Monday, June 30, 2025

My mother and I sit for hours just chit chatting. Laughing a lot. The older they get, the less filter. Like wearing a bra, fuck it. TJ just visited for dance day, so funny and so quick, watching us. I must be a very old soul, says TJ, since as far as she's concerned my resting state has been"fuck it" for as long as she can remember. They make me giggle like nobody else except that one suffering fucker in south buffalo, whose "mouth feel" is the current favorite family quip. It just fits so many situations, right?! 🤣 🤣

We talk around and around and around it all. Trauma, my job, his job, how they draw the same kinds of people who feel at home in proximity to dying (him) or craycray (me), how dying and alive and craycray are the human essentials, underpinning every seemingly stupid ass other thing. I explain what "scope of practice" means, technically means but also in practical terms how it means "helpless" as often as it means "empowered to", how fluid that really is, how stingy or generous a person can be with their power(s), how easily hurt all the people are in this complex equation. How other ways are needed to offset the ways that equation kills us - like laughing, the borderline cruel hilarity that lives inside these professions, as untranslatable as my mother herself. I explain the education pipeline, from kid with an aid's job to high end provider, maybe sojourns as EMTs or CHWs or CASAC survivors/grads, with me's at intervals throughout for them all, crossing and recrossing paths in different roles and life stages. What job did Nebraska steal again? Interventions of empathy. (Pregnant pause.) 🤣🤣🤣 🤣 Oh my god, that IS funny. "Gin, you gotta write this shit down!" I do Ma, nearly every day, but how do I capture the hilarity of ivy league guys whose privilege means people have laughed at their unfunny jokes all their lives - can you imagine how fucked up that makes your reality?? Physicians might, as a rule, be that kind of not funny - yikes. "Remember when he said trying stand-up was on his bucket list?" 🤣🤣 Yea, Ears ruined that golden opportunity, I was ready to find an open mic THAT DAY, but Ears is kind, "You really don't want to do that, man." 🤣🤣 What would nurse open mic look like? You really whizzed that thing 🤣🤣. 

"Where IS he?", asks mom, holding up her hands in the honeycrisp apples pose. Probably really busy. "Well, he is a hound." That's not what I meant 🤣, but if he is at this very moment banging all of West Seneca blowing off steam, trust me, he deserves to. "It's a shame he's scared of you, I just wanted to see him again, ya know, alive." 

I would slap down the afraid of me thing again (🤷🏻‍♀️ dunno), but I can see she is afraid. Of all the dying and of time. Of course they would never see each other again, and that wasn't up to her in the first place, and maybe this will be her last summer, or his, or mine. Any of us, for all the reasons and ways we just might snuff out. That's why ya gotta keep laughing, why she wants to.


she is good for me - I'm holding weight, heart steadying, even through the (perfectly normal) grief of losing a friend like that - even though all my damn kids have moved into my fuckhut and we are stuck in the city 🙄 - still, little by little, I mend


How does one read the astral omens on a day that brings no new news? No planets changing signs or directions, no luminaries forming angles — it's like rolling blank dice. They show the dots you want them to show. What dots would help you win? What experience do you want to have? The sky is a blank page; the day is unwritten.

wishing well - cheyenne marie mize - from the girls dancing playlist (girls of color bootyshake😏)

Sunday, June 29, 2025





O+ - Lake Porter  don't let me bleed out lalalaaa

Saturday, June 28, 2025

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). While romance and friendship are beautiful energies to have in your life, they are not everything. There are parts of you that can only be activated by a different kind of connection — one of profound compassion, selfless sacrifice and spiritual openness

Uh, I am down for being a weather vane in the Wizard of Oz 🌩

Today is dance recital day. The cosmos will be aligned with Tutu Energy. Family+Drama. Glitter retrograde.

if you want trouble - nick waterhouse



Friday, June 27, 2025

...psychological and physiological responses to admiration, longing, idealization and more. 🤔 (mulling the "more" in this sentence, a word usually followed by of)

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Your emotions run deep and strangely specific today. Your body picks up what your mind can't yet name — a shiver, a tug, a pause. Pay attention. These subtle cues are your map forward.

I might do anything. Logically speaking. I mean, if I'm sick nearly to death of all my options, then WIDEN the WILLING TO parameters. No?What's more nuts than hot yoga??


time waited - my morning jacket

Time doesn't wait (the Patti principle).

Thursday, June 26, 2025

Wednesday, June 25, 2025



color bathing: lighthouse

Tuesday, June 24, 2025

I knew for days. Feeling frightened for us both. Feeling everything for the both of us, as it turns out. 





Monday, June 23, 2025

Diary blabla 6/23

What's the half life in a human body of exposure to life-threatening toxins? If, like, every exposure to broken heart syndrome level flood of dyingness takes, I dunno (?), 5 years to wash out (immunology normal, neurologically, etc), that seems doable (tho unpleasant). But what if you have multiple exposures in a 5 year span? And compound, as trauma does?

I just can't shake it tonight. The fact of it. Whether it was today or soon, it killed her. This life, the way we've been mangled to fit into it. Then a divorce, not enough meaningful 'wins', no feelings but lousy ones - broken, failing, angry, frightened, powerless - with no end in sight. I have been breathing mostly the same air as her. What's the half life of existential poison like that? I want it out of me. 

Guess: There is no cure for living but to live more?

"All this risk, this hope. It's beautiful."

Diary blabla 6/22

Ok, I'm trying to take today's advice, but I gotta bad feeling about Patti, can't shake it. How long is the window between last treatments (last radiation last month + last chemo sometime this month) and finding out if they worked? 

We were both assuming she'd get a remission, maybe not years but. Could it be hopeless that quickly? 



You could struggle to get a clear read on the nature of a relationship or someone’s true intentions today. With the Sun in your sociable eleventh house battling illusory Neptune in your mysterious eighth, it won’t be easy to interpret what’s really going on with people. While you might be tempted to shoot straight and simply inquire about a person’s agenda or feelings, they probably won’t give you an honest answer. So, play it safe and don’t make any assumptions. You’ll have a better understanding when this fog lifts.







Saturday, June 21, 2025

Friday, June 20, 2025

summer soltice

The future never arrives, but it doesn't abandon us completely. Motion. Motion! All motion is a kind of falling into the unknown. All motion leans toward an idea that is unsecured. You are trusting a trajectory that hasn't proven itself yet. You are moving toward a state that hasn't solidified. All this risk, this hope. It's beautiful.

the middle - boyce avenue ft andie case (zedd,morris, gray; acoustic cover)

Thursday, June 19, 2025

hard to love - horsebath catchy but not true.  

rule of witchthumb: "do not share yourself with anyone who makes you feel unlovable / hard to love"