Monday, January 26, 2026

MARU MORI - the heartbreaking simplicity of ordinary things 

Most living things don’t need to remind themselves that life is precious. They simply pass the time. An old cat can sit in the window of a bookstore, whiling away the hours as people wander through. Blinking calmly, breathing in and out, idly watching a van being unloaded across the street, without thinking too much about anything. And that’s alright. It’s not such a bad way to live. So much of life is spent this way, in ordinary time. There’s no grand struggle, no sacraments, no epiphanies. Just simple domesticity, captured in little images, here and there. All the cheap little objects. The jittering rattle of an oscillating fan; a pair of toothbrushes waiting in a cup by the sink. There’s the ragged squeal of an old screen door, the dry electronic screech of a receipt being printed, the ambient roar of someone showering upstairs. And the feeling of pulling on a pair of wool socks on a winter morning and peeling them off at the end of the day. These are sensations that pass without a second thought. So much of it is barely worth noting. But in a couple hundred years, this world will turn over to a completely different cast of characters. They won’t look back and wonder who won the battles or when. Instead, they’ll try to imagine how we lived day to day, gathering precious artifacts of the world as it once was, in all its heartbreaking little details. They’ll look for the doodles left behind in the margins of our textbooks, and the dandelions pressed in the pages. They’ll try to imagine how our clothes felt on our bodies, and what we ate for lunch on a typical day, and what it might’ve cost. They’ll wonder about our superstitions, the weird little memes and phrases and jokes we liked to tell, the pop songs we hummed mindlessly to ourselves. They’ll try to imagine how it must’ve felt to stand on a street corner, looking around at the architecture, hearing old cars rumbling by. The smell in the air. What ketchup must have tasted like. We rarely think to hold on to that part of life. We don’t build statues of ordinary people. We don’t leave behind little plaques to commemorate the milestones of ordinary time: HERE ON THE TWENTY FIFTH OF MARCH NINETEEN HUNDRED AND NINETY FOUR SOME NEIGHBORS WENT OUT WALKING THEIR DOGS THE CHILDREN TOOK TURNS HOLDING THE LEASH IT WAS A FUN AFTERNOON FOR EVERYONE INVOLVED But it all still happened. All those cheap and disposable experiences are no less real than anything in our history books, no less sacred than anything in our hymnals. Perhaps we should try keeping our eyes open while we pray, and look for the meaning hidden in the things right in front of us: in the sound of Tic Tacs rattling in a box, the throbbing ache of hiccups, and the punky smell that lingers on your hands after doing the dishes. Each is itself a kind of meditation, a reminder of what is real.  A tribute to Maru Mori, a friend of Pablo Neruda, whose gift of wool socks inspired his poem “Ode to My Socks.” Compare memento mori, a poignant reminder of your own mortality. Pronounced “mah-roo moh-ree.”

~Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows, emphasis mine. These are all the things on my life list, I don't NOT notice them (!), I notice them relentlessly, and want these tiny moments to all catch the light  That's why in therapy, I had to make a lot of "nothing(s)" bc they're everything to me.

Sunday, January 25, 2026

"My grip is firmly around the scrotum of life, and I will never let go." 

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). There is one person who you haven't talked to in a long while. This will be an auspicious time to catch up. You'll discover how you can help one another, even if it's just by being a witness to what's happening in their world.

I know what I am. I am the friend with no benefits. 


I mean, I get a healthy libido with  nowhere to go (trouble walkin) and candles galore. You get your horoscope unreliably. Can we really call those benefits

I got a vintage silk velvet applebees on date night dress

Hmm, to whom have I been even less beneficial than that lately 🤔?  

Called Spiderlily, my friend in WI. She feels like shit too / somebody died. That's just the price of keeping up with people atm, nobody is doing very well / they're missing somebody / dying has its teeth sunk in. I worked up to calling her all day, knowing somebody is prolly dying on her 🤦🏻‍♀️ and sure nuff, so I laughed about it (after being sad of course) 🤣 🤣 We had a weirdly good laugh.  It is a new important skill we are trying to learn fast, how to show up without just drowning too. 

jouska n. a hypothetical conversation that you compulsively play out in your head—a crisp analysis, a devastating comeback, a cathartic heart-to-heart—which serves as a kind of psychological batting cage that feels far more satisfying than the small-ball strategies of everyday life. French jusqu’à, until. In baseball, “small ball” is a cautious offensive strategy devoted to getting on base via walks, bunts, and steals, forgoing the big home run moments that fans tend to enjoy. Pronounced “zhoos-ka.”


My phone woke me with an alert to shelter in place. I looked out the window and it seems fine. But it isn't what it seems. I'm reading the dictionary to get back to sleep. And deciding that I ain't unblogging jackshit. 

Saturday, January 24, 2026

Why do I feel it

I am not not his ex. He only says that when he's sober (out of his mind).

We will sort out whatever I am later. A witch, for now, is accurate.

The reason I feel him 24/7 is because he is dying. And I very selfishly cannot take that happening. Just no. Hard no.

hard no

I would get the flabby heart thing over it. For sure. So, I feel it all of the time, bc it's the threat of heart failure (mine). Lighting candles, I think it's just not enough. 

I keep piling on aminals, but I'm what's purring 

I keep trying not to think about him, not to text him, not to want him especially (poor thing is half dead), not to go virgo on him / this can of worms and be a mile up his ass like 'how's therapy' and other bossybessy urges to nurse him. I try to just be the thing that is. And be good. 




 

think I am gonna want to sit outside on this little front patio and watch the dawn with coffee come spring

🍑cinnamon crumble for bunkerfast of goodsmells

"And if you are lucky enough to feel sad, well, savor it while it lasts—if only because it means that you care about something in this world enough to let it under your skin." reading the dictionary


"do over" dickbutter, off-script recipe

All would be well enough if I could find my glasses. Hours upon hours blind as a bat. So welp, I'm just making things by feel/smell/ear.


smells toasty

I was out of enough ingredients to make any known recipe and I had a little bit left of prior attempts, so I used leftovers by half and I made it up as I went and called it "do over". now that it's turning out well, I am fine tuning 🪄

I held it down today. That's what I feel I should be doing. Making a place to heal in. A soul bunker. Like if you run into a sanctuary, what's chasing you has to wait growling outside the door, it can't get you in here. Here being me manifested in this.

If I look to where you'd be, I face the window and see the sunrise glow. Craving is okay, it's heavy breathing (aliving). But if I gotta talk to another ghost, I am walking off this earth. I will not carry that. 

 

Friday, January 23, 2026

I cut the bow off, so naturally he flipped her over - we are all so complicated and yet so fundamentally simple


from ass shaking around the kitchen I can tell Bug is running the alexa there playlist love runs out - one directionmeant to be - bebe ft florida linecold heart - elton ft dua lipa listening as I make home

missing my mother, I keep adding, trying for flowers but coming up with Face


This is a soul bunker now. The keys are in the garage in the stone frog.

fancy like that 

Have you noticed that the weatherword this year is "squall"? Multiple times a day, I get alerts that I should be wary of a snow squall.


This is the first year that buffalerts has used that word, and now oddly constantly. The last time I 'synched my cycle' to a weatherword, it was haboob. So after a buttgillion prompts to be "aware of squall (!)", I looked it up as my new weatherword


The word "squall" likely comes from Old Norse roots, possibly related to skvala ("to cry out, shriek") and skval ("rushing water"), suggesting its origins connect both loud, harsh cries (like babies or birds) and sudden, violent bursts of wind or water, with its nautical use appearing in the late 17th century and its vocal meaning earlier. It's generally considered to have Scandinavian origins, possibly imitative, influencing other words like "squeal"

Sounds potentially adorable.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Jell-O is both a liquid and a solid, depending on how you look at it. You have a relationship that defies category, and like Jell-O, it it will fit multiple descriptions while also being sweet, fun and moldable.

Also, potentially delightful 🤔.

I like jello (NOT sugar free, of course). I like adding extra gelatin to it so it's super wobbly and you can cut into squares like pan cookies. Kids love that (but you gotta watch out for them throwing it at the wall to hear it squish). Although my jello squares would be great for hydration, there's no sense worrying about the squish...

Not only is everyone sick af, but the snow slid off the roof to meet the snow on the porch, so my clan lives in a submarine atm. A snowmarine. I am not seeing them til 🤷🏻‍♀️



Welp. Guess I'll just be potentially delightful all day. (When am I not?! 🤣)

songs tbd, prolly there will be some #dancingaloneinthekitchen 

p.s. today, another person that I watched grow up, since 5th grade, my daughter's age, is losing her NEW husband (don't think they finished opening the gifts yet) to sudden random complete kidney failure. I say another because this happens a lot. they're not even 40, they're busy doing shit, caregiving and working like we all do mostly, then bam, they clear their throat and die, just like that. all my expectations of outliving people have been reclassified as wishful thinking. I don't know what that is, but it's not my imagination. Sam is a real person I know, ANOTHER one. so when worry wears me out and I get weepy tired of it, there are plenty of good reasons (with names, not abstract 'we shall perish one day' bullshit). and in the face of that, I don't know what else to do besides my best until I wear out and then have to go get vitamins in my butt and then stand back up and add a chicken to my 'spooning vision board'. if you have any other/more ideas to motherfuck that face of reality, I'm in 🤷🏻‍♀️
















































Thursday, January 22, 2026

update: no surgery



Everybody is sick. 

Disco MIGHT get released from the required surgery on his paw, which we would very much like to avoid, this little guy is NOT the get-over-it type. I have high hopes for his passing this test, though, cz yesterday with me being distracted, he got hold of Sugar Cadence and got his dick stuck under her bow while fucking the shit out of her face, and I think I remember that kinda enthusiasm needing solid footing. Right? I had to spray him with cold water to resolve the situation.

"love"

"where there is a will, there is always a way"


Wednesday, January 21, 2026


VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Playfulness happens when there is room for it. If a person can be playful, even when the situation is serious, it's because their psyche is expansive, their emotional range as wide as a field. This is who you are today.

That is who I try to be every day. I just fail sometimes. 

just-in-case Mary burned all night 


Tuesday, January 20, 2026

 

I'm sorry 😪

 

Yesterday, I started crying in therapy and never stopped. The word "broken" broke me open completely.