today was better, the weather was better, birds chirping etc etc. it helps. still though my guts are hurting me. my body has betrayed me. it has failed, and that feels like a betrayal. I'm appalled that it is forcing me to face things I find abhorrent. doctors scare the bejesus out of me. and FPH is not dead he is just dead to me. I am the thing that can be cut out, like a gallbladder. and that feels like a betrayal to me. I'm appalled to have to feel like a gallbladder. and my heart aches for both my body and its fragility and for him and his sake, so my heart is failing and betraying me too. and I would so love to think about other things, the birds chirping and shit, but my mind comes back to the pain(s) and the fear(s), constantly betraying and failing me worst of all. my spirit is all that's left to count on