overnight...

TODAY'S BIRTHDAY (Aug. 31). Good habits get created this solar year. It doesn't sound entirely glamorous, but it absolutely makes you more so. Self-directed people are always more attractive. The fun at the end of 2019 will include more money than you expected and an exciting way to invest it. A special and meaningful message starts in 2020. Libra and Leo adore you. Your lucky numbers are: 1, 13, 2, 17 and 31.

I am kind of obsessed with this song, listened to it 10x overnight, but as of this morning this is pick to orient my rudder.

watching

listening to

I am treating this year like trip. An intense backwoods ordeal. What do I need? Toilet paper, much prepared food, careful planning, a spending money budget, back up plans. All the help I can get (light fixture stilllll.. ). I busted my ass last week and ate nothing but hostess and calorie heavy beer. Talked to nobody except to manage children and staff. No co equals for venting support much cz men only work in my same channel and men, well, they're WORK in themselves. They snap at you or whine at you and are no refuge at all, especially if they want to have sex with you, or even worse ever have already, then to them you are just not even a person really. When my father said, to which my sister threw dinner at him recently, that women are just knot holes on a piece of wood, he was just being honest.

I went Sarah Connor on this shit.

VIRGO: You deserve all of these loads of love that will be heaped on you. 

(gross lol)

Campus opens today. My job is fucking killing me.

This helps.

Did rednecks kill your focks?

Nebraska and/in Wisconsin. Both won me over. Against the odds and over my best worst behavior to discourage love of me altogether.

I feel hateful regarding men and have always hated Wisconsin because both make, have made, me feel like shit. Just utter shit. Not hard math, you slap me down and I feel like shit. Unwanted ft Throttled. But what if neither made me feel like that anymore? Answer: I want a pontoon boat. So much so that I actually went to see this, walked the boatslip channel, went to the wading beach that I first swam at as a baby, planted a garden in my head on the double lot side where the clothesline waits on a tilt.

And the kids. All of them piled in on each other us alone together debriefing in the jeep that smelled like baby pee and cheese. Laughing. TJ says, "Your dad told us that women are just a bunch of orifices." A BUNCH?!, jeeesuz, how many is a BUNCH d'ya think? The baby says "jeezus!", and we all crack up.

VIRGO It's a strange thing to fully possess your world when you know it will not be the same tomorrow. To embrace the evanescent is foolish, desperate, impossible and the most beautiful way to live.

That is utterly true. And also very funny to read while sitting on the shitter in a 2 star motel in Toledo, all the kids bouncing off the walls at dawn wanting breakfast, on my way to WI, my crazy dad there waiting for me, a suitor waiting somewhere up there too, all the swirling needs and wants of me all around me behind and in front in space and time. 

 I feel overburdened and overly full of myself by turns, overtired and in need of a solid spanking by turns. "What are you doing?" I ignore it. I do a lot of ignoring. "You need a good spanking, ya know that?" Yes.

Kids growing up and away, freeing and berefting me.

At least two different ways at all times I feel about almost everything. Like this blog. On off on off, private semiprivate, over it. Then not over it some more.

I am going to WI. Talk about feeling at least two ways. Hate love and everything between about that place.

I had to take it for a work retreat this week - I think these are bullshit. And yet, INFJ-A = how could I NOT feel odd perpetually?