"I'm going to strangle you."

I'm Just Ken - Ryan Gosling ft Slash (live)  💞

Cosmic rhythms are authorizing you to be extra demanding in the coming days—as long as you are not frivolous, rude, or unreasonable. You have permission to ask for bigger and better privileges that you have previously felt were beyond your grasp. You should assume you have finally earned rights you had not fully earned before now. My advice is to be discerning about how you wield this extra power. Don’t waste it on trivial or petty matters. Use it to generate significant adjustments that will change your life for the better.

Rob's weekly oracles don't count as horoscopes. He's not even pretending to know astrology, it's pure augury. I called in sick today. I feel "fine", but my heart knows better. 

wtf is HRV balance?

It's Fat Tuesday. I need to decide what I will give up for lent. (I wish I could put out a suggestion box.) Jerking off, methinks - not because it is "bad" but just to go without expenditure of my girly self down.

I've been thinking of "my demands", working within the circle of warmth emanating from that Priest, an almost voodoo charm he pulls out and lays on you in quick decisive affirmations ("I Needed, and Jesus sent you in a basket") , then you're in it before you even knew there was an it to be in, identified and conscripted. 

The demands I make next - of him of them of me of life - have to right my heart(beat). What does that?

Listening for answers, lying here in the quiet, phone silenced, calendar wiped. I can almost physically feel an assumptive answer, like "married". I don't know how to interpret that. I am certain no more diamonds will be on my left hand again. Ever. But I affirmatively consented to something. And I am not strong enough (yet) for whatever it is.

Turn on the radio. Maybe a song will be sent with some answers. I'll be here.

"dog pile"

Monday sucks. 

Unions submit 16,500 staffing violations at WNY hospitals to state Health Department and all that that implies.

my fave time, sleepy long morning coffee in bed with the mutts, soaking up what vit D there is alone on Venus

If you felt, in the weeks past, you could sometimes read the thoughts of another, that sense will be less pronounced in the new cycle. On the last day of Mercury's journey through the sign of intuition, we realize there's a limit to what can be expressed silently, sent with a look or on the wings of intention. Get ready to dig into a more direct style of communication.

Ok, let's "dig in". I mean, mostly I have either said all I had to say or have gotten no reply or both. So, g'head, lay it on me.

Jesus, is that you dawg? 

This would have been a great day for fucking all afternoon. 

I did my best 🌩 with all the rain on my libido parade. Finally made that dick butter. Starting with this one.

Ending (toxin shedding). Ingredients include witch tears and Italian tang.  Soundtrack (this dude slayed me today, and I let them fall fall fall 😭): east side of sorrow - zach bryan and Oklahoma smokeshow his/hers

More Time: ingredients include reblooming rose absolute suffused into the wooden lid underside northern attitude - noah kahan ft hozier

'Flutters', from the V-DAY horoscope (You'll soon have all the time and space to dive into the passions that set your heart aflutter.) Secret ingredient, girl drool training season - dua lipa (live) body talk - kane brown katelyn brown (behind the scene)

The soundtrack picked itself, Alexa dj'ing whatever by chance, mostly songs new to me - ones for crying, one for holding up/out, ones that were ready to flutter. Butters made in that order accordingly.

7

I just got home from the union thing where I hung out w someone who has worked there for 30 years whom they just fired and perp walked her off campus without letting her get her shit out of her office. Lost another half dozen last week, that way, how they like to fire people, with a security escort. It's SADISTIC. She lost 30 pounds by the time they fired her and also lost hair, just like me. Both getting vitamin shots and feeling like the world THAT WE BUILT TOGETHER FOR UMPTEEN YEARS has been pulled out from under, like it was nothing. And since Nebraska has ZERO understanding of that, it feels like he's one of the bad guys too, the ones who thought all those years of built things were just nothing of value. They think bc they weren't in the picture yet, it didn't even exist.

I really really hate that "you were no thing" thing. I am always a fucking thing motherfucker. Was always. Will be always. 

Earlier today, I was offered the dream job. Chair of Medical Humanities at a big ol' medical school. My job will be to create a sense of community. I'm great at that, although breaking up with the primary ally on hand as a starting point is dicey. Then again, meh, I had to marry in where I'm at now cz I wasn't well connected privilege class enough to get in otherwise. One way or another, everybody fucks their way into the life they're in. Think about it. At least this time I don't have to MARRY it, I just have to humor it. When the time comes that I must deal with him, I'm going "open relationship". I mean, what GUY doesn't want a free pass? Then he will go off with whoever (whew). But. THEY STILL DO NOT HAVE THE CASH, so we have a "go" on everybody's strategic fucking plan 🙄. I have spent my professional existence sitting on the "wishlist" in the budget. So I get it. It might never happen. But feels like it will happen, sooner or later. Because Priest is the current chair, beloved by all, and wants to name a successor so he can step down. And at the end of the day, who is going to say no to THE priest? Ya know? He asked me if I could start in July if he got the $. 

It is impossible that that's happening to me. I am NO THING actually hahahaha. There are soooo many more qualified people. And yet. 

You'd think I'd be thrilled. But I'm not. I'm gratified. Under the right conditions, that could feel pleasantly sexy. But I still have to pay an almost excruciating exit cost. "Exit cost" is one of the things I learned in the class about crows that I'm paid to teach and I do no thing, the animal biologist teaches it for kicks and I sign off. Cuz I dunno. Honestly. I get away with murder. Getting this fancy job, for ME, that's getting away with murder. Again. And it feels like murder. 

It all feels so heavy on my heart I can barely breathe.

If you do it faithfully, hot yoga right-sizes you. It'll layer muscle. It will sculpt another whole me (again). 

I should do more shit faithfully. Like make my bed. I shall make my bed today so I feel shit-together-y in preparation to talk later to the Priest, who I am praying has not found the money to pay me yet because I don't want to go, but it would be insane to turn down a job there, but there isn't a snowball's chance in hell I am marrying or even staying engaged to Nebraska and that's gonna throw all those guys into a patriarchal tizzzzzzy. If only I could fake an understandable affair with a woman - guys can compute "switched teams". But I can't fake the fucking time of day. 

too skinny ft need dick&pizza stat

Then I'm going to a union happy hour. It's hard to look like this and not want to drive it around, ya know? But I never want to go anywhere, a conundrum that union affiliation might help.

Tomorrow is the dick butter cook, because of course Sunshine never showed up (some things never ever change god bless her); if she shows up this time, I'm going to drag her to ANOTHER union hang out, an honest to god speakeasy for socialist end of days minded folk. The dude I never fucked in New Orleans is bartending. Sunshine can't keep track of the dicks with flowers and bees all around. I know she's gonna bat her lashes and ask something like "which one of the guys she never did fuck are you?" Fine 🙄. I  wanna see if you can really lay your problems on a bartender. Is that cliche true? Can I ask him, if you were me, in full light of all the ass eating (not in a good way) details, what would you do?

I doubt the bartender cliche is true. I think everybody just gets drunk (except me), and Sunshine could might definitely fuck a fireman. But. Fine fine 🙄. 

OH WELL - Slash&Chris for dancing around the house in nothing but panties and boots 🩲👢my "lucky outfit" (turn it up!)

"Eventually, having unmet needs or having to meet the needs of others is no longer experienced as stressful. It feels normal. One is disarmed." When the Body Says No, Gabor Mate, M.D.

Otherwise known as learned helplessness. Like a dog electrocuted in its cage with no escape eventually curls into it and won't walk out. 

I doubt myself (rightfully). Is my wholesale physical rejection of current options refusing a cage or refusing to leave one? 

But that's the wrong question (?) When a cage door opens into another cage, still at the mercy (or not) of others, the dog is set up to go from helpless to perishable. 

(And for better or worse, I'm not a dog.)

The psycho-neuro-immuno-endocrine upshot is that being subsumed by another(s) is so stressful to a human being that they get sick, maybe even sick to death. That is measurable in my body. SCIENCE. And it is the strongest people who go down hardest, as we are not maleable enough to survive it. We withstand it. Until we snap.

"I look at you, and I see a shade of yourself." 

I've been sheltering in place. I left to go to yoga last night finally. I gave the instructor/friend a ride home. As soon as we were in the jeep, he said "I look at you, and I see a shade of yourself." 

let go - boyce avenue (acoustic cover) beauty in the blurdown

Following the turn of Mars is a soulful Piscean conjunction, a poetic omen and invitation to dance in less literal interpretations of the world. Logic leaves, love leads, and there is beauty in the blur. It's good to wander unthinkingly through some moments, trusting the answers you need are already within you, waiting to emerge in unexpected forms.

Today, Tops. Maybe there will be music, sometimes stores do that and I can't help dancing a little every time. 

resentment is soul suicide

'A therapist once said to me, “If you face the choice between feeling guilt and resentment, choose the guilt every time.” It is wisdom I have passed on to many others since. If a refusal saddles you with guilt, while consent leaves resentment in its wake, opt for the guilt. Resentment is soul suicide. Negative thinking allows us to gaze unflinchingly on our own behalf at what does not work.

We have seen in study after study that compulsive positive thinkers are more likely to develop disease and less likely to survive. Genuine positive thinking — or, more deeply, positive being — empowers us to know that we have nothing to fear from truth. “Health is not just a matter of thinking happy thoughts,” writes the molecular researcher Candace Pert. “Sometimes the biggest impetus to healing can come from jump-starting the immune system with a burst of long-suppressed anger.” 

_When the Body Says No_, Gabor Mate, MD

Turning to science doesn't turn me away from witchcraft, it marries ways of knowing to see better.

I never learned to repress emotions. Upside to crazy parents, no repression was present in my upbringing whatsoever. I can control them to a point, but my body will decide ultimately. According to this book, that is probably what has kept me alive, this forced marching (away) that my body decides upon.

Since I left AZ and went dark, it feels like a rubber band around my throat too tight has been snipped. I gulpgasp for air. Breathing is more vital than eating. ("30 days without food, 3 days without water, 3 minutes without breathing" - that's the yoga math on what kills you, so breathe.) I'm staring into my own reflection in a puddle (my little world), both me and the puddle being shaken, shaking. Scrying inside.

Did I treat anyone this way? Did I entirely ignore your pain, blind to it even though you spoke it, if you spoke it or could not, carrying on until I was inconvenienced by it, and then only notice my own heart about it? Things like that are what I worry in reflection. In the ground-shaken puddle, alibis looking rightfully shattered. 

food in the belly - xavier fudd shazammed for the dancing in the shower playlist (not safe to dance or use the phone in there but 🤷🏻‍♀️)

I've pulled the Empress card every day since I got home. I have one in my kitchen. Card of the (every)day. 

I made a full set of my own tarot in 2010, collages all. I posted them as I went. I thought I had posted ALL of them, why did/would I not? So I looked, that's how I know it was 2010 because I found the other cards, starting with Judgement. I did not Post this one (or can't find it if I did):

In finding them, I skimmed the narrative again. 

2010 looks like a trail that leads directly to a hot tub.

Patterns repeating, outcome unknown atm. All the wrong men were buzzing around me (FPH, Bale, LMG - flowers and bees all around). I put myself through a wtaf process to try to get to the bottom of the problem, a process that I began to narrate to my new friend Aaron (who wanted a chicken-wing tower at his wedding but was eating "tofu scramble", if memory serves). I climbed mountains, danced around a maypole, joined a drumming circle, made jams of fruit I picked myself. M shows up, fucking my asshole Ex is doing me an unknown favor (tyvm!). 

I stood on my head, finally. I might try that again because it takes a lot of physical strength, which would necessitate building muscle back. 

I did everything MATERIAL that I could think of before resorting to magic. 

It wasn't until 2011 that it became clear (to someone else) that I didn't need magic, I was it. All I had to do was be to make magic. 

I am not fully living at this moment. Hence, all I am able to do is jerk off and eat poptarts.

maypole day

"change of perspective"

M

I still want what I wanted then -  kids around, air smells healthy, lying on my back, watching someone else help make the world, and feeling at home in it.

I am just plain homesick (again or still). 

I am getting another tattoo. The pain of it, the process, the result - all are needed, I believe. I am going to have my back redone. 

He (his name is Greg, but I think of him as Handlebar Mustache because he has one [and is Polish 🤭]) is going to wrap her around with good energy, fluid like girl drool. I asked him to take her from 'I don't trust you' to 'come closer so I can get a better look at ya', and sent him this photo. I have no idea what it will look like after 6+ hours, but I trust him. That's the point.

better than - john butler trio repost, a gem that popped out 💞

Tomorrow is our first dick butter cook. Like meth, only different. I cleared my schedule for today, calling in Quiet (my "sick") in order to prepare. I intended to clean the kitchen while dancing to whatever plays for me. 

Nebraska texts me. Says he will "give me all the space and time I need" . Uh, thanks God of Space and Time, for what shall I use these gifts? 🙄 I don't respond.

Then my sister calls to debrief the follow up she got from Nebrasks until I could tamp my FURIOUS down to not giving a shit enough to think, then we mulled the possibilities. When we get to discussing Janis, the fat dog he adores but never actually cared for (cough cough), we spitball that it would be great if Nebrasksa fell in love with a cat lady in Omaha, and then I could move to Phoenix for the job he discarded there, and he wouldn't want me or the dog. "Let's manifest that!", she declares. Okay let's! smib, laughing

An hour after that, Nebraska texts me to ask what I'm doing? I don't respond again. 

An hour after that, Priest emails me, wants to set up a meeting. I haven't responded. I forward it to Sister for wording the response. 

See how this owns every one of my waking hours? Nebraska just TAKES. Built for it.

I'll meet with the priest. I cannot afford not to. And Nebraska knows that. Cornering me into responding.  Shoo!!

Playlist tbd. I'm going to take a very hot bubble bath and smoke a big fat joint.