My shrink is a magician. Literally, she also is a witch, a referral from the Witch otherwise I’d not have gotten a slot with her.  Like me, she hides in plain sight, rolling what she is into what she does without any attention to it more than that, booked solid at the poshy mental health suite out by the university.  But man, it is true, a magician can work magic.  I walk in there just so fucked up and pissed off that I’m beyond adjectives, and I walk out sane(r).  

I want Aaron’s mother dead, gone, obliterated.  Which is what she wanted for me, and thus I know just like with anything hate, you become it, and now I am Maureen, which SUCKS.  It’s making me crazy-ass.

Meh, I hate my mother-in-law too.  She doesn’t really matter anymore, he’s an adult.  The sooner you accept that, the sooner it’ll be true, and that will help make it true for him also.  And she clearly hates herself, people who love their own selves and their own lives don’t cripple their kids, so you’re being redundant.  She’s emotionally ill – it helps nothing for you to become as ill and full of hate.  You know that. 

Ok, but HOW do I stop hating her? Cuz I rip her throat open in my head, like, constantly…

I have a mother-in-law and son-in-law who are my “lessons in patience”.  Just set your boundaries and keep to them.  That’s sane.  And when you start stabbing her to death in your head, just remind yourself: “this is a lesson, it is to make me a better person”.  Keep doing that. Forever, it sounds like.  And when you have a really bad day and act out, forgive yourself too, and go back to plan 'sane boundaries', repeat repeat.

Ok but he has internalized her bullshit, and he wouldn’t know a healthy boundary if it bit him in the ass…

Meh, that’s why he needs you.  And as long as that comes out to be that you get things you need too, that you achieve equality in the end and on the whole, you can mother him through that now – what’s so wrong with that?  You’re good at mothering things through things, by all accounts. No?

Ok but he has all this crap hardwired in there, like he’s homophobic at himself and doesn’t even know it, and lets it get under his skin when they insinuate we are an “alternate lifestyle” and a baby on the other hand is some hetero badge of real grown-up manhood whatever…

Meh, first of all, we are all attracted to all kinds of people, and most humans are bisexual and need to get over their weirdness about it, so that’s hardly rare.  Plus, sexuality has nothing to do with monogamy. Monogamy chooses A person, regardless, and character not sexuality determines fidelity.  Plus if it were really a baby he HAD to have, he’d not have chosen you in the first place, he’d have chosen someone younger.  Even if he half believes that heteronormative shit, he must at least half know it’s also bullshit, so why not believe him when he says YOU are what he wants? Working out the heteronormative blackmail of his upbringing is his shit to deal with, not some truth you should deign to fear.

Ok but Aaron can dissociate from his feelings, it’s scary as fuck, it’s good for a critical care nurse maybe, but not in an intimate relationship…

You’re right.  Definitely .  BUT that could be good too, he can use the ability to dissociate from his mother.  And then once he recognizes all the thoughts and self-doubts that aren’t actually his, he can dissociate from them too.  Every weakness is a secret strength, you know that.

Ok but TJ hates Aaron, he just won’t relent at all, and I don’t call him TJ for nothing, he is THE JUDGE…

Meh, we all get we need for our soul on our Journey.  Forgiveness doesn’t come naturally to your son.  So this is what he probably needs in the long run.  It won’t kill him to learn people are fallible, and then later he won’t be so shocked when he is too. Tell him that. 

Ok but Aaron is paranoid, sexually PARANOID, which given circumstances is insane first of all, and it drives me crazy, all he ever asks is if I’m thinking about fucking so-n-so and until now he’s not been able to even believe me and I’m still not sure he is able to trust, plus to be honest it’s BORING.  I mean, I’m trying not to kill that cunt mother of his in my head all day, not thinking about other dick, and if I could think about something more interesting than either of those things, to whom would I tell it? God damn it…

Meh, that’s your fault.  I mean, ok, his paranoia is not good, and he has to get over it, but which again is HIS SHIT to deal with in marriage counseling, that’s on him.  What would you rather talk about, about yourself?

Jesus, fuck, ANYTHING, like seriously any fucking thing that grants that my inner life doesn’t exist just to hide terrible shit from him, God fucking hell so irritating…

Ok then for every time he needs to ask you if you fucked the plumber or whoever, he has to ask you some other question too, about your inner life, one that is more interesting to you.  Again, you never TELL HIM WHAT YOU WANT.  How do you get to equality doing that?  You are the teacher of yourself to him.  We all are teachers of ourselves to our partners. He did a terrible thing, but it taught you allllll about him now didn’t it?

True enough, I guess, the fucking hardest way (armscrossy)…

What you both lack in this relationship primarily is parity.  You need to be equals.  You have such strong attraction to one another, you know the Law of that, so you have what the other needs, but you don’t know how to tell him what you need and balance those scales.  That is YOUR SHIT to deal with.

Right.  Right….

If you can do that, and get to the other side of this mess, you’ll be best friends for the rest of your lives. He needed to make all this shit visible so he could get past it, his shit especially (granted), but you have some work to do here too.  That’s all. 

You think?...

Yes, I have a sense that is so. 

(exhaaaaaaaaaaale….)

I still want to see my mother-in-law nailed to a post in the desert

 (but I’m working on it) playlist:

I fucking love this song. Repeat repeat indeed.





And weirdly, I was NOT listening to the Django Unchained soundtrack when I took a shine to these tunes separately. I’m just in that mood, I guess, to scythe a (son of a) bitch’s head off (but I’m working on it). And they're great songs, so there's that.