I didn't heal right. 

It's better if I stay straight. Standing or lying down. No sitting. I have to sit a lot to work from home. An agony cage of privilege.

So I went looking for a vaccum cleaner (there are none anywhere, fyi). Walking store to store, upright. Then when I came home, nothing gained but beer and flowers from Trader Joe, Django didn't bark, did not move, tongue lolling out of his face. I shook him alive again, but he was cold. Scared me silly.

Then I saw my own blood, and I panicked. 

I stayed by the ER door for better air so I saw everything that came and went.

One couple as they came out the dude was threatening to beat her again already. He was going to hit her, then he saw me. 

One woman was there as a home health aid, she brought her dementia patient in, who had no idea WTF, and they wouldn't let the aid lady go with her into the exam room - that woman borrowed my charger so she could continue to call the family and her boss, having a meltdown. She told me she was down to 6%, "ya know what I mean?!", which I felt I did know. About running on fumes.

Another guy was there w his daughter who has anxiety attacks plus surely COVID so she cant breathe which is making her not breathe which is making her panic -  she was kinda choking to death behind a sequin mask. He kept asking for help and kept being told to sit. Sit. Stay.

Another woman came in barely dressed as if roused from sleeping abruptly wearing underwear - huge woman so hard not to notice that level of flesh - with her grandpa born in 1929. He was discharged from some COVID rehab place (no more beds) and too sick to go home so they sent them there for chest xrays "or whatever".  The intake nurse took her mask off just to SIIIIIGGGGH at that one. The woman kept saying "dont lose your shit dont lose your shit" to herself. She had on flip flops, her feet were faintly blue from mid calf down, like she was drowning from the toes up.

Nebraska texted to say that he owed some taxes so he "felt my pain in a different way". 

I let my phone die.

I finally left. Against medical advice. As if I had gotten any.

I got an apartment arranged in WI. Gonna go home for a spell. If I live til May.

The songs stuck in my head are Lizzo screamsinging I THOUGHT I WAS LOVE IMPAIRED!, and that dude who is just trying to stay out of AA. If you know what I'm talking about. If not, I might as well talk to myself. Which is what I do here. 

what I looked like when my spine gave way or whatever - the hella pain is under the names of my children 💞