I think about it all the time if I'm honest, my shortage of passion. I keenly feel my lack of feeling.
Everyone prefers this, my meh state/mood. And it does matter to me that the people I care for are happy with me. And it matters a lot to me that I rarely let anyone down and never from lack of trying, stability being helpful for that, feeling meh being helpful for stability. But. I'll go off the rails sooner or later just to enliven my existence. I've done crazy shit like disappear in New Orleans for umteen hours, for instance, for that very reason. What I don't understand is 1 lying about it ("maybe I was drugged" = maybe I was abducted by aliens = either scenario would leave you without your pants) and then 2 pretending it never happened by making me discuss your SANDWICH. At length. I finally turned the phone off. A kindness, forcing him to just shut up about what he is eating already.
He isn't lying to me because I don't care. I soberly faced down the lies I cared about (what is actually possible) (not much). So he's talking to himself not really to me. What is the point of that?, I often wonder. Does everybody talk every day about the nothing they mostly did then the chicken they mostly ate? Maybe everyone else gets the point of that [?]
I experiment - if I just don't say anything at all, how long does it take him to notice? If I say only the avoidant phrases ("wow that's crazy") that TJ taught me, I can do that for days. Maybe forever! That's marriage, saying shit like "wow" forever and serially agreeing that the kids/dogs are adorable. Maybe that's why everyone seemingly wants to get married all the time, so they can retire conversationally to "wow", the intimacy equivalent of assisted living.
I crave the intimacy equivalent of a muffalotta but different.
(sigh) (the radio game in Earline, see if it'll cheer me up:)
Play me a song.
Play me another one.
thinking bout you - dustin lynch
Play me another.
I'll make love to you - boys II men
Ok, that was kinda funny 🤭
