"If I could, I’d run away with water and have waterbabies
and go wordless."

[my abs were good but my hair looked like a pineapple]

it's cold and rainy now
but I can feel it coming
and I wake up and think:
it's still true
I'm free
and it's summer again

Rat Within The Grain - Damien Rice

Spring 05:

If Jesus were on one side and a hideous floral overstuffed sofa loveseat combo on the other, I'd rather be in hell than in the suburbs. [hahahahaomg]

. . always bracing myself for a blow, then that feeling begins to subside, like turning down the volume. But not off. That’s the thing. It’s never off. I am never not bracing myself for a blow. So it’s not that anything changes, but rather the opposite. It’s exactly the same as everything, only louder.

Ever notice that trying to keep someone from getting pissed at you is sorta zen? You can see the blows coming a mile away once you're into it, and know which way to faint and spin and come out in back of him smiling like "what?", and then do it again. After awhile, there really is a total effacement of the person. [which one?]

It's my only salvation, that working hard and being utterly despairing can look exactly alike in my life.

I am thinking mostly of what’s wrong with me, or if there is something wrong with everyone and everything else. I managed soccer practice, but not without nearly drowning in the ambient sexual pathos inherent in all mixed-adult groups, around which I can hardly breathe but nobody else seems to be noticing. I have prayed on my knees, twice in the last year, for that to stop. After the second time, without hearing anything back so to speak, I thought about joining a church in order to seduce a cleric . . strangely, that might be the only way I’ll experience redemption.