I’m getting a puppy. I don’t think I can (should?) help myself. Here’s how it happened.
I’ve been weepy for days. I miss K., I miss FPH, I miss the baby, I miss my mother, I miss the dead . . . I miss familiar voices talking to other people and not to me, just nearby where I can hear them like I do the boys when they’re arguing over how to defeat a decepticon that they made up out of spare parts. There is no help for any of that, once it gets going it’s just a thing I have to wait out, and I go to yoga and classes etc. anyway cz that’s what you do. That’s what I do. What I’m supposed to do. In fact, since it’s harder, I tend to do it all better because I’m concentrating on not letting anything drop, battening down the hatches.
I’ve been weepy for days. I miss K., I miss FPH, I miss the baby, I miss my mother, I miss the dead . . . I miss familiar voices talking to other people and not to me, just nearby where I can hear them like I do the boys when they’re arguing over how to defeat a decepticon that they made up out of spare parts. There is no help for any of that, once it gets going it’s just a thing I have to wait out, and I go to yoga and classes etc. anyway cz that’s what you do. That’s what I do. What I’m supposed to do. In fact, since it’s harder, I tend to do it all better because I’m concentrating on not letting anything drop, battening down the hatches.
Then, I start to get an eery sense of faking it. This was a Big Problem in the Before – I would be saying/doing one thing and thinking/feeling another All The Time. I thought I was practicing self-mastery (being good) – I was going painfully insane. Now I know that when all I want is a hug, yet I’m dressed in little professor clothes and standing in front of a 100 people and I’m thinking “people think I’m real, how weird” – that the wanting-a-hug-part is the real, and the other is a (nice) job, and then I'm just having a few bad days and not essentially faking my way through my own life entirely. [But. Then I’m back to missing People I Know. (wa wa)]
If I could, I’d have (more) people and (more) animals to feed and hug, and I'd build a [bale] house extra so there’d be enough room [without widening my carbon footprint (much)]. I’d collect more books, and plant an apple tree.
So anyway. Last night, the storm broke loose. Out of the blue, Woodward took the boys off for the night, practicing the routine from homework-thru-morning-bus complete with packing lunches and all of it. This is to be able to mix it up, if I need to, on a weeknight. That’s great, but all of a sudden . . . there was nothing between me and The Missing, and I cried like hell WA WA WA WA, took a bite outa FPH, then curled up in a ball under the nightlight and slept fitfully nearby-as-possible. I prayed, “sorry, I’m being a shit, I know it, people are starving all over the world and sleeping on the street all over this city and I’m being a big baby and an asshole I am sorry I’m trying I know I should do something more productive I’m a shit I’m sorry” etc etc, in and out of tumbled dreams.
This morning, I woke up, checked horoscopes (which spanked me, yup) and then my email. There was an email from the puppy people. I just looked at the pics – can they tell that?? It said: “Prices for anybody who lives in the Buffalo/Rochester area are discounted (apx 30%/$200) – Would you like one?” I’m sure this is a matter of Google-bots and not God, but I’m deciding it’s a sign from God anyway bc God could function via Google-bots, after all. That’s only logical.
So, WHICH? I’m still thinking Nero. He looks like he doesn’t want to wake up. (No! Santa’s an Asshole!) Or maybe it's not time yet, altogether.
