VIRGO Some of your thoughts are the same as yesterday and will repeat again tomorrow. There will be completely unique thoughts, too -- ones you will never think again. Capture them somehow so you will remember.

I have pretty feet (?)


yesterday I went to a fiction/poetry reading for students and faculty who published stuff in the campus lit magazine. I always feel so awkward in chitchat situations, but I don't feel awkward about feeling awkward anymore cz that's just how it is and there are worse problems to have (I could have 3 tits, or elephantitus, ya know?), I just observe my awkwardness from a meditative distance and let it go then concentrate on other feelings without hardly trying at all. I've gotten so much better at just letting shitty thought just offgas itself out my ear before it hits my stomach. M was there. She looked beautiful, really she is very beautiful in that fragile poet way w pale perfect skin and a face that flits from troubled to laughing and back again constantly. I like to look at her face. I emailed her afterwards just to tell her that. She emailed back that she had had the same thought about me looking good and that it had made her jealous and grumpy. I thought about that and in all truth I have zero jealousy that I could find in my mind, of her or anyone. I think there must be some kind of envy tucked into that social awkwardness of mine, a wish to be more like someone better than I am, but I honestly don't feel it as such - it must be offgassing w the fear of the awkwardness itself, I think. I even tried to pull up an image of FPH's new love interest to see if I could turn green mad, but all I could find in my feelings was a very deep tender spot. I like my mind/heart for being that way - that's a new thought.

What is not new is feeling shitty about every thing I have ever fucked up. And now a relentless (as opposed to intermittent) skittishness about ever being sick again in any way whatsoever, a near-crippling aversion to Needing Anything eats my liver in the lightless night.