clay pigeons - john prine 

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Countless similar moments blur together, but when something brings up a feeling in you, a memory is born, too. Someone who is emotionally available can turn ordinary moments into a vivid experience. Their access to feeling invites your own.

yea. I need assistance in the feeling stuff department. 

I need a patient lover. Straight talk. Someone who can give me a minute. I was averse to any/all adult touch that wasn't strictly necessary for the entire last chunk of my life, all of the last relationship I was in. Like a hooker, no kissing. That's a crazyshitty thing to do to yourself.

I know I'm in here. I mean, spooning, when it felt needed, I could need it right back. But I am broken in this way. I make a lot of dickbutter because I am trying to imagine any touch that is just for the sake of touching, and I often cannot or I cry trying. I can remember. But I can't easily imagine. It takes concentration to imagine holding a hand, and I had to use memory to do it. 

As urgently as I wanted to STOP DYING, starving being how my body was deciding to check me out of the whole clusterfuck, now I am tentatively but palpably hungry. And it's been so long that I am afraid I will recoil, like how after famine people can't digest anything. No, I know I will be some kinda like that. And I need somebody who wants to touch me enough to let me get there. And it'll have to be someone to whom I can tell that, or it'll be too easy to hide in transactional sex of short duration, which would only make me sicker in this particular, and I can't afford that either. And on top of all that, I am both standoffish and proud. I might feel like I turned myself into the touch-equivalent of a rescue animal, but that is something I can fully hide.

Even Huck. Now that he does not need to be held shaking or his brow smoothed, my tendrils have retracted. He does not want me to touch him, and responding accordingly I do not want to, retreating to the way back of my crate. I love him, that's a hell of a thing, and that will not budge #family. But I am glad I am putting 8 hours between us for a while physically. He won't have to push me away from there / I don't want to put me on him. 

I am grateful to Huck for putting me in a better headspace to care for TJ. I am leaving tomorrow and will stick that caregiving out til she gets to the other side, happy with her choices being as strong a feeling as the pain is. That will be good. My daughter and I both looking for that line in different ways together. And oatmilk 🙄

After that, I should be taking the full measure of my own damages before the breaks knit unset. 

playing with my hair, just to get used to it being touched

I got a full chakra set, medicinal tea and strain combos. I am putting them away until I can and want to explain why I got 2 of that one.

lose control - teddy swims I just like looking at him #solid 

the 'oyster' 

meantime, fuck my life up again - marcus king big sobriety advocate, killer guitar player, and he nails the seductions of addiction, how it is challenging to communicate with an addict in not-their-languages. 

"catbird mexican stand-off"
cat: you're bothering me.
bird: how could I avoid that and still exist?
cat: 😶
bird: 🫥

"I drank in an effort to quiet down the demons from years of trauma and abandonment that I hadn’t learned how to cope with yet... alcohol helped to summon a muse and overcome my social anxiety." ~ Marcus King

🫶

The End of an Era (2011–2026): Neptune in Pisces was a time of immense spiritual growth, disillusionment, and surrendering, particularly affecting mutable signs (Pisces, Virgo, Gemini, Sagittarius).

The Shift to Action (2026–2039), 

Significant Dates: While a preview occurred between March and October 2025, the final, permanent move is January 26, 2026."

"When Neptune leaves Pisces on January 26, 2026, the "cosmic fog" that has lingered since 2011 finally lifts. This shift from watery Pisces to fiery Aries moves everyone from a phase of dreaming and surrender to a 13-year cycle of bold action and personal sovereignty."

Impact by Zodiac Sign

• Aries: The individual enters a "main character" era. As Neptune enters Aries, identity undergoes a profound spiritual reset. A strong push to turn private dreams into a visible, physical reality will be felt.
• Taurus: The focus shifts inward to the subconscious. The individual enters a cycle of deep healing and spiritual retreat, where intuition becomes the strongest tool for navigating the world.
• Gemini: Social circles and future aspirations are transforming. The individual is encouraged to dream of new ways to exist in the world and use visionary ideas to inspire others.
• Cancer: It’s time to step out of the shadows. Neptune illuminates career and public image, inviting the individual to build a legacy that aligns with the highest spiritual values.
• Leo: Worldview is expanding. A drive to explore new philosophies, higher education, or long-distance travel is felt while seeking a deeper meaning for life.
• Virgo: Relationships become a spiritual classroom. The confusion faced with partners since 2011 clears, allowing the individual to build deeper, more authentic intimacy and shared resources.
• Libra: Empowerment comes through partnership. The individual is learning to balance their own needs with those of others without losing themselves or over-idealizing the people in their life.
• Scorpio: Daily life and health get a spiritual upgrade. The individual is motivated to find the "sacred in the mundane," turning routine work and self-care into acts of personal empowerment.
• Sagittarius: Creative joy takes center stage. The individual is entering a phase of intense self-expression where they act as a vessel for creation, following passions wherever they lead.
• Capricorn: Focus returns to home and foundations. The individual will feel called to create a legacy and a living space that truly reflects inner needs and family aspirations.
• Aquarius: The mind is the new playground. Expect a surge in intellectual curiosity and a drive to improve how to communicate and share "bright ideas" with the community.
• Pisces: The 14-year identity overhaul ends. The individual gains massive clarity as the fog lifts, shifting focus to self-worth and financial security—essentially learning how to "cash in" on dreams. 

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Shift from "Is this right?" to "What's actually happening?"

What's actually happening? 

"wannabe bayou" is the paper's name, mom and Ears picked it

I am gonna read some more about astrology, "A relationship that causes you to continually override your own instincts and feelings is not sustainable. Work that offers you relief only when you sleep or dissociate is abusive. Stop asking, 'How can I do this with less strain?' and start asking, 'Why am I doing this at all?' Now is an editor with scissors: no crossing it out, just cuts."

Virgo - Today, your ruler, communicator Mercury, sails into your partnership zone until April 14, prompting you to connect with other individuals. Whether you need to get something out in the open and hash it out together or you’ve just been out of touch with a few people who matter to you, start the conversation. 

😶 I'm practicing my listening skills. 

💔 I cannot stop seeing that kid in the lewiston top's check out - pneumonia should not be killing any of our kids 

"good intentions" 

 

"underneath" (secret mural)

hot n cold - katy perry Bug's song-gift for me today

"watcha thinking?"

Theory: we unwittingly co-created a monster, a voraceous Void of some kind; it was lurking til life got hard; then it scoffed at the "for worse" that lovers vowed; it scoffed at our mettle alone; it tries to eat my liver still; it has turned the thing we loved the most, Everyday Life, into a trial, lonely stasis interrupted by continual crises navigated with shattered minds, punched down hearts, sick spirits, and breaking bodies.

One might say, "that's just growing up". But I was a grown up, I was born old, Methuselah (is your type). So No. 

That Thing waits for me around every corner. I want it to come closer now so I can stick my head in its mouth and detonate. Like Titus flying into bits, the dirty bomb version of 'going to pieces' #grit

"It was written I should be loyal to the nightmare of my choice." ~ Heart of Darkness No.

by and by - caamp 

 "To write about a struggle amid the struggling. I know you don't like me to ask what's brought you here." ~Yiyun Li

self talk

man, I wish he was here so bad rn

this is the kinda shit that I never figured out so I just gave up - the 'closure' work - my instinct is not to go toward people in pain, at all, like I'ma dial 911 - unless it's family, especially a kid, and for my mother it was my dad. so this urgent wish to be nearer to him atm is, like, I dunno. see? I dunno what that is. even when all other threads between us are clipped, that remains, cz here it is. decoupled, obviously, from any other intimacy, still it's there. AND to be blunt, I did not have that towards other men I've fucked at all (hahahaha omg not even 🤏) cept maybe the Greek but oof he hated that so I repressed it from the get. Nothing like this. So, I mean, it isn't that I like to rescue dudes w broken wings or whatever like some women do. It's not because I am so inclined, generally. It isn't contingent on fucking, exactly. I just very badly wish he were here right now, crabby or drunk or day 4 talking like a sausage if necessary, asleep would be great, just safely where I could see him would be good. Be good for me, it's entirely selfish, I get that too. 

I dunno what I'm gonna do, nothing prolly, options seemingly none but wait, I am just idling high 🏁 alert (and smoking his housewarming blunt), staring into the fire, thinking at him, not these words, other ones, wondering if he hears them. then I wonder if he hears my mother. then wonder if so, does he talk back? then I shut up a while.

I gave myself a sunburn with the nicole face thing #dork

I am going to Montana for a week in July. With my mother, sister, neice - we've all watched Yellowstone a buzzillion times, the RIP fucking scenes a buttbuzzillion times 🤣. I dunno what possessed my sister. Intuition at least in part. She didn't know the only candle I found yesterday was for "cowboy getting" cz I need something warm and real and smells good, like leather. Like alive. 

https://homes-and-villas.marriott.com/en/properties/40456228-big-sky-cowboy-heaven-luxury-suite-6c

maybe there is an ideal porpotion of boot time : everything else = tolerable
what do u think?

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Refinement involves repetition. It's a thousand small moves to polish the surface. It's the 50th read, the dozens of meetings, the comb-through, the edits after the final edit. Refinement is what sets you and your work apart.

ok but 50? I mean...

The statistical distribution of serious recovery attempts was highly skewed with a mean of 5.35 (SD = 13.41) and median of 2 (interquartile range [IQR] = 1 to 4). Black race, prior use of treatment and mutual‐help groups, and history of psychiatric comorbidity were associated with higher number of attempts, and more attempts were associated independently with greater current distress.

SO, either 5.35 or 2, not 50. 

It takes 5+ if you're Black. the average may be substantially lower than anticipated because cultural expectations are often based on AOD problems being “chronically relapsing” disorders implicating seemingly endless tries  English: if you're treated like someone who will relapse cz you're culturally coded as "like that", you're more likely to, and if you're Black that's how that goes. 

HOWEVER, the provider in this case is himself essentially, who has called the patient (also himself) a piece of shit umpteen times, with court documents asserting same to boot, so which 'model' of disease has his 'culture' internalized? The chronically relapsing model, presumably (?)

See why I don't trust this? On a weekend = high risk of "current distress" always. Globs or kids, it'll be distress. I gotta hope his mom is feeding him nothing but positive messaging - uhhh - my mom yea, his mom? She might be pretty drained herself by now w the dad foot and no iberostars, to be fair. 

This has nothing to do with "faith" in him. The cards are simply stacked against his being "ok" today. Impaled is statistically more likely. 

babe, thats only for pretend!!

in my mind - ken presse throwing some crows at it

mint tea - johnny blue skies "bandaids on bullet wounds" sounds like Huck's next R&B album 

"yesterday was the most contented connected happiest day of my life so far" 10-11-2011 

Some things never change, like twenty minutes waiting on her fucking hair-do .... reading astrology, Neptune started shit in 2011 ... 

After telling her about this supposed huge celestial event, and rereading the related year as she dicked around with her clip-ins, I declare 2011 was worth its weighted blanket in gold. "Are you sure you know what the full price is yet?"

😳 🤔 I do not. 

What I do know is: He is sick. Helpless / useless re that is hard on me. Like a deathly sick kid only different but not that different, and I can provide no comfort. So I want to be home alone with my Worry under a plush throw making 🫂 collages.  

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). It's wise to acknowledge the limits of one's own knowledge. You avoid the moral or intellectual self-righteousness that might narrow thinking and shut down learning. People who stay curious and open tend to be more constructive than people who are rigidly certain.

That is exactly how I wound up hanging out with witches. Radical left turn into ways of thinking/being/knowing that were foreign to me. If I knew everything, I figured, shit would never fall apart, so obviously I need to know a bunch of stuff that I don't already know. Logically. Right? 

Today, I have to pay the price for yesterday. I don't mind doing that, I just don't know what all it will entail. Hanging out with a voodoo priest that Sunshine wants to hang out with is part of it, across the border in my more reliable car, at a bookstore that's really a bar that's really a conjure craft space in disguise, where I can buy candles. Fun fact, 7-day candles are sold out here. Seriously, unless you get lucky with goya, the only kind that you can get are at the dollar store (shit).

I have used every devotional candle that I owned. I've said all I've got to say to Mary right now, and her candle last night was flickering like a motherfucker, which I took to mean she's already "on it" and meeting resistance - i.e. she doesn't need me up her ass. So I'ma going across the border for the first time in honestly I don't know how long, and not going to IKEA (!), which .... well I am in new territory, put it that way. And I have to wear a skirt because on the way back she wants me to change my energy by meeting a salsa instructor 🫩. 

Those are some personally high prices to pay for new candles and some herb plants, just sayin' lol. But a million little things "ain't gonna do theyselves". 

pour booze down the drain / have these stashed from the Italian market in the falls - does that gesture make any sense in a world where I couldn't feed him soup anyway? It only makes sense if you can imagine the world between us, all around us, filled with threads. I snip one and then pull another one through, make a knot. Do that enough times in enough ways, and you have woven something new entirely, eventually.

song tbd 🤷🏻‍♀️

Unless you've been through it, you have no idea what it feels like. And unless you've loved such a person, you don't know anything about that either. 

I can see from the spelling he's shaking. 

It's day 3 now. Past the hairpin turn of day 2.

We'll be counting days this time. 

Can you imagine 365 days? In that time, if you do some version of full monty quit: telling Everybody to put eyes on your self, out the silent suffering closet ya go (hey, you didn't transition, and even if you did 🖕), the right antidepressant so your junk works n you don't ideate beyond what is literarily necessary, vitamins, real therapy. You can feel sound again. And anything might happen. You might accidentally get kinda hung up on an ex whom your mom adores and try to perform soul-cpr via dream fucking. And/or date therapy chickens (fish, goats, cats, a rescue horse), ya never know. Anything!, z'all I'm sayin, the world's your oyster 🦪. At the very least, it could have oysters (or clams) in it.

her: we could ...

me: no

her: how about ...

me: no

her: well what are you doing?

me: freezing and waiting for a final death blow 

her: hahahaha, we could...

me: no. look, there is no way I am putting on liptint. Not even for you 🫩

her: hahahaha okok that's fair, what if I brought herb plants? 

me: I told you, I couldn't find any

her: I promise we have them up here, poor people don't buy that salad eatin bitch stuff up

me: ha ok, I bought sweet windowsill pots, it's making me weepy 😪

her: dill?

me: maybe look for chives

her: ya know you can regrow green onions 

me: 😪

her: awwww, ok I'll find you some herbs

me: and get more candles

Voila hoodoo. Bwitches come through when your ask is real. Cuz we do not ask in the first place, do we eh?

This isn't a spell, although I don't think the chives hurt as a typical charm offensive. There are two reasons for doing this kinda work. Both are for seeing 👁 in the dark. 

#1

What I scry (see): Some of the flames are steady. Some are sputtering. There are a couple that I've had to relight twice. Those things have to do with faith in it. 

Walt Whitman hasn't flickered once, not once. 

"I swear the earth shall be complete to him or her who shall be complete." is what that says. The statue itself stands for "this is not the easiest thing I could have done (for you)" - neither wavering at all

#2 

Sometimes the body/mind is too sick and the soul has to go someplace else for a little while. Someplace safe until the body feels better to come home to. You "leave a light on" so it can more easily find someplace warm to hold up. In one of my all time favorite stories, a dog recognizes the need for this and gently scoops a soul up and holds it against the roof of its mouth and doesn't bark until his person recovers. Then it just says "Hi" (woof) to let the soul out.

I know how to need that so 👁's trying to give it.

touch and go - drayton farley 

I honestly for real wonder what it feels like - does it feel like anything? - when a witch hones in like this on you. Puts on you healings that she prescribes, concocts, applies. The sporadic jump off the table hug, I kinda have gotten that from you, kinda a few times. And you don't lie back down either. Hear me out: if you grant that a person has mind body and soul, then logically each needs a different specialist. (I would add HEART to that, its own 4th wheel deserving of acknowledgment.)

If we barely have doctoring enough for the body, where does the rest go for triage? Or is everything else just supposed to just die, vestigial? 

I'm unrepentently not convinced that only a (sad) heartbeat counts as alive enough - conceptually, ethically, intellectually. And god knows not viscerally. 

the Polish spice + and his mom gave me that crystal

amaryllis REbloom, phallic energy obvious

baby, I just need you - riley green

you won't die, I planted chives 

"Never turn your back on fear. It should always be in front of you, like a thing that might have to be killed." - Hunter S. Thompson

Fear is the mind killer. Been whispering that to myself since I was just a girl. It usually works. But it doesn't work on Worry, that is a whole different mind predator. 

you know I know - sam barber

"weighted blanket" 

 

not there yet - hayes carll but now it's the next day towards

"If I did the math I’d probably be shocked on how much [I cost myself] - I’d probably punch myself in the face." Flavor Flav

It gets worse before it gets better, as I recall, before it starts to let go, it goes way out of range of malt-o-meal.

I will wait - marcus mumford (solo) 

hurts like hell - charlotte cornfield

 

think I'll leave this for the day 😴

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). The good life is your current life. It's good because you know this. Your senses take you to a vivid experience of things. To live fully, you don't need to go anywhere or become anything other than what you already are.

That is what I've been going for, yup. Not accepting as-is. Changing as-is to feel right. Full, vivid, authentic, solid, healthy.

Today is going to be lying low a lot. I gave to get 2 temp crowns this a.m., 2 hours of grinding then weird shit n my mouth for a week. I've been putting it off. Amazingly dodged this bullet - that's 2 big procedures/injuries, mine and Dball's, that just evaporated at the last minute. I have a pointlessly numb face to the eyeballs atm, but I'll take it (nap it off).

I'll still be a good girl and spend the afternoon doing stuff that's not fun. It doesn't feel right to do otherwise. 

if we were vampires - jason isbell and the 400 unit

"It's not his fault it lives there, but my heart lives in my throat so that's where I feel everything. "

 

"Dear Friend, from My Life I Write to You in Your Life", Yiyun Li (grit reading)

"OZURIE"
 feeling torn between the life you want and the life you have

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You're doing well, but it's OK to want to be doing even better. People who have your best interest at heart are fine with this. A transformation is happening now, albeit slowly. Keep focusing on what you want.

"When I have a problem, everyone in the path of my solution has a bigger problem." 

The sentence is a good one.

I resonated upon it. And I prayed to Mary in the blunt cut to the chase way we have worked out over the years between us on certain subjects. 

"straight talk"

I learned watching Landman that having sex while wearing hair extensions (locked down not clip-in crap) is "Saturday night sex." Not long ago, he said to me, 'Remember when you had those extensions, that was CRAZY!' 

I wouldn't do it again lol. But I don't know what I would do now except I still think every little stupid thing should be going for the "saturday night" version of itself. I have returned to my vows on that particular life philosophy.

MARU MORI, constant awareness of

Hear me out. A healthy human being needs a lot of things. And trying to get all those needs met and trying to help get them met for others, it is very complicated. You have to be constantly humble in the face of that, I think.

But, all kindsa affections can be manifested in a million little things. 

Doting is part fetish. And are we not past kinkshaming? 

Plus, ya think Thoreau's painstaking re-straightening of old nails, all of  them, wasn't extreme attention to the physical preciousness of the everyday? 

"tell me how the love stays strong when the food runs through"

paying attention 👁 for one

MARU MORI - the heartbreaking simplicity of ordinary things 

"Most living things don’t need to remind themselves that life is precious. They simply pass the time. An old cat can sit in the window of a bookstore, whiling away the hours as people wander through. Blinking calmly, breathing in and out, idly watching a van being unloaded across the street, without thinking too much about anything. And that’s alright. It’s not such a bad way to live. So much of life is spent this way, in ordinary time. There’s no grand struggle, no sacraments, no epiphanies. Just simple domesticity, captured in little images, here and there. All the cheap little objects. The jittering rattle of an oscillating fan; a pair of toothbrushes waiting in a cup by the sink. There’s the ragged squeal of an old screen door, the dry electronic screech of a receipt being printed, the ambient roar of someone showering upstairs. And the feeling of pulling on a pair of wool socks on a winter morning and peeling them off at the end of the day. These are sensations that pass without a second thought. So much of it is barely worth noting. But in a couple hundred years, this world will turn over to a completely different cast of characters. They won’t look back and wonder who won the battles or when. Instead, they’ll try to imagine how we lived day to day, gathering precious artifacts of the world as it once was, in all its heartbreaking little details. They’ll look for the doodles left behind in the margins of our textbooks, and the dandelions pressed in the pages. They’ll try to imagine how our clothes felt on our bodies, and what we ate for lunch on a typical day, and what it might’ve cost. They’ll wonder about our superstitions, the weird little memes and phrases and jokes we liked to tell, the pop songs we hummed mindlessly to ourselves. They’ll try to imagine how it must’ve felt to stand on a street corner, looking around at the architecture, hearing old cars rumbling by. The smell in the air. What ketchup must have tasted like. We rarely think to hold on to that part of life. We don’t build statues of ordinary people. We don’t leave behind little plaques to commemorate the milestones of ordinary time: HERE ON THE TWENTY FIFTH OF MARCH NINETEEN HUNDRED AND NINETY FOUR SOME NEIGHBORS WENT OUT WALKING THEIR DOGS THE CHILDREN TOOK TURNS HOLDING THE LEASH IT WAS A FUN AFTERNOON FOR EVERYONE INVOLVED But it all still happened. All those cheap and disposable experiences are no less real than anything in our history books, no less sacred than anything in our hymnals. Perhaps we should try keeping our eyes open while we pray, and look for the meaning hidden in the things right in front of us: in the sound of Tic Tacs rattling in a box, the throbbing ache of hiccups, and the punky smell that lingers on your hands after doing the dishes. Each is itself a kind of meditation, a reminder of what is real.: A tribute to Maru Mori, a friend of Pablo Neruda, whose gift of wool socks inspired his poem “Ode to My Socks.” Compare memento mori, a poignant reminder of your own mortality. Pronounced “mah-roo moh-ree.”

~Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows, emphasis mine. 

These are all the things on my life list, I don't NOT notice them (!), I notice them relentlessly, and want these tiny moments to all catch the light  That's why in therapy, I had to make a list of "nothing(s)" bc they're everything to me.

"My grip is firmly around the scrotum of life, and I will never let go." 

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). There is one person who you haven't talked to in a long while. This will be an auspicious time to catch up. You'll discover how you can help one another, even if it's just by being a witness to what's happening in their world.

I know what I am. I am the friend with no benefits. 

I mean, I get a healthy libido with  nowhere to go (trouble walkin) and candles galore. You get your horoscope unreliably. Can we really call those benefits? 

I got a vintage silk velvet applebees on date night dress

Hmm, to whom have I been even less beneficial than that lately 🤔?  

Called Spiderlily, my friend in WI. She feels like shit too / somebody died. That's just the price of keeping up with people atm, nobody is doing very well / they're missing somebody / dying has its teeth sunk in. I worked up to calling her all day, knowing somebody is prolly dying on her 🤦🏻‍♀️ and sure nuff, so I laughed about it (after being sad of course) 🤣 🤣 We had a weirdly good laugh.  It is a new important skill we are trying to learn fast, how to show up without just drowning too. 

hang your head down low - vincent emerson

jouska n. a hypothetical conversation that you compulsively play out in your head—a crisp analysis, a devastating comeback, a cathartic heart-to-heart—which serves as a kind of psychological batting cage that feels far more satisfying than the small-ball strategies of everyday life. French jusqu’à, until. In baseball, “small ball” is a cautious offensive strategy devoted to getting on base via walks, bunts, and steals, forgoing the big home run moments that fans tend to enjoy. Pronounced “zhoos-ka.”

My phone woke me with an alert to shelter in place. I looked out the window and it seems fine. But it isn't what it seems. I'm reading the dictionary to get back to sleep. And deciding that I ain't unblogging jackshit. 

Why do I feel it? 

I am not not his ex. He only says that when he's sober (out of his mind).

We will sort out whatever I am later. A witch, for now, is accurate.

The reason I feel him 24/7 is because he is dying. And I very selfishly cannot take that happening. Just no. Hard no.

hard no

I would get the flabby heart thing over it. For sure. So, I feel it all of the time, bc it's the threat of heart failure (mine). Lighting candles, I think it's just not enough. 

I keep piling on aminals, but I'm what's purring 

I keep trying not to think about him, not to text him, not to want him especially (poor thing is half dead), not to go virgo on him / this can of worms and be a mile up his ass like 'how's therapy' and other bossybessy urges to nurse him. I try to just be the thing that is. And be good. 

 

think I am gonna want to sit outside on this little front patio and watch the dawn with coffee come spring

🍑cinnamon crumble for bunkerfast of goodsmells

"And if you are lucky enough to feel sad, well, savor it while it lasts—if only because it means that you care about something in this world enough to let it under your skin." reading the dictionary

"do over" dickbutter, off-script recipe

All would be well enough if I could find my glasses. Hours upon hours blind as a bat. So welp, I'm just making things by feel/smell/ear.

https://youtu.be/nfy0iCCO0mM?si=_rDtDJBBrxirCHiV currently playing (napvibe)

smells toasty

I was out of enough ingredients to make any known recipe and I had a little bit left of prior attempts, so I used leftovers by half and I made it up as I went and called it "do over". now that it's turning out well, I am fine tuning 🪄

I held it down today. That's what I feel I should be doing. Making a place to heal in. A soul bunker. Like if you run into a sanctuary, what's chasing you has to wait growling outside the door, it can't get you in here. Here being me manifested in this.

I cut the bow off, so naturally he flipped her over - we are all so complicated and yet so fundamentally simple

from ass shaking around the kitchen I can tell Bug is running the alexa there playlist love runs out - one direction, meant to be - bebe ft florida line, cold heart - elton ft dua lipa listening as I make home

missing my mother, I keep adding, trying for flowers but coming up with Face

This is a soul bunker now. The keys are in the garage in the stone frog.

fancy like that 

Have you noticed that the weatherword this year is "squall"? Multiple times a day, I get alerts that I should be wary of a snow squall.

This is the first year that buffalerts has used that word, and now oddly constantly. The last time I 'synched my cycle' to a weatherword, it was haboob. So after a buttgillion prompts to be "aware of squall (!)", I looked it up as my new weatherword

The word "squall" likely comes from Old Norse roots, possibly related to skvala ("to cry out, shriek") and skval ("rushing water"), suggesting its origins connect both loud, harsh cries (like babies or birds) and sudden, violent bursts of wind or water, with its nautical use appearing in the late 17th century and its vocal meaning earlier. It's generally considered to have Scandinavian origins, possibly imitative, influencing other words like "squeal"

Sounds potentially adorable.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Jell-O is both a liquid and a solid, depending on how you look at it. You have a relationship that defies category, and like Jell-O, it it will fit multiple descriptions while also being sweet, fun and moldable.

Also, potentially delightful 🤔.

I like jello (NOT sugar free, of course). I like adding extra gelatin to it so it's super wobbly and you can cut into squares like pan cookies. Kids love that (but you gotta watch out for them throwing it at the wall to hear it squish). Although my jello squares would be great for hydration, there's no sense worrying about the squish...

Not only is everyone sick af, but the snow slid off the roof to meet the snow on the porch, so my clan lives in a submarine atm. A snowmarine. I am not seeing them til 🤷🏻‍♀️

Welp. Guess I'll just be potentially delightful all day. (When am I not?! 🤣)

songs tbd, prolly there will be some #dancingaloneinthekitchen 

p.s. today, another person that I watched grow up, since 5th grade, my daughter's age, is losing her NEW husband (don't think they finished opening the gifts yet) to sudden random complete kidney failure. I say another because this happens a lot. they're not even 40, they're busy doing shit, caregiving and working like we all do mostly, then bam, they clear their throat and die, just like that. all my expectations of outliving people have been reclassified as wishful thinking. I don't know what that is, but it's not my imagination. Sam is a real person I know, ANOTHER one. so when worry wears me out and I get weepy tired of it, there are plenty of good reasons (with names, not abstract 'we shall perish one day' bullshit). and in the face of that, I don't know what else to do besides my best until I wear out and then have to go get vitamins in my butt and then stand back up and add a chicken to my 'spooning vision board'. if you have any other/more ideas to motherfuck that face of reality, I'm in 🤷🏻‍♀️

update: no surgery

Everybody is sick. 

Disco MIGHT get released from the required surgery on his paw, which we would very much like to avoid, this little guy is NOT the get-over-it type. I have high hopes for his passing this test, though, cz yesterday with me being distracted, he got hold of Sugar Cadence and got his dick stuck under her bow while fucking the shit out of her face, and I think I remember that kinda enthusiasm needing solid footing. Right? I had to spray him with cold water to resolve the situation.

"love"

"where there is a will, there is always a way"