tj: I was sitting at the beach yesterday thinking about how I could be happier and I decided I needed to be more open to the world and other peopple and I thought, Why didn't I just think of this before? 

me: you can definitely blame that on mom in therapy

tj: 🤣

me: 🤣

tj: then on the way home, this guy chased me down the street, yelling how supportive he is of trans people, and asking me if there's any rallies or anything that he could go to, as I'm running away from him

me: 🤣 please tell me I can find this funny

tj: oh yea, and he was a mailman on duty

me: 🤣 priceless

hotter now - lu kala I know no one listens to this shit, but I don't care la la laaaaaaaaaaa 

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Sometimes getting perspective isn't just metaphorical. Literally changing your environment, moving your body or taking a trip can help reset your mind and shift perspective. Time to travel.

Funny, I woke up thinking about this again. Not crying. I woke up at the asscrack of dawn, thinking about running downhill, like getting down the mountain after a long-slog hike up. In blinding rain. Which I have done pretty recently, like a mountain goat leaping from rock to rock sure-footed, it felt like flying. 

I have SO much left to do with this move. That last push to the summit is always beastly, but I know it's close.

I am scanning my body, thinking about a pedicure, a haircut, a microderm, au natural pubes but waxed legs - these are not deep thoughts, but they aren't Dying thoughts either. 

What does inclusive / resort mean for the california sober? The 'free' watered down booze no longer desired. There are so many of us now, such resorts are alllll over, many with decent mocktail bars, phony negronis. The US has tons in places like Colorado, but all things considered, a 'let's see other countries' break might be good too, yea? So looking around Jamaica. "For those interested in cannabis and related wellness." That one is $1200 total for a 4-night weekend in early December. Warm CBD oil massages mmmmyessssss, food deliveries to choose from bc you're chillin, presumably....

I know I will probably only make it to my cottage in reality, but in my mind, I am over shooting that goal in order to land at at least as far as Java by week's end. And to resist the urge for a cigarette.

rn listening to Bahamas - Somebody Just Like Me

tentative tipping

So much left to do, holy god whole houses fill with a city block's worth of shit somehow. But I went shopping a little today. I know what instapot I'm getting. I moved gumbo ingredients to the freezer and my last pound of butter. I ordered bedding in exuberient colors that don't match at all. 

I gained another few pounds. 

I don't know if I am ready to feel anything but the mostly numb acceptance that rolled in like a fog with my dad's death on top of everyhing else (broke me more). I take it as it comes. I am almost ready for a manicure, I think. I mean, while I wait to feel better, I could look less frazzzzzzled.

the laundry room - avett brothers la la laaaaaaaaaa 

intense live acoustic version and my goodness the beards (remind me I'm not dead)

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Restrictions will be lifted. Some see it as an invitation to be carefree, but you see it as an opportunity to work without obstacle. You're thinking ahead and eager to build the resources that could help in tougher times.

Yes, but my definition of "tougher times" has totally changed, and that change is deepening daily.

american lonely - marfa

"the couch"

rehomed ❤️ (note to self: I love their yellow)

(do I even want a couch?🤔)

suffering - boy golden  hahahaha ya everything hurts 

The boss who started all of this in terms of the end of my career has been fired, which I should be happy about but I feel nothing about it at all. Instead of interpreting that as despondency, I'm going to choose to interpret it as "I'm over it". OVER IT in the sense of truly gotten past it, not just feeling like I want to put a fork in my eye. 

I am doing my normal drink coffee and cry thing in the mornings as my phone blows up and blows up about work news, about which I feel absolutely nothing. Not about that.  

I don't have any stretch marks that you can see, but I think I have a lot of them that ya can't. They're just signs that something happened and they fade.

I feel a lot. Sometimes, like yesterday, I can't hold it all, my arms don't reach. In a way all of this pain is a good thing, because it clarifies what matters enough to feel about and what does not anymore to try to hold in the first place.

song tbd

update: thank god for Ears 💞 it'll get better now, he stayed at the house after I raged out of there on another repair emergency run saying I didn't want fucking dinner 😭❤️‍🔥 so he moved one set of boxes at the top of the stairs - ONE little pile - and worked up a sweat doing it AND left the dogs out with the gate open, his mind fried tired. And he saw me. Thought holy shit. He ordered dinner and promised to come every day right after work through dinner until it's done. 

Try putting your hand, fingers spread, on your chest / breastbone, push down a bit and take deep breaths. I invented it today, had to cz 🤯, I made a thunder shirt made with my own hand. 

fuuuuuck thiiiiis fuck you horoscope, fuck you moon, fuck you selfhelp books, fuck a bunch of all of this. I even want to slap my mother right now. sure, Mom, I'll just move a 4 story house filled to the brim with "important" things belonging mostly to others  and left in my care, I will just sort and box all of that, and then take all the rest to goodwill packed up nicely, and then move all the small furniture myself and all of the kitchen and all of the dishes amd all the art and all the other zillion categories that movers don't move cz they only move MOTHERFUCKING COUCHES and shit (duh). Oh and all those fucking garden shit you keep harping about like the CONCRETE bench, all by myself, cz movers don't do that either because, as they said, that would "get their pants muddy". I'll just do all of that, so you can pick some motherother fucking wallpaper Ma, that's a great idea❤️‍🔥🤬 

it's a good thing I am ALWAYS FUCKING FINE (a life sentence) 

dedication - julian taylor

"Here’s the thing about withdrawal, from any drug, substance, person, or behavior: The reason it’s so excruciating is that not only do you have to feel the pain of losing access to that thing you desire more than anything else, but you also have to feel the pain of every other loss you have ever experienced along your life’s journey. All the previous failures, all the previous crashes, all the previous disappointments: It’s like a twenty-car pileup of failures on an icy highway—and there’s no way to get away from it. Worst of all, withdrawal forces you to feel your original suffering again—the deepest childhood grief or ancestral wound that started you out on this journey of addiction in the first place. And who wants to feel that? Not me. Not most people, to be honest. My friend the writer and teacher Kemi Nekvapil was once asked by an interviewer, “If you could make everyone on earth do one thing, what would it be?” And Kemi replied, “If there’s one thing I wish everyone would do—one thing that would actually change the world—it would be to heal.”  But healing is hard. Healing is expensive, time-consuming, and painful—whether it’s physical or emotional healing. This is why so many people cannot and will not heal. Instead, they use, in order to not have to feel their suffering. And when using doesn’t work, you can always just blame." ~All the Way to the River